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Im not in pain. i'd just rather be dead.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hcatt, Oct 17, 2010.

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  1. hcatt

    hcatt New Member


    ive been moderate to severely suicidal for over 2 years, since i finished college. it's really hard for me to me to relate to others or get help because im not in any specific pain or depression.

    i simply hate being alive.

    i'm extremely emotional, but even when im stable i constantly fantasize about dying ... so when i get overwhelmed or frustrated with problems or people, my mind quickly races to suicidal planning. ive already gone through most of the steps of a planned attempt, but stopped before the last step because of fear. if dying was as easy and banal as pressing a button on a table, id be dead already.

    there's not a single joy for me in this world. i dont care about careers, jobs, money, friendship, family, relationships, sex or anything. life's day-to-day frustrations are magnified sevenfold because i get no pleasure from anything and have no goals i want to work towards. im just putting up with life for no other reason than to spare my family, friends and significant other the pain of becoming bereaved, and i dont know how much longer i can do it.

    ive been asked many times to see a professional, they fear im getting close to suicide. im alone a lot and this is extremely open to me. my problem is i dont think anyone can do anything for me since theres no specific problem to adress. im not depressed or stressed or anything, i just dont value living. i can't understand why being alive is a good thing, i think its awful. id prefer unconcious peace and solitude to any reward this world can offer.... and i despise and am hurt by the many more negatives that it holds. the only thing i can imagine "helping" would be to make myself delusional, and pretend like im happy or have goals or believe in something, but this just isnt in my nature.

    sorry for the wall of text, just wondering if anyone feels the same...
  2. Helba

    Helba Member

    Yes, I understand putting up a mask of sanity when your minds only thoughts are of finding it's own demise. As well not enjoying anything, quite literally not finding pleasure or enjoyment. I avoided finding help for many years, because I didn't think or want to be classified as any one thing. Even now suicidal thoughts are constant daily item to deal with, I have felt pain though, and it isn't the pain that's kept me alive nor family or friends. It was...hope.
    Not for me but others. You may end your life any day you wish but until that day what will you do? I choose to do what I can for others so when I do eventually finish my plan, I can leave in peace. We may differ here but you aren't completely alone.
    *hugs*(if okay)
    I hope you can keep making it day to day
    If nothing more from my own selfish stand point of having another understanding a small piece of me no other has
    Stay safe hun
  3. hcatt

    hcatt New Member


    Im glad you posted. I really like your thought of doing things for others, while we're still here, to hopefully lessen the blow that seems to be coming. Even though im sadly too selfish to ever really change where im heading, having at least that purpose would help keep me on the track a little longer, and hopefully make the end a little less terrible than it has to be.

    Thank you, and you stay safe too, it does feel good to know another understands.
  4. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    I'm in pain, but it is not irreversible. Just like you i care little for life's offerings. I'm a overthinker, I will analize everything and weight the pros and cons, and at the end of the day, nothing is truly worth the aggravation. I have the ticket for the bus ride. But i'm still waiting for god's know what. I guess i just don't want to hurt my parents. Or maybe im too chicken shit to do it.
  5. Helba

    Helba Member

    We both fall under the same track and one day I fear we will find that ending. Till then what do we do? Regardless sefless or selfish your return message and your original both have been of some help to me so know in amongst the suicidal thoughts, know for one instance you helped another. Cheers to you, my kindred friend...
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