I'm not supposed to be here. But I need to rant.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by TheLoneWolf, Nov 20, 2013.

  1. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    This might sound like a ridiculous rant. I am sure that nobody here can relate to me. I am sure that most of you don't care. That's fine. You don't have to reply. I'm just ranting, because I don't have anyone to talk to, and this is the only place I can vent.

    A month and a half ago, I lost the woman I loved. Ever since then, my life has been utter shit. I have nothing to live for anymore. I have no friends. No lover, and no prospect of ever finding another. My so-called family "pretends" to care by sending me the occasional text message. Yeah, well, fuck them. Fuck them all. I don't need anyone. I'm used to being alone. I don't fucking need ANYBODY.

    Look, I get it. I'm a boring, angry, lonely pathetic fuck. Nobody wants to talk to me. That's fine. I don't care. But it fucking pisses me off to no end when complete strangers judge me without knowing anything about me.

    I went out for a cigarette this morning. As I was walking back to my apartment, there was a woman outside walking her dog. Middle aged woman, rather ugly, dressed in her pajamas. I paid her no mind. I'm used to strangers ignoring me, and I ignore them in turn. But this woman didn't just ignore me. She takes one look at me, and quickly rushes away in the opposite direction, as if she's afraid of me.

    WHAT THE FUCK DO I LOOK LIKE, A FUCKING RAPIST??? I'M NOT A FUCKING RAPIST. I'm not a robber, a serial killer, an abuser, or anything of the like. Why the fuck do seemingly normal people flee from me like I'm the goddamned antichrist? I'M NOT GOING TO HURT YOU. I'm far more likely to hurt myself than anyone else. WHAT THE FUCK???? That pisses me the hell off. That some woman, who doesn't know me from Adam, just assumes that a guy walking around outside HIS OWN APARTMENT BUILDING at 8 a.m. wants to rape her. Jesus Christ lady, I'm a 34 year old virgin. No wonder I'm a virgin. Obviously I give off a "rapey" kind of vibe or something. No wonder most women avoid me like I'm radioactive. I'm just a fucking sad, pathetic guy trying to survive in a fucked up world. I wouldn't hurt a fly unless it tried to hurt me first. I certainly wouldn't ever dream of hitting, mugging, or raping a woman. But APPARENTLY people think they have "good instincts", and they just love to judge pathetic losers like me. "It's the quiet ones you have to watch," they say. In the words of George Carlin: "I'll bet you anything that while you're watching someone quiet, a noisy one will fucking kill you." Hey, lady - you're more likely to be raped by your date, your creepy uncle, or even your own husband than you are by a random guy who just happens to be walking back into HIS OWN APARTMENT, IN BROAD FUCKING DAYLIGHT after smoking a fucking cigarette.

    I find it MORE THAN JUST A LITTLE IRONIC that the WORLD doesn't trust ME. After everything this life has thrown at me... and I'M the bad guy. Right. Keep telling yourselves that. Whatever helps you sleep at night.

    End rant. You can now go back to enjoying your lives without me in it. Don't feel any obligation to reply to this. But please, do me a favor... if you see me walking down the street... don't cross to the other side of the street, or clutch your fucking purse, or whatever. God damn. I'm not going to rape you, mug you or kill you. I'm just a guy trying to mind his own fucking business. I am not that fucking scary.
  2. tikktakk

    tikktakk New Member

    I had a somewhat similar experience some years ago. I visited Florida with a friend (I live in Europe) and we ate at a restaurant. Sometimes when I am tired or nervous my eyes move and behave oddly. This time I was very tired after having driven too far distances with our rental car and my eyes probably moved in a weird way. So this couple sitting at a nearby table started talking about me and said that I might be dangerous. They didn't leave the table, but watched me kind of cautiosly all the time.
    I think people in the US are exposed to too much news about serial killers and psycopath killers so that some people expect everyone who seems slightly odd to them to be dangerous. That is judging from my limited experience. It is a shame these people should be so afraid all the time. It is also not nice when people think you are a rapist or a violent person for no good reason.
  3. BornFree

    BornFree Well-Known Member

    Hey Lonewolf... :arms: as a paranoid dysfunctional woman myself, I just wanted to apologize for the hurt that you are feeling from that womans reaction.
    I have and do fear people as a result of what I have been through... Its not right I know, but please know its not you personally ok? From what I have seen you post on here you seem like a nice guy so please go easy on yourself & write it off as her "issue". I came here to rant myself, but just wanted to say people here care so in that sense you are not alone. Hang in there. Hope you feel better soon.
  4. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    You may be right. As you may have guessed, I am both an American and a little bit odd. It's not my fault. I've been through more shit than most "normal" people could ever possibly imagine. I'm well aware that most people don't want to interact with me, and I'm fine with that. I've come to peace with that. But dammit, I hate being treated like I have leprosy. To be honest, I had no intentions of interacting with that woman at all. In fact, I was bothered by the fact that she was even in the vicinity of the stairwell I had to climb in order to get to my apartment, simply because I fear having to interact with strangers at all. She was afraid I was going to rape or kill her - and here I was just afraid that she might try to talk to me. Definitely a case of "it's more afraid of you than you are of it". This is why I prefer going out at night. Less of a chance of seeing other people. I don't want to hurt anyone. Most of the time I just want to be left alone. It's funny how, when I want people to talk to, nobody talks to me. But when I want people to leave me the fuck alone, that's when they all decide to bombard me with their bullshit. This lady was worried that I was walking up the sidewalk near her - I was just annoyed that someone was on my sidewalk. She's not a neighbor of mine. I had every right to be there, she didn't. Her dog was pissing on my grass. Maybe that's why she was in a hurry to get away, maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe she was embarrassed by her dog's actions, but I interpreted it as her feeling threatened by me. I was just trying to mind my own damn business. I didn't want to talk to her. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I couldn't care less if her dog decides to plop down a steaming pile right in front of my walkway. I'll simply walk around it, the same way I walk around all the other stupid paranoid steaming piles I'm forced to come into contact with on a daily basis. And yes, I'm talking about people. I am comparing people to fresh stinking turds on the ground. Because that is how most of them see me, and the feeling is mutual. I have absolutely no desire to dirty my clean shoes with their filthy stench, in spite of their delusional narcissistic fantasies in which they believe they are the center of the universe. It's not always about you. Some of us don't give a flying fuck about you and your job and your three kids and your Facebook status. Just as nobody gives a flying fuck about me and my pointless rants, which is precisely why I spew my thoughts anonymously into the purposeless void that is the internet, where they can go to die and be buried amongst all the other mindless meaningless chatter that clutters the overpopulated clusterfuck that we call the "world wide web".

    But anyway, that is another rant for another day. Fucking sick and tired of everything. Just needed to vent some, to keep my head from exploding. Though maybe I'd be doing both myself and the world a favor if I just let it all build up until I spontaneously combust.
  5. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Appreciate the sentiments and I apologize for my typically overdramatic reaction. I seriously doubt this woman had been through anything traumatic to warrant her suspicions, some people just view me suspiciously by default, because I have social anxieties and that causes my body language to throw out weird signals, I guess. I can't help it. I hate how everyone just jumps to conclusions based on "first impressions", as if first impressions mean dick. Most sociopathic serial killer types are confident, friendly, charming individuals. They're not people like me. People like me are more likely to be found dead and decomposing in our one-bedroom apartments weeks after we died, because no one bothered to come check on us, because nobody knows we even exist. The only reason anyone even knows we died is because we suddenly stopped paying the rent and the neighbors noticed an unpleasant smell. I am even less significant than a fly on the wall; at least the fly makes an annoying buzzing noise until somebody has the good sense to swat it out of its misery. Or maybe by posting here, I have become the fly on the wall; maybe my posts are just an annoying buzzing noise.

    I am not a nice guy. Well, I am, in a way, but in another way, I'm not. I'm kind of a nice guy and an asshole both at the same time. It's hard to explain, really. But one thing I am definitely NOT is a rapist. And yet I'm always made to feel like I'm a "creepy guy". Why? Because I'm not charming and good looking? Because I'm shy and socially awkward? I'll bet if I was a charming, confident, good looking rapist, women would be flocking to me in droves. Deny it all you want, but you know I'm right. The difference between flirtation and sexual harassment is basically the difference between a desirable guy and an undesirable one. Not that any of this applies to the situation at hand - like I said, I had absolutely no intentions of interacting with this woman at all. I was hoping she would be gone before I even had to walk near her. The second she turned around and saw me, she reacted as though she had just seen a fucking ghost. Am I a ghost? Is it really that scary for a man to be walking up to his own apartment building where he lives at 8 in the morning? I'll bet if I was a good looking doctor in a suit and tie, she would be absolutely smitten, and would probably look for any excuse to follow me or stop me to talk to me. It wouldn't matter to her if that good looking doctor also happened to be a cannibal who collected human skulls as a hobby. People love to make snap judgments about others, without knowing anything at all about them. I have to laugh when somebody claims to have a good "sense" about people. Sort of like the idiot juror who claims, "I can tell if somebody is guilty or not just by looking at them". Really? Then somebody give you an award, because you must be fucking psychic. Well, that or psychotic. Hard to tell the difference, though, really.

    And now that I have probably successfully offended several dozen people, I should probably wrap this up. Again, appreciate the sentiments, but the fact of the matter is that most people don't care about me, and I am, in fact, alone. No need to tell me to hang in there. I'm not suicidal - at least, not any more. I figure it's only a matter of time before something or somebody else decides to take my life for me, which will save me the inconvenience.
  6. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    It might have been her age, I've noticed as I get older I feel more vunerable, something I never thought I would feel as I did martial arts in my younger years.
    Now, arthritis and a heart condition have made me very wary, something as simple as someone walking behind me can make me feel unsafe.
  7. wyngedbyste

    wyngedbyste Well-Known Member

    You can't read her mind. She may just be as paranoid as everyone else and it had nothing to do with you.