I'm not here, this isn't happening

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Harrowdown, Nov 29, 2007.

  1. Harrowdown

    Harrowdown Well-Known Member

    i started cutting again:unsure:

    i mean i was doing good there for awhile
    but just lately
    i dunno

    i know i just want to make it all real somehow and not in my head where i can't get to it
    but i really scratch the hell outta my chest

    i mean
    its terrible living with no hope
    i don't believe in the future
    i cant let myself feel relaxed because that ALWAY ALWAY ALWAYS when something bad happens so i just cant ever let my guard down
    i know its part of BPD
    this all is but i dont have anyone
    i cant see my doctor that i see once a month for 45 measely minutes
    until i pay the 100$ late fee (i wonder how im going to renew my drugs)
    and i live on support so thats not gonna happen
    and theres this DBT group in march but that only for a few weeks

    a few weeks?
    are yuo fucking kidding me? how am isupposed to get better?
    to fix stuff thats been wrong since i was like 8

    the first time i thought about ending it all was 11
    i dunno how ive gone on this long
    i have no expectations i just ....exist

    im too much of a coward to finally do what ive wanted to do for 2 years now and slash my wrists and bleed out
    but i really really want to
    i dont tell anyone
    because i know I'll just get the standard song and dance
    you do it to yourself, make yourself better, stop being negative man up

    but i mso ashamed of myself

    so i just...cut
    its all i can think of to do now
    that and try to comfort people here i guess if i can
    cause i have to prove to myself i can do SOMETHING , not totally worthless you know?

    i get literally excited thinking about hurting myself


    i dunno im just ranting here
     
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You never have to worry about letting your guard down here. So many can help you here when you do. And thank you for helping others here. It is not an easy thing to do and not everybody can. You show strength in emotion and character by helping. Helping others here shows you're worth something if only to that one person that you might get to stop and take a moment to think about what you are saying. Because you cut doesn't make you bad or lesser of a person. So see if you step back and take a look at the bigger picture, you're a pretty awesome individual.