I'm Not Okay.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ThePhantomLady, Sep 6, 2015.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm crying... and it's almost 6 am. I have slept for 2 hours but all the problems from yesterday keep running in circles in my head.

    I visited my mum, stayed from Friday till Saturday afternoon. I mostly go in order to see 'our' 3 cats and dog. And because I still fear her and can't really say no to her when she tells me to come.

    My mother was very abusive towards me through my childhood and teens, using both physical and emotional violence against me... I think I have described that somewhere... and I never felt she loved me. And she chose to blame me for getting raped at 13. She also didn't really stop the young man she caught molesting me when I was only 4.

    Today she started a conversation about some recent documentaries on TV about children who were raised in abusive families and talked about those 'poor children' and awful parents. I saw some of the same documentaries and cried my eyes out; both grieving over the loss of those people's childhood but mine as well.
    It made me realize she honestly doesn't see what she did to me as wrong.

    I don't want her to hug me and say she's sorry... that wouldn't make up for it all... it's ruined me so bad. But it was a punch to the stomach to realize she hasn't got a clue.

    Because of her I accepted abuse from men, allowing them to pick me apart and take advantage of me.
    My last ex being the cruelest of them all. I didn't even love him but I allowed him to hurt me over and over again. He even pushed me into prostitution... and I was a zombie... I didn't even care about myself.

    When I wanted to get away from him it was so damn hard... I was so weak and had to build myself up from the very bottom before I could start to move away... he still isn't really accepting that I have left. He did a week or so ago tell me (after I exaggerated my mental break down) that he would try hard to leave me alone... because I made him see that if he drives my current and loving boyfriend away from me it will literally kill me. But I know better... he will find ways to snake back into my life. I have a sick ex girlfriend from when I was 17 who still manage to find ways to contact me out of the blue.

    On the train Saturday a man who sat across me reminded me of the young man who molested me when I was a child. I don't know if it was him... I haven't seen him in a lot of years; but he had the ethnicity mix and age... I felt so sick and almost ran out of the train when my stop finally came... I couldn't even figure out how to hold my bags...

    The cuts I made 2 weeks ago won't heal and they itch so bad, constantly reminding me what a failure I am. I've been doing that stupid cr*p since I was 13, when I was 19 I promised myself to stop and even got a tattoo to mark it. I'm 25 now.

    I hate myself... I hate the woman I became. The woman all those people molded me into. I could have been so much, I could have gone places...
    I am intelligent, very good memory usually (unless when I'm depressed and can't remember my own name). I got good grades in school (when I stopped faking being stupid to avoid bullying for being 'too smart').
    I'm educated...

    I am unemployed, have been for a long time. I have a professional CV with many good and very different experiences but I don't have the confidence to apply for a job. I am barely scraping by on benefits... and at the back of my head a stupid voice is whispering to me that if all else fails I can go back to prostitution.

    My week days consist of waking at 8 am to chat with my boyfriend while he's at work at until 5, trying to figure out dinner if I'm hungry, watch some Netflix and try to fall asleep... I don't really leave bed... I have chronic back and hip pain and the most comfortable position is the fetus position so that's how my days go...

    My current obsession has been ordering very cheap stuff for my Halloween costume online... but now that's done...

    My weekends... first of all, my boyfriend can't usually be there. (Long distance and his laptop is broken and he can't afford to replace it) though he sometimes gets to borrow his brother's... He's the only one who can talk me down when everything gets way too much.
    But I hate having to tell him I had a breakdown during the weekend because he feels so much guilt. He is still really struggling with the fact that I cut myself those weeks ago.
    I tried to joke about it some days ago (that's me... I always joke with bad stuff, it's my survival strategy... the more I joke and laugh at something the worse it is) and he asked me to change the subject because he felt physically ill talking about it.
    He wants to be here for me, he wants to help me, but... I feel like I have to hide a lot of it from him to protect him.

    My life is just too much to handle right now. If not for my boyfriend I had done it a long time ago
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 6, 2015
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering at the moment. Please do not feel that you are worthless. YOU ARE A VERY STRONG PERSON WHO HAS HURT FROM YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES. You can move forward but it a case to dealing the pain hour by hour. The natural role of a mother is support you and not be abusive. You need to be STRONG AND YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS. Please think that someone cares for the pain you have gone through and understands your pain. Just keep making that costume and keep posting for support to really deserve.
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  3. Yan12

    Yan12 Member

    Take care of yourself..You deserve to be happy :) please be strong
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  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome,

    You did not deserve to be abused from age 4, no child deserves that and you must accept it has happened and try and move forward. Try and untangle yourself from what has happened! You're a very intelligent person. Regarding your mom, perhaps she is in denial or her telling you about those stories was a way for her to bring it up into conversation and see what you say perhaps she was testing the waters?

    I am sorry to hear of your physical issues and pain. Are you taking pain medications? How are you being treated?

    Buying halloween stuff isn't the worst thing you could be doing lol! If you are enjoying it and can afford it then have fun. You deserve some fun in your life. May I ask what you are going to be dressed as for halloween? I think you Americans celebrate halloween much more than we do here in Ireland, although I know we do fireworks for halloween here and they don't generally in the U.S. Have a great Halloween!

    I'm not much older than you I am 26 and I am only rebuilding my life now and starting to go to college. Everyone is different. Abuse, emotional or physical affects everyone differently as you probably already know. I hope you can get through this. Counselling might do you the world of good if you can find one you can relate to. Please do not hate yourself, you sound like a wonderful person and perhaps we could be friends if you want! I was raped when I was 12 and I have been through emotional abuse so I can relate very well. Keep us updated here, hugs to you!
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  5. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I really want to say thank you to those who commented here and those who chatted with me today, it's really helped a lot.

    @Petal firstly let me say sorry for what happened to you.

    I am fighting for the right to get counseling and have for some months now... I was in therapy some years ago but at the time wasn't ready to open up about the abuse... and this time I've twice been told when I finally stuttered something about wanting help to deal with the abuse and rape that it's not "that important" since it's been so long... it's opened up for a lot of old 'wounds' about this. I have been placed at the bottom of the waiting list and can't expect to get any help before February if I'm lucky.

    I feel like I'm screaming under water and people just stand there not bothering to help me even if I may be frantically waving my hands signaling 'HELP ME, I'M DROWNING'.
    But it's partially my own fault... I've lived behind a mask since I was a little girl... I'm way too good at faking a smile... my best friend of 7 years only know a very tiny portion of the things I've lived through... even the things that happened while I knew her.
    I'm always the strong person who help everyone else, letting them cry on my shoulder while I'm crumbling inside myself.

    I don't think it was an opening from my mother... not a year ago she entertained a party with her methods of raising me and I had to sit there smiling while several people sent me worried looks... she believes she raised a strong, helpful and respectful daughter...

    But to be fair there was one thing that could have been an opening... I have a nervous tick where my feet shake and laying on her couch with the dog both him and I were shaking and she joked about it "Haha wow, both my daughter and my dog turned into nervous wrecks, what does that say about me?"... oh mum, you have no idea.

    About my back and hip pain, my doctors have sort of given up on me... I apparently have a disc in my back that's bulging out because of my scoliosis that didn't get treated when I was a pre-teen... no one listened to me and just told me I was lazy when I said I got back pains when walking back then and the curvature only got worse as I grew and it's still moving as I understand it.
    I'm on 'strong-ish' pain relief, that doesn't really help much... but I wouldn't be without it. When the disc first started bulging I refused to seek medical help because I didn't want medicine for the pain and I hoped it would go away. (as a young teen I was addicted to paracetamol in large doses... without then having too bad pains; I went cold turkey myself and since then I hadn't touched any form of pain killer no matter what). I am happy I finally did see my doctors about it...
    But they don't want to give me anything stronger because I'm quote "Too young to have that kind of pains" which apparently just means I have to bite it back until I'm old enough.

    Daily I take 3 Ibuprofen, 6 paracetamol and one 100mg Tramadol 24h.

    Any activity out of the ordinary comes with a payback in form of pain. Today I decided to clear some clutter in my flat and organize some stuff, did the dishes and shopped for groceries (trying not to do any heavy lifting) but even that was too much for me to handle.

    I'm not American btw, I'm Danish, and Halloween isn't really that big of a deal here... but the 'crowd' I hang with are goths, punks, artists and geeks and we LOVE Halloween. Any occasion to dress up and cosplay we take it!
    My costume is a bit 'artsy', it's a costume I've wanted to make for 7 years but now I'm finally doing it. It's based on Ophelia from Shakespeare's Hamlet; her ghost after she's drowned. It's basically a white dress, lots and lots of flowers and white ghost makeup. I'm obsessed with Hamlet, and a month ago got to see my favourite actor in the title role on a trip to London... a trip I paid a year ago (a good thing to come out of the prostitution).
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    ((gentle hugs to you)) You are doing all you can physically for yourself. Mentally is the key issue here, is there a reason you are not on anti depressants? A reason that you're on painkillers and nothing else? I'm no doctor but would have thought the PTSD would be controlled under a medication.

    I kinda know how you feel ''6 feet under screams and no one seems to hear a thing''!!!

    I was also in london a month ago, I had an amazing time, did your trip help you emotionally? Mine sure did, I didn't even need anti anxiety medications then. But you went and had a great time and I am glad you did because you deserve it :)

    I hope you have a wonderful Halloween. Have a great night and don't get too drunk ;)
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  7. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I am not officially diagnosed with PTSD, I should have mentioned that...

    I have gone with my symptoms alone and tried to deal in what ever ways I could... mostly dangerous ways. When I was 16 I didn't really sleep...
    Until recently my mother and those men were the only ones who knew what happened to me.

    Now when I've finally opened up and asked for help I am sort of met with therapists telling me it's "too late" and "not that important" .

    The smallest things can bring it all back and make me crash... a commonly used washing powder (sometimes my mum uses that to wash the sheets in my old room where I sleep some weekends when I visit... sometimes I have to sleep on the floor because of that, and I can't talk to mum about it).
    I get sick when I pass by the mill where it happened...
    I panic if people touch me, especially if I'm not prepared...
    I live in a student building and sometimes some drunk people think my door is theirs and I panic; instantly thinking someone is coming to hurt me again.
    I get scared if I walk home alone (I live in a very dark town because we have an observatory) and I can't see who is walking towards me...

    But yeah... it's apparently too late to ask for help. I should be over it by now... or something like that.

    Happy to hear you had a great time in London! It was my first time in London, and my first time traveling on my own. But I fell in love with the place, I felt so at home! I haven't had that since I was in Dublin for a week with school when I was 18.
    I really had a good time, not even my back or hip acted up! And it was the first time I saw my favourite actor in the flesh. Before I met my boyfriend he was the only thing keeping me alive... I didn't go to the stage door after to try to get an autograph as my anxiety started to act up again and I just wanted to get away from the mass of people at the theater.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I do agree that it does sound a lot like PTSD but please try and get a diagnosis. It is NOT too late. It is never too late, that's why we're all still here hanging on. Whoever tells you that it is too late is incompetent at best, please ignore such ignorant comments. When people say ''get over it'' it's often because of their own guilt or their lack of skills to deal with it and approach it. You deserve to get treated just like anyone else with the same condition. No one is more important than you!

    Thanks, I sure did have a wonderful time in London, met cousins I never met before, seen places I never saw before (even though I had been to london previously), what did you think of Dublin? (I am Irish but not a Dubliner )
    Sounds like you had a fabulous time and remember you have many many more great times ahead too! Believe in yourself!
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