I'm not sure I can do this much longer.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by SadKaity, Aug 18, 2008.

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  1. SadKaity

    SadKaity New Member

    I decided to re post this because I need help and I cant be bothered retyping everything again...

    Here the insanity. I'm 30. Ever since I can remember I have felt like my life was.... no is a lie. When I was 7 I started to make what little sense of it as I could. I wanted to be female. But I never new why. This was a big source of problems. Imagine going for over 20 years feeling like a freak. You never fit in. You never feel like a normal person. (I know the word normal is subjective).I never had a happy childhood and even to this day I can not remember any part of my childhood being happy. In fact I have spent most of my life attempting to forget my childhood. Primary school was tolerable. High school was the worst time of my life. Not a day went by I wasn't phyically assaulted. Even suffered a fractured skull and a broken rib in the first six months.

    At 17 I met my partner. I have been with her ever since. When I found that I could trust her with my life, I told her of my ambiguity. She was great. Supported me and even bought me cloths. I managed to fumble my way through Uni still feeling like an outcast. Worked in an industry I hated. Then stupidly joined the defence force. Big mistake. Over the next four years I developed a self harm and alcohol addiction, had a nervous breakdown and diagnosed with severe depression. Not a good look in the Air force. In this time I also damaged my back and now suffer from sciatic pain and I wet myself thanks to a damaged nerve. I sleep in a nappy and cant ride my motorbike or drink any alcohol with out wetting myself. Thanks to this I wear a diaper. My parter thinks this is a kink. Combine this with not being able to sleep through a night with out pain or waking up a dozen times.

    My father suffered a major head injury a while ago, and is a totally different man who I hate deeply. My mother is suffering with cancer and my partners mum is too. My relationship is crumbling into nothing thanks to my partners family demanding so much of her time and I hate them for this.

    I finally discover what is behind this desire to be a woman and feel okay and finally stop feeling guilty for dressing and at last feel like my true self when I dress. But my partner after councelling discovers that she cant handle my dressing and asks me to stop. Thinking that is her fault. Even though I have been dressing since I was 7.

    I hate my job, but it's secure. I hate my family, I have no friends, my relationship is fucked and I feel like a lying freak. Basically I am just so tired of this constant struggle. I wanted to see what it was like to hang myself and I liked it. But I just keep stopping myself from finally doing it. But I so desperately want to die. I don't care if it's a pill, a blade, or a home made noose. I'm just so tired.

    Please, i beg anyone who replies, don't give me the 'thins will get better adage. It hasn't. I've tried this approach for last ten years....:sad:
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Hun I dont have any words of wisdom to share only to say that I'm sorry that you have struggled through so much of your life. Cant say that I can help but if you ever need a shoulder to lean on mines there and I'm only a pm away.
  3. noplacetogo

    noplacetogo Well-Known Member

    I feel for you. I don't know what it's like to want to be of the opposite gender, but from what you've told, it sounds like you've lived a rough life thus far. I don't understand why your partner has suddenly changed her mind on your dressing, but if she can't accept you for who you are when you need it most, then I think it should be time to let them go. The only way we can feel happy about our lives is to live it the way we want. If dressing makes you happy, you shouldn't let others bring you down about it. I know it sounds easier said than done, but you've said that you've let go of the guilt and shame and now you feel like yourself when you do it. You can't deprive yourself of that one happiness just because someone else can't handle it. I don't know the depth of your relationship with your partner, but if not being able to be yourself is causing you grief, you have to take action to do what's right for you.
    I'm sorry for all the pain you've endured. perhaps it's time to find a new place. Move from where you are to where you feel more comfortable being yourself perhaps. I don't know where that place could be, but maybe a change of scenery will help. There are people who suffer like you. perhaps you can find them.
    It sounds like you want to live, but you've lost hope. You have to not kill yourself. I don't know why, but just don't do it. There's something else for you in this life.
  4. patacake

    patacake Well-Known Member

    thinking of u and ur pain hun

    jo xx
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