im not even sure

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by FBD, Jun 2, 2010.

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  1. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    so i felt like writing some thoughts, and if people read it and have something to say or whatever so be it, if not no biggie either

    i am so sick of people, all people i had to go see rom today (my counselor) and i told my lab team at work that i had a doctor appointment and when i got back one of them asked if i was healthy. all i could say was ill live.

    it was kinda a lie, well kinda not, the meds keep me from really get to the point where i wanna end it, theyve definitely helped with the suicidal tendancies- but ive lost so much on them. i feel less creative- i used to love to write i guess free verse poetry type stuff and i cant do it anymore its like the ability disappeared. i dont wanna go outside anymore i dont wanna exercise i dont wanna do anything anymore. i dont want to talk to people i dont want to be social. its not like me...i can feel the fake happy front coming back, it had gone away for a bit with the other meds...but its back-im faking happy im faking hyper and when i get home its boom i dont wanna do anything mode

    which sucks i hate being a lazy blop

    ive realized im bound to be alone- i dont think i can be a person someone can truly want to be with in that sort of way- my fake fronts and mood plunges arent worth the effort

    im not good enough, i mean my parents think im amazing theyre so proud of me and i have no idea why. im going to be a marine biologist mom and dad! i have decent math skills and love for biology and kind of actually like chemistry but not enough to try that hard and only get a "c" know why because of them i was only allowed to get A's and B's but B's were average and not as good and a C- well thats a fail to us. so rather then persue chemistry as well and go into medicine or at least engineering and marine bio and actually do something im going to go into a field that has no real future-dont get me wrong i love this field and im happy here and theres nothing id rather do, but the more i add into my degree the more desireable ill be as a potential employee.

    i miss volunteering- and ive known since freshmen year here, and ive done nothing about it-this makes me feel the worst of all...i think it could be enough that its messing with my head. ive always had this idea that if im not happy, as long as someone else around me is i care fake it enough to get by. ive always lived my life to make someone else happy, because i knew i never was going to be, im 20 and i only finally realized that about a year ago.

    well this is long at least it feels long so im gunna stop...but thanks for reading this im impressed you took the time :arms:
  2. dnE ehT

    dnE ehT Well-Known Member

    Well My doctor said that certain meds may help with depression, but it may also dullen your emotions to the point where you don't feel much.

    Maybe this is the problem?

    Ask your doctor, but new meds or a different dosage might help.
  3. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    thanks for the reply-yeah im currently switching meds, so i think thats what it is right now, well see how it ends up
  4. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    well im writing more random thoughts just cz i feel like it...and well i duno

    anyways...i put up a front today but part of me actually felt happy like part of me wasnt faking it was nice, really weird but nice

    part of me feels guilty for feeling that- part of me is telling me i shouldnt be happy and you need to feel miserable now

    i dont entirely get it...why do i get angry at myself if im actually happy- like i want to be happy, but when i get there i feel guilty
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