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I'm not sad

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by top of the slide, Oct 26, 2010.

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  1. top of the slide

    top of the slide New Member

    I'm just crazy
    I haven't taken my meds in a week, maybe less, maybe more, and before that it was sporadic and occasional. I can't stop thinking, I can't think. I can't take them, they're bad, I don't want them inside me. They don't like me. I feel so frantic right now, I can't stop crying. I just want to sleep, but when I do, it's just full of dead things and the dark scares me. I'm not making myself throw up, I ate today, I don't cut or burn or bruise anymore, I tell myself I'm good, but there's something I can't fix, I can't talk. I can't say what I need but I need something. I feel like I'm not there. I'm not here, I don't know where I am. I'm not angry or sad I'm just hysterical. I was talking to M on the phone and I couldn't stop laughing, and I know I was scaring her, but I missed her, but I couldn't feel anything. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to go to class, I don't want to study, I don't want to look anyone in the eye. I don't want to hit another bottom.
    I can't tell anyone because whenever I try to my mind goes bland and everything's fine, I have to prove to everyone that I'm doing fine on my own and I made the right decision and I can take care of myself and do something with my worthless confused life. I have to prove everyone wrong, that I can do things on my own I can stand on my own two feet, I don't want everyone to look at me and think they knew me just because they know that I'll do the same f-cking thing over and over and over again, I am just a cycle. I can't talk to anyone because if they look in my face they will see the demon there.
    I've been acting so normally, I've been keeping myself busy, so I barely have a free moment alone with my head. I'm going insane. I can't even see. Everying is just a bunch of colors, I don't know what I need.
    I didn't go into work because I thought I didn't have it today, and then my boss called asking where I was but I didn't pick up because I can't talk. I don't know what to do. I can't do anything. No way I can leave the house. I'm terrified. I want this all to end so bad, I don't want to be in this place, I am so trapped in my mind. I just want it all to go away.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think you need to go to the ER.. You are raceing and all over the place..You need to get some help..You can't do this all by yourself..
  3. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you're in crises atm (((hugs)))

    Was just wondering why you stopped taking meds about a week ago?
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    please call crisis emergency get some help okay so yu can get stable
    it will only get worse if you don't so please you can do this call someone you trust and get them to take you to hospital and get help
  5. titanic

    titanic Well-Known Member

    Have private messaged you. Are you ok? :sad:
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry things seem so rough...please speak to your doctor to see what other medications you can take which might be more effective and make you feel better...most importantly, are you safe? Please PM me and let me know how you are doing...J
  7. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hope you got to hospital and are getting help please let us know how you are doing okay
  8. top of the slide

    top of the slide New Member

    Thank you so much for all of your replies-
    I'm doing a lot better, it's hard to believe I posted that just 3 days ago. I talked to my therapist and made an appointment with my psychiatrist. This is something that has happened to me before, the last time was about 6 months ago and I ended up becoming violent and having to go into a hospital for a while. I've been doing pretty well since then, but the past few months I've been going downhill.
    I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about it, but I think these episodes might be happening because I may have bipolar disorder, and I've been taking medication for depression. I guess treating bipolar with antidepressants can cause psychosis in some people. I stopped taking my medication when my paranoia started getting pretty bad. I don't make it easy for my doctors to help me because I'm very good at pretending nothing's wrong, and then things like this happen :p Looking back at the things I wrote, it's very hard to believe I wrote them at all. I have a hard time identifying my symptoms when I'm not experiencing them at the time. Does anyone else have any problems like that? Anyway, thank you so much for being concerned about me... It means so much to me. :love:
  9. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm bipolar too and what you say is true, anti depressants can mess you up. they can trigger psychosis and also a manic episode. i'm on meds for bipolar that have worked really well for me -- i was on lithium to start, and then epival after that, with zeldox. few side effects and mood swings are under control.

    hope your psychiatrist will try some new meds for you. good luck and glad you are feeling better. and there's n o thing wrong if you have to back to the hospital for a tune up. i'm a repeat visitor!
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