i'm not scared but..

[/dev/null]

i'm not scared but.. *possible trigger*

hi, it's me again...

last night, i was thinking of possible ways to die that are available right now...
<mod edit-gentlelady-triggering & methods>


anyways ever since then i can't stop thinking about just doing it...
i think now that i have such an easy way to do it, i'm going to end up doing it... so much easer than looking for a gun to buy... i
i started working on a suicide note today... i'm trying to sum it all up onto one piece of paper and it's all so hard for me to explain on one sheet of paper.. plus, it's gotta all make sense and hopefully give them at least SOME idea why...
i would definitely not do it right outside though... i know an empty lot of sorts down the street that should have something decent to hang myself on...
idk, i think i've been really obsessing over death again since i'm pretty sure i have a way to do it again...
the last couple nights i haven't even wanted to hurt myself really... just die... it's like i no longer care about making myself feel better...
it's like i subconsciously made the decision to die right there without fully realizing it until after i made up my mind...

i guess i'm posting this probably because i feel really guilty for wanting to do it...
one of my best/only friends has had several close friends who have committed suicide already (one in the same room!).. not to mention that she's trying to take care of a baby right now...
if i committed suicide right now it would be so shitty of me.. but somehow the main part of me wants to just go ahead anyway, regardless... but that would be so bad........
i almost want to make it so noone would know, but i know that's not really practical right now...
my other friend is counting on me to bail his ass out of jail...

i feel like i'm letting them both down ... that's why the note has to be so perfect if/when i do it...
i feel like i'm drowning on dry land and suicide is the only way to get to the refreshing air above...

i feel so guilty for it but i want to do it so badly....
this is the first time i've ever actually had to worry about this sort of thing while considering suicide, so it's really confusing..... i'm hoping they'd get over it quick enough though...
but i worry so much about it... what if she completely stops producing milk because of it? what if he ended up really needing my help to get out...
i know i don't want to mess things up too bad, but i can't think of another way and it's so hard to resist doing it... not just right now but constantly... and even the most minor things seem to be bothering me so bad right now... i just really hope they forgive me if i do it...

 

[DrowningInTears]

plz at least hold on to bail ur friend its somethin to liv for. maybe by then u will feel alittle better

 

[Stranger1]

Your method has some negative undertones. When you do it, your tongue sweels up and your eyes bulge out. So basically you are strangling yourself. Not a pretty picture.

 

[/dev/null]

i know all the gross stuff that will happen and that it will hurt unbearably... but i really don't seem bothered by it at all...
i figure by the time i start to regret it, i'll only have a short time before it's all over anyway...
i'm really suprised how calm i was thinking about it...
knives scare me for some reason... can't ever go through with it...
the rope didn't seem to hold any fear at all though... neither do guns...
i know for a fact i could do it with a gun... i made positively sure to numb myself to that years ago...
but i'd have to buy one... that takes time, energy, effort and money i just don't have right now...

on the brighter side i've heard my friend may be able to cut a plea bargain and get out on probation by wedensday, and today went pretty darn well comparitively... and i still feel like shit...
i really hope he gets out though... i think i'll feel somewhat better, and i'll have less to worry about if i end up still doing it...

i think i'm going to try and finish that note though...

 

[StangerInAStrangeLand]

Hi /dev/null,

It sounds like you have friends who care about you - thats a big deal (not everyone here has got that). No matter what your friends read from your note I am sure they would be devastated to know you've died. Also, just as an aside - I've tried hanging myself before - I spent 8 hours hanging from the ceiling until someone came and cut me down in the morning (it's no where near as easy as it seems). I ended up having a nasty burn around my neck for a few months - it was pretty humiliating and upsetting.

BTW kudo's on the clever name - perhaps /dev/sda1 or /dev/hda1 has more friends, in ~/.mozilla/firefox/ in the cache folder - if nothing else cat /dev/urandom > /dev/null - it's something to do.

 

[Stranger1]

Is the baby yours or your friends. I was just thinking if your the dad and try to commit it will be hard on the baby growing up and finding out what happen. Just a Thought. You have friends, are you close enough to discuss this with them? I hope you find peace with all the thoughts. Some might fade away and others will probably be with you for the rest of your life. Mine are with me everyday. I use the coping skills I learned from my therapist. I slip every now and then and start putting the ball in motion, Then i remember what my daughter said to me( that if I tried again she would never forgive me). That pretty much calms me down...:chopper:

 

[Anime-Zodiac]

You have people who care for you, isn't that worth living for. I very much doubt they would ever forget you.

 

[/dev/null]

hey... thanks for the replies... i guess i'll reply chronologically...

wow... really eight hours after an eight foot drop?... that would suck...
the only gun i didn't get rid of is my .22, and i left all the bullets in a storage 30 miles away...
i was thinking that might ensure success in conjunction... but idk... i know i don't wanna be a vegetable or have a failed attempt...


and no, Stranger1, the baby's not mine... and as far as discussing anything with anyone in real life... NO WAY! i simply couldn't even imagine doing that, no matter how close we were... but i am kinda scared they might not forgive me, especially when i know that one of them has already had to deal with this happening enough times already.... idk, i doubt they'd actually be as mad as i think they would...


i do know that having friends is really, really nice...
before i met these two, i didn't have ANYONE... i would have killed myself for sure... but then they asked me if i wanted to stay and be roommates, you know...
i didn't really want to cus i figured i'd end up just killing myself and them having to deal with it (ironic, aye?), but on the day i was supposed to take the plane back home,
i started thinking about how i was feeling a lot better... and maybe things would be ok this way... maybe even kinda good, you know?.. i spent so much time thinking about it, i missed the plane semi-purposefully...
for a while before all this extradition bullshit happened and we were renting this really nice house, i felt so much better having friends around that i told myself to go ahead and just live half a life until my time expired... believe me, NOT an easy decision to make...
but then i got WAY more depressed... i just couldn't handle it... it got so bad that not only did i get like totally lethargic (they kept asking if i was sick), then i started over SIing, and got caught, which caused them both to become EXTREMELY angry with me... they got even madder when i wouldn't tell them why... i would always auto-reply something like "i'm fine", frequently without even realizing it...
it seems a lot easier for me to just be able to tell myself "don't worry, you won't have to deal with this much longer"...
i'm not even sure i would want to go back to the way things were... it was way to hard anyways...
right now at least i have the ability to almost fake like nothings wrong...


idk, it's a lot to think about... i did get the note finished last night though, and it came out better than i expected it to... but yea...