I'm not okay (I promise).

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ThePhantomLady, Mar 13, 2016.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am sinking.

    My therapist called me Friday to check up on me, after I emailed her Monday when my world fell apart, and our phone conversation on Wednesday after she read it... As she hung up she said "I'll see you on Monday, right?" and I wanted to tell her "I'll see if I make it that long"... I didn't. I told her yeah, of course. I even confirmed the time.

    My weekend with my mother (who my therapist advised me against visiting) went sort of okay. It was stressful, and awkward though and I had lots of unpleasant memories.
    My mum is for what ever reason trying to do the 'right things'. The thing is that she knows I am in therapy but she couldn't even imagine that she's caused any of the reasons why I need help.

    She's making things a problem that shouldn't be a problem, and things that are actually a problem she dismisses.
    As an example I told her I couldn't come every weekend anymore, that at most I would come every other weekend. To avoid trying to tell her that I can't stand being close to her, I blamed it on the the school I went to as a kid being close (where she knows I was bullied, but not that I was sexually abused over several years). When I mentioned that she rolled her eyes and in a few gestures and unfinished sentences told me it was stupid.

    But while I was there this weekend she got her calendar out and made a big deal about when I was coming or not, meaning I had obviously created a problem for her and the rest of the family.

    She believes I am weak and stupid for getting help... she hasn't said the following but I have a feeling that she feels that way... that I'm wasting the therapist's time.

    I know there's people who had it worse than me... but I grew up in hell. My life is nothing.
    Being so depressed as I am right now I can't write. One of my stories have almost 30.000 reads and I can't even jot down a single paragraph.

    I panic any time I have to do something official. I am on uneployment benefits and every time I hit an obstacle I end up crying, not knowing what to do. I have almost no money(though I am expecting a bit of a tax return)... I didn't even safe from when I was forced to prostitute myself. If they cut my benefits I won't have money for food or rent the next month.

    I am being shoved around the system. My problem is that with my educations and the fact I am good at acting wise (and yes, I have a high IQ) and act all confident... it's only creating trouble for me. They all think I have it all under control. That I know how to do all the stuff... that I could just get any job. But no one wants to hire me. They always have an excuse not to (when I finally find a job that I dare to apply for). I am a big girl. No one here hires big people. I have a sick back and can't work full time...

    And now I am aware that I can't work. Not for now. I am slowly starting to work on my past and all the abuse and neglect. And I keep having more memories of things that happened.

    Adding insult to injury Friday I found an unpaid dental bill in my mail. The jobcenter were supposed to have paid it for me since I can't afford it, it was all approved... but the job center just haven't paid it. I had to call the dentists office, and tomorrow I have to call the job center... last time I did that I had one of my worse panic attacks. Those where I almost faint.

    I've been suicidal all of my life almost. When I was 6 I had a recurring dream at night about doing something drastic to ending my life. I was 9 when I had my first actual attempt.
    From I was 11 it was a constant train of thought... it started with praying that the angels would decide I had been given enough pain... then I started to think of ways to do it, when, where... to leave a note or not? What would I even write? Would people even care?

    I always hid it though... I was so convinced that nobody cared about me... I didn't matter. You learn that when teachers you were supposed to trust witnessed physical bullying and didn't intervene... and you were even once told not to mind your worst bully because he had a hard time since his parents were divorcing.

    After being raped at 13, especially when I feared I was pregnant my attempts became more severe, and I began to really self harm (before that I had been having 'accidents' on purpose since I was around 4... often to avoid my mum punishing me with violence). At first it was desperate attempts, really stupid things... then I got so much more serious. When I was 14, 6 months after being raped I had my first truly fail-safe attempt. I had seen the young man that day... and I was home alone.
    I couldn't live with having to face him every other day. So often he would get on the same bus as me, and even if I put my bag on the seat next to me he would put it on the floor and sit next to me. It happened so many times... sometimes I'd try to answer his questions, but my voice was choking up. Every little contact of his body hurt me physically. I started listening to music with earphones on and he still sat there, talking away... and old ladies would look at me like I was being rude.

    That's my problem. I just smile... pretend like nothing happened. While my entire body is imploding.
    So... I go home and hurt myself... or in anxious situations I try to give myself some pain, just to get some outlet of that chaos...

    And since Sunday I've hurt myself so bad. I've got so many cuts now and they are infected... And I'm so scared of tomorrow... seeing my therapist. She gave me a crisis number to a psych ER in case things got bad... and I am scared what she's going to do when I tell her how much and how badly I messed up.

    I want to be helped. I want to survive... My past was hell... but I want to create a good future. I want my LDR boyfriend to move here, or me move to him and start the family I never had... I want to raise healthy children who know they are loved and that their parents were always there when they needed them...

    It's another thing holding me back... knowing I'd have to write a note to him. It would be too cruel to just 'disappear'... but I have no idea how to write that note to him. And I know it would destroy him. I want him to be happy, he really deserves that. And I think he would always blame himself... like he also will when he finds out what I've been doing this week.

    We had a deal that I was supposed to tell him every time I failed so he could help me and support me... but he's been very busy with work and remodeling his home... so I didn't tell him. And I think that's why it got worse and worse and I couldn't stop. It was another thing that held me back from SH... having to tell him.

    I feel so stupid, I know having to call the jobcenter etc. is nothing to give up over... I'm just not well.

    Through my twenties (am now 26) I've dealt with sudden suicidal impulses. If I find myself holding something that could be used as a method at the wrong time I am at risk of using it. I'm always trying to avoid getting in those situations though, especially when I'm not feeling well. Which I am not right now.

    I'll be honest with my therapist tomorrow. The phone call on Friday was so short... so I didn't have time to fully open up.

    One thing that's been on my mind with all this job center stuff is a documentary I watched about some girls who had been abused and neglected and given different compensation, an expert said something that really made me open my eyes, that the compensation was given because often people who had been through those things struggled to keep and find work and get educations.

    But yeah. None of the abuse have been reported. I can't prove it now, and my own mother wouldn't want to help me. She would probably work against me discrediting what I remember etc...


    I'll try to hold on. I'll attempt to get some food in me and tend to my wounds...
    Red Nightmare likes this.
  2. Northern

    Northern SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry about your struggles. I cannot help but know that I'll keep you in my thoughts today and tommorow. hugs.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  3. Red Nightmare

    Red Nightmare Active Member

    I am sorry for your pain, PhantomLady. Let's all try to hang on and keep some hope in the face of pain.
    AdamTide and ThePhantomLady like this.
  4. KBambi

    KBambi Active Member

    I have been through some similar things. The sexual abuse. I don't physically self harm but I have other ways I abuse myself.

    You can't beat yourself up. What's done is done. You already know the answer. Get something to eat, clean those wounds.

    If your therapist gives you a really bad time, shames you, you need to find another therapist although I know that's easier said than done. Maybe call a crisis number and talk to someone anonymously? And use that ER # if needed.

    Very very gentle hugs lady
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  5. na-taya

    na-taya Well-Known Member

    I am sorry things are so difficult for you right now. In sorry you are struggling so hard. You dont deserve that at all!!! Not one little bit.

    I am glad that you will be honest with your therapist as its the only way she will be able to help but I also know how hard it can be.

    Maybe you could ask to work on a safety plan with her around self harm?? It don't mean agree not to do it but to do it in the safest way possible if it happens and to take care of yourself and your wounds. I. Sorry some are infected i hope you are able to keep it under control.

    For an amazing lady you def dont deserve to be suffering so......I hope that you session goes well

    Take it easy *hugs*
    ThePhantomLady and AdamTide like this.
  6. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry to hear this my friend, I wish I could help take away your pain. All I can do is send healing thoughts and prayers for comfort :(
    ThePhantomLady and AdamTide like this.
  7. AdamTide

    AdamTide Well-Known Member

    I assure you, you are neither weak or stupid. It takes STRENGTH to reach out for help. You help so many people on here. Your life is NOT nothing. You are such a good person. Everything is going to be ok. I'll always be more than happy to help you. You are a STRONG, inspiring person. Try not to let things or people get you down too much. I've got your back :) hug
    ThePhantomLady and Brian777 like this.
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