I'm not over it... TW

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ShoegazeDaydream, Oct 11, 2016.

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  1. ShoegazeDaydream

    ShoegazeDaydream ~Kid at Heart~

    I was on the phone with a domestic violence hotline lady this week and she talked to me a lot over the phone. I came to the conclusion while talking to her that Sociopath's and Psychopath's are drawn to me. I stated how I think it's sad how so many woman are in love with psychopath's on TV shows: especially Tate Langdon on American Horror Story. As I said this she said, "OMG you took the words right out of my mouth." It makes me cry because I ended up falling in love with one and this is why Tate's character triggers me so much. As I remember watching the show I felt sick to my stomach. When Violet told him to "Go Away" I sobbed so hard as I watched it. I felt so connected with her character because my first love was a "psychopath" and I fell in love with him so deeply and I couldn't escape him for years. Anytime he told me he "changed" I went back to him. He always told me that he found God or once he actually told me that he was possessed by a demon. Anytime he did anything wrong, he blamed demons and that demons made him do bad things. I believed in "God" and thought this to be true when I was with him. Now I feel like such a fool. At one point he was involved with black magic and satanic stuff. He told me he had a spirit animal that was a "wolf" and that it spoke to him. Abused me, yet I was so dependent on him and he knew of this. Sometimes he would ignore text messages, phone calls from me and messages from me online. It would literally drive me crazy and give me so much anxiety. Sometimes he disappeared and then came back to me weeks, months or a year later and I would be waiting on him to come back desperately. Anytime I saw him, I would make sure I looked extra pretty for him, wear all my best outfits and do anything to make him happy. Even during sex: I would do anything to make him happy. His happiness was more important than even my own happiness. I put his needs before mine. Always. The truth is finally out. I'm not going to lie about this. Once I didn't have sex for 6 months and he was the first person I had sex with. My old boyfriend broke up with me and I found nobody else. Then one day my abuser came back and we started talking again. I was so happy because I waited so long for him to talk to me. Even in person I told him: "I'm so happy you're back. I missed you so much. I prayed to God so much for you to come back to me." I felt desperate for him. All I wanted was him and I didn't want anyone else but him. Only him. Why would I want him back knowing how awful he is to me. I believe like he brainwashed me and I have shellshock syndrome or something. [​IMG]

    I'm crying right now after writing that.......

    Sometimes he would grab my private area with his hand as he walked passed me and he knew I was molested by my father. Another time when he left his friend's house he told me how he wished he knew me when I was 8 years old. I got so creeped out by this and I knew something was wrong. Felt so vile and repulsed by him, than at the same time I felt sorry for him because his father psychically hit him when he was child and his mother abandoned him because his father was abusive towards her. I'm not sure if he was psychopath or a sociopath....I don't think it matters which one he was. There was definitely something wrong with him though. I have a learning disability and please don't laugh at me..... so many people laugh at me. My self esteem is so low because of this. Anytime I mention my abuse to people a lot people end up getting tired of it and hate hearing about it. They end up wanting me to move on. I'm so stuck in the past and I can't move on. Why can't I move on? Why am I so stuck on him? I didn't understand this. I felt confused. Everyone is getting married and having kids and here I am stuck on him. Now I finally get the emotional abuse aspect of it all. I'm simply still waiting around on him to come back to me. I love him still and I'm angry at myself. I want him to come back, yet I know what kind of damage he'll do to me. My father abused my mother in front of me and sexually abused me...... Than I go on believing this to to be normal. The more I talk about it, the more I reach out and the more I post about it, it helps me, it helps me understand what abuse is and about sociopaths and psychopaths are.

    Please sit with me. I'm feeling depressed tonight. All I keep thinking about is him pouring alcohol over my head....

    Dr. Ben Harmon:
    You're a psychopath, Tate. It's a mental disorder, and therapy can't cure it.

    Tate Langdon:
    So that's your diagnosis? I'm a psychopath?

    Dr. Ben Harmon:
    Yep, and the worst kind. You're charismatic and compelling and a pathological liar.
  2. Inspire&Inquire

    Inspire&Inquire SF Supporter

    It may be politically correct to tell you how sorry I am, but the truth is the sooner you get out of believing you are a victim the better off you will be. You are making the case for how you are a victim. That is what is victimizing you now.
  3. Inspire&Inquire

    Inspire&Inquire SF Supporter

    You are doing more damage to yourself reliving your abuse than the abuse itself caused you. The real damage is in ruminating. The sooner you can let go of your suffering, the sooner you can let go of the status of being a victim, the better off you will be and the better life you will live.
    Piexes likes this.
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, you have to be strong which I know is hard at the moment but you know the forum is here for YOU. You recognised that you were hurt in many ways and took advantage of. I know and understand it's hard but you have the support from the forum to help YOU.

    It will take time to get over the hurt you have felt but try to stay strong by using this forum. The forum will help you and please continue to the forum as you are a deserving person and never think anything different. Please take care of yourself.
  5. Piexes

    Piexes Well-Known Member

    You need to love yourself. You allow him to treat you like shit, you overlook it because you are lonely and you ruminate on what has been done to you and your mom, and you convince yourself that you aren't in control of your feelings for him. You are convincing yourself that not "hating" him is a virtue, that "understanding" and "feeling" for him are virtues, that it is romantic, that it's a sign of your goodness and pure love. This is not love, it is a codependence, it is an addiction, it is a type of self-harm. Anger is good, limitless "love" and "understanding" is not good. Anger is a form of love, if you love something enough, you will want to protect it from harm, you will be angered when it is disrespected, treated like garbage. As women, we are often told to curb our anger, that peace and understanding and love and harmony are things to live by and that these things can solve anything. It is a lie. Anger is necessary. Anger is a powerful manifestation of love, and of god. You need to learn to utilize it for good in your life. You have power, you aren't your past.

    You are not being good to yourself, nor are you being good to him. You are playing into his issues, you aren't helping him by being his doormat and taking him back whenever he wants someone to push around. You are both replaying your traumas, and it needs to stop or things will stay bad for you. There is nothing you can do to make him change, he does not WANT to change, and it is not your JOB to be his mommy. There are millions of interesting, attractive, worthy men out there who will treat you right, who will make you feel healthy versions of love free of abuse and disrespect. Maybe you are addicted to the emotional highs and lows his abuse brings you, and this is fueled by your lack of self-worth. You need to distract yourself, fill your life with things other than him. Stop watching shows that remind you of him, your trauma, avoid triggering things. Do not romanticize the situation.
    Inspire&Inquire likes this.
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