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I'm not perfect, I'm only human

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Butterfly, Sep 20, 2013.

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  1. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am feeling so low and worthless. I just want to cry so badly, but nothing will come out. People seem to forget that I am just a normal person, with real feelings and emotions, whether it's at work, at home or even here. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes and just like anybody else I learn from them as best as I can. Just because I hold a position of great responsibility (work, here, home) does not make it compulsory to receive abuse or be constantly put down. I am not a robot. But maybe I should stop caring. Maybe I should just put myself out of my own misery. I've only ever had the best of intentions, wanted to care, wanted to help but I always get trampled on in the process. Am I really that worthless and useless? I have had the worst night I have ever possibly had, and I just want to crawl into a hole, never to resurface. I guess I'm not worth shit to anyone. I am obviously the epitamy of the human race who deserves nothing less than pain, suffering and torment. Maybe I should accept that I just have no use on this planet, and just finally get the courage to end it once and for all.
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I think you are very caring, feeling, and hardworking. I think maybe your sales pitch to yourself needs some buffing up. :hug:

    Think of all the ways that you have reached out to people and made a difference...Caring for people at work - a gentle word, and kind look go a long way to helping someone in pain. And here, supporting people when they're at a really low point - getting them through a very hard moment that could have gone really wrong for them. At home, with your fiancé - what would he do without you? - you do so many things together and have plans for the future.

    You have a very important place on the planet - because you are you and you give lots to the world and to others. Please keep in mind how many people do care about you. And balance that against those who give you a hard time. :arms:
  3. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Maybe that's true, but for every person I've ever tried to help it seems like I've pissed off another 5 people in the process. I tried helping someone tonight, only going into sketchy details but the upshot of it was I had a glass chucked at my head. Since I've been home I've received nothing but criticism about how useless I am so it makes you feel that way. It's constant and I can't escape it wherever I go or whatever I do. I had such a nice holiday, and just feel like everything has been ruined since . Came home. I want to give up. I've had enough.
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I can see how that could wear a person down. The fact that you are trying to help and being compassionate and showing interest are good in themselves, even if some people get pissed off or don't appreciate it. If people appreciate it, in my experience, that's a bonus. Most people are so busy doing their best to make their way in the world, they are indifferent to others, or they are so focused on getting their own needs met, they lash out at others - but it's not personal, it's about getting what they think they need.

    Sweetie, I think you're being hard on yourself and you're accepting others' snipes and criticisms as completely valid. It's more likely they just want to snipe and criticize and you're standing there at the wrong time.

    Go make some hot chocolate and snuggle in a blanket and daydream - be good to yourself in some special way. :arms:
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're not worthless or useless, you do so much good here and I believe it's the same in your personal life too. I'm sorry people have made you feel so badly about yourself, but I just want you to know you do matter to someone. :hug:
  6. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I must always be about at the wrong time then. If that's the case then I'm better off fucking off for good.

    Thanks for the kind words though Act and Alison, tears are streaming and not sure I deserve any kindness.
  7. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Butterfly, I'm like a crap magnet sometimes. The fact that I'm sensitive and don't want to hurt others seems to attract more than my fair share of nasty shots. It's not that we're bad people or deserve crap, sweetie, it's that people sense we aren't going to snipe back. You don't have to let them have the power to hurt you...Perhaps you could let them know that you don't accept how they're evaluating you.
  8. Event_Horizon

    Event_Horizon SF Supporter

    Dear Butterfly. You are far from useless and you stopping caring would be yet another loss to the world of human decency and kindness. You certainly are not shit or deserving of shit. I can assure you, you have helped me in the past. I had a few very explosive days and you calmed me down. I will not forget that. So to say you don't matter is somewhat disputed. I know for a fact plenty here care for you and do not consider you useless. This useless feeling may be depression talking, fed by difficult experiences and stresses going on right now.

    I understand your role in authority puts you in the firing line often. You cannot please every one and to even try is to court failure. Instead you should focus on the victories, on those who do positively respond. But also know how to draw the line. As ultimately every one is responsible for themselves. You can not fix everything and you cannot alter reality regardless of others demands that you do so for them. It is often the case that many have impossible expectations of you. Especially when it comes to the public. Unfortunately in your profession you will be exposed to abusive people. What is important is how you handle it and let it go and not take it home with you. Especially if your home environment is an invalidating one. Why are you being invalidated at home? What expectation is there of you? It sounds like you may be burning out. I imagine like me you do not have the luxury to do so. So ask yourself what does nourish you in your life. Lift your spirits and make you feel good?

    If you wish to continue insulting yourself I will move to refute everything negative or flawed you say about yourself. As you are a valuable human being and your compassion is a beautiful thing I would hate to see lost. If you want to talk let me know and I will aim to come into chat or speak with you elsewhere. You are not alone and you are not worthless.
  9. Fleurise

    Fleurise Well-Known Member

    Butterfly I've missed you so much while I was gone, you are far from useless. You are one of the people I thought about while I was unable to come on here, your warm heart and kindness shone like a bright light. That doesn't mean that you always have to be that way when here. Please know that because you bright light isn't shining as brightly right now, I only want to shine mine brighter, so it may light your way. I'm hoping to catch up with you soon, I seem to be missing a few people lately and wondering how they are. Please Take care of this little butterfly, I miss it greatly and would be saddened if it's wings were crushed.
    Yours Fleurise
  10. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I hope youre doing better now butterfly, i can relate to some of what you wrote thats for sure. You sound like you're being too hard on yourself about some things. We always need compassion for ourselves and i know it can be hard when people are being critical or mean. Im an expert on mistskes ive made so many its almost a miracle im still alive, but ive got enough other problems that if i beat myself up for them more then a bit here or there one my life would be even worse and thats the last thing i need. Dont do that to youself you deserve better.

    I know we dont know each other except a bit of chats here or there and we've had a couple issues over the years but otherwise you have come across as kind, caring and meaning well just like you state in the OP. I know you have a lot your dealing with as well so i can understand not being perfect and i have a lot on my plate as well so and ive certainly not been perfect myself when it comes to this forum or in other areas in my life.

    Strangly i posted in my thread which you commented in replying mods are only human, without having seen this thread. Thats kind of weird actually.

    Thats worrisome someone is calling you names. Some people just want others to hurt when theyre hurting, which is sometimes not done unconsciously..Somstimes its a manipulation tactic, make someone feel worse about themselves so they value you more.

    Have a great weekend!
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 21, 2013
  11. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Thank you all for your very kind and supportive messages. It really means a lot to me and I really do appreciate them. I have had some sleep (albeit only a couple of hours) and I am feeling a little better today. I'd had a very, very bad day yesterday on top of already feeling very volatile and I think everything just got on top of me and the result was an ultimate explosion. I was hoping that being on holiday would help me feel a little better, and while I was able to relax and I did enjoy myself and have a lot of fun (and was spoilt rotten on my birthday!) I still felt very down and depressed, ended up getting drunk most nights and taking valium (which obviously did not help things).

    I am getting rather fed up of how things are going at home, I do try my best to do as much as I can when I can but at the minute I'm constantly met with criticism. I'm not the best at housework and unless you leave me a list I am oblivious to it, apart from the obvious things such as the washing up, looking after the animals, cleaning up mess etc. but I try to make up for it in other ways such as doing a lot of the driving, being good with budgeting money (for the most part, even after a manic spending spree I am still able to budget for the rest of the month on a pittance and I am not in any debt). But when I do try and do things, I'm met with criticism. An example is my parents went away on holiday, my fiancé was on a 14 day stretch at work so I had to do most of the housekeeping, cooking and looking after the animals despite being on night shifts myself. I'd done literally everything that week, as I was told, my mum comes home and in less than 5 minutes she's saying "This floor's sticky, there's dust on that table, the cats have got food everywhere" etc it was not a thank you for looking after the house and THEIR animals it was just criticism. Then she moaned cause I'd forgotten to put the recycle bin out for collection. I must admit I'd completely forgotten, with being on nights I'd gotten mixed up with my days and it had just slipped my mind. It's other things aswell like my fiancé or mum will go and randomly do some cleaning like dusting the room, cleaning the bathroom etc when it doesn't need to be done and then they complain about it and then have a go at me calling me lazy and bone idle because I don't do enough. I always tell them that if they want me to do something, I'll happily do but leave me a fricken list so I know what I've got to do cause I'm not a mind reader! There's also things like when I've come off a run of working several 12 hour shifts at work, on my first day off I just want to chill out and relax and I get accused of being lazy, but I just get so tired and I tell them again if they want me to do something, to leave me a list. I'm getting a lot of criticism about my moods. I've told them I'm not doing well and have been to see my GP and I'm sorry fi I snap, I can't always help it and not to take it personally. But they are constantly invading my space, wandering in and out of my mum (my parents) without knocking when I want to be left in peace and when I snap they have a go at me. They have also been pissing me off big time, moaning about me going away on holiday, moaning about me having time off work (it's my annual leave that I am entitled too) but whilst I was away, I find that my car has gone from almost a full tank of petrol to half a tank of petrol and that my new hoover is full of shit and they'd been using it without my permission. There's other things like food I buy for me and my fiancé going missing and them using things without asking. It's not like I'm freeloading either, I pay a hell of a lot of money to stay living at home. People will read this and think, well, move out then? I am saving up to move out. But I am acquiring pieces of furniture for when I do move out because I will have literally nothing, making sure I have enough money to buy bedroom furniture, sofa, fridge, washing machine etc aswell as having enough money for a bond and rent ready for when I move in. There's also the new added complication of my dad possibly getting new job in another city, and my mum and dad have offered for me to rent the house off them while they rent in the other city. But fi that was to happen, it wouldn't happen for a while yet and I'd have to put up and shut up.

    As far as work goes, most people know I work with dementia patients and I constantly get verbal and physical abuse off them, which is fine, I know they can't help it and it's the nature of the job, but my god, the relatives are just plain awful at times. Rude, condescending, accusing us of preposterous things. of course we nurses are public enemy number one at the moment thanks to the media, we are all cold hearted, uncaring, murderous individuals who are all complicit in the government's wishes to kill off the elderly to make bedspace and save them money. I've never heard such bull shit in my entire life, and this is what we are up against. Relatives treat us like we are murdering scum, and we are being accused of some outrageous things such as falsifying documents etc. Of course, with the elderly and confused they make up all kinds of stories to tell their relatives, so when we have evidence to prove otherwise (most patients are confused due to delirium from infection, low sodium, heart failure and other issues) we are falsifying documents. I don't know, you just get fed up of it after a while. Not all are bad, we get some lovely ones relatives who do nothing but help us, praise us and it does make up for the bad. You just get annoyed with the plain ignorant ones, and they always happen to never bring in clothes, toiletries for their elderly relative so they are stuck in crappy gowns with cheap NHS toiletries (might aswell not even bother). Most of us club together out of our money to buy things like shower gel, soaps, shampoo, shaving gel, deodorant, body sprays so they can just feel human and normal, but obviously this is uncaring :p

    This has kinda turned into a rant. There's also other stuff going on, that I don't really want to discuss here, but you know, constantly being dragged down, it does get the better of you sometimes, especially when you are already feeling pretty delicate and fragile.
  12. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Maybe it is waay too late to reply now, but I do believe every single one of us deserve kindness. No one born to be criticized, and I do believe you means something for alot of people here, your family and friends. Sometimes people are inconsiderate and only think about themself, but I guess that's because they feel insecure and prefer not to put themself in a place where they're not familiar or comfortable, therefore being ignorant.

    I try not to judge, but judging from your moderator status, it means u are valued by people, loved and of course if u want to put it that way, very useful for others. I don't know you yet, but I can see that you are loved.
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