'I'm not like you.'

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by lost eden, Oct 31, 2006.

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  1. lost eden

    lost eden Member

    'I'm not like you.'

    That's what I told myself.

    'I'm not sick.'

    'I'm not some freak.'

    'I don't need to injure myself to feel alive.'

    I started out just scratching. Over & over again on the same line until a spot of blood welled along it's length. That was enough. But tonight I kept going. It's still probably nothing compared with what real cutters do. But for me it was a step forward that I shouldn't have taken. I kept scratching until the tip of the blade was down through the skin & in to the flesh, untill I could pull apart the two sides & actually see depth in the wound.

    I think this one might possibly scar. I was always so careful in the past that they didn't scar, when one got through the skin & into the flesh I would start another on a fresh piece of skin - I wasn't interested in permanantely injuring my body, I just wanted the pain. With my white skin it was hard to hide even a scratch, let alone a scar. Scratching all over my arm in lots of different places was enough to get the pain I wanted, I needed, & they healed completely away in two or three weeks, but this one might stay, as a constant reminder of who I really am.

    I'm gonna stick a plaster on this one, I don't want people to see & worry about me. Hopefully it'll just heal, or if it does scar, hopefully it'll be a white one that blends in with my skin.

    But what scares me is that I don't think tonight's will be the last. I actually enjoyed the feeling of the tip of the Stanley knife cutting through my flesh, how I could feel my flesh through the blade, giving way as I dragged it further.

    I tell myself it's nothing serious yet, but I know this is where it all begins. This is just another step, one I thought I'd never take, but here I am.

    'So if I'm not like you...'

    '... if I'm not sick...'

    '... if I don't need help...'

    '... then why the fuck am I doing this?'

    I couldn't answer that one.
  2. Always Alone

    Always Alone Guest

    No ones sick, believe me. There is nothing Sick about SI

    Don't take the next step, once you do, it gets alot harder to quit. You dont want to do this, thats clear from your post. Right now you controll that knife, if you dont stop that knife will controll your life. Read this topic, it should help:


    As for stopping the one you've made from scaring, just massage vitemin E oil in to it every day, it should help

    As for why your doing this, if you want to learn that, you'll have to take a good hard look at yourself.

    Keep posting here, let us know how you do. I know you can do this.
  3. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    thing is though its not about the severity of the injury, scratching is still SI even though you might deny it. well done for recognising this step...and try not to go down this route while you still have the control. wishing you the best of luck. and also..it might be nice not to label SIers as freaks and sick and look at the reasons behind SI. just a thought :smile:
  4. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I agree, you're not sick. I started off the same way as you and before i couldn't understand why people self harmed either. I do suggest that you don't self harm again because it will turn into a control mechanism which you will find difficult to keep under control. there are other safer ways to combat the pain you're feeling. Also, if that cut is bad then please consider seeing a doctor about it as it may need stitches. In the meantime keep it clean and covered and if you do see any signs of infection then it is very important you do go to the hospital. take care of yourself.
  5. lost eden

    lost eden Member

    I did it again tonight. Two more cuts. In the shape of a cross. Not that I'm particularily religious or anything, but that's what I did. After the first post up there, I made another cut about a week later & had to cover them both up with plasters. A couple of people noticed & asked what I did to my arm, & the first time I mentally kicked myself (or is that cut myself?) for not having an excuse made up & ready. I told them I fell & gashed my arm when I grabbed for support. Worked fine the first time, he really couldn't care less, though I'm not sure if I convinced my flat mate the next time time, she kept looking, trying to work out whether I could've actually done that by falling.

    I thought I was done & it was just a phase, but although I hadn't cut for over a fortnight, I certainly wanted to - I just managed to stop myself from actually doing it. But tonight I went ahead with it, & now I have another cut to hide. The last two are still red & easily visible on my white skin, but this new one falls beneath my watch strap when I wear it. I know the metal strap will hurt on it, but it'll help hide it, & part of me wants it to keep on hurting it, & to prevent it from healing it.

    What's starting to worry me is how long they're taking to heal - I have to go home for Christmas later in December, & I don't want my family to see what I've been doing whilst I've been gone, but the last two are still far from healed & this newest pair definately won't be healed in time...

    I'm so sorry, I didn't actually mean to accuse anybody that SI's as a 'freak', that was just something I made myself believe to try & stop myself from doing it again. Like that worked.

    I still don't know why I do it.
  6. kindtosnails

    kindtosnails Staff Alumni

    its ok i prob took it the wrong way..

    about hiding them from your family, can you not wear long sleeves? seeing as its december anyway, although i dont know where you are. hmm..also you might want to put something over the one under your watch, before you put your watch on to stop it irritating it. for the others..long sleeves is my best advice..if you really dont want them to know. or if not, put something over them (plaster, dressing etc) then you can say whatever story you want..cat scratch, fell over etc and as no one can see the actual wound no one can challenge it. not that i want to encourage you to hide it but well that would be hypocritical. make sure youre keeping your wounds clean and looking after them and i hope you can try to stop now, its so much harder to stop later. take a look here : http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=18686 its not an exaggeration. take care.
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