I'm not sure I can take much more

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by odnox, Sep 7, 2008.

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  1. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I'm back.

    Work has just gotten really bad. I have projects that were due in October that have now been moved up an entire month and are now due in less than 2 weeks. Even October was going to be difficult. And I don't think anyone at work cares. I know they don't.

    I haven't had a single full day off in a month, while trying to get what I can done. I'm tired. I'm hungry. I can't stop crying. I don't have anyone in my real life who cares even a little. I don't even care anymore. I just want to die and have this pain go away.

    I've had my resume out for 2 days and have had a lot of contact, but even that's been overwhelming. Everyone wants me to come in to their office for 30 minutes, just to chat. Fuck, I don't have 30 minutes for every one of them, especially just to fucking chat. They won't even tell you about openings without that fucking chat. I hate IT recruiters.

    My birthday is next week and I just think the best birthday present I could give myself would be to end it. My life is going nowhere and no one cares how I'm feeling. No one would miss me.

    They say, don't kill yourself because people will miss you. Fuck, there isn't one person who will miss me. Oh, it will cause the people in your life pain. So? I hope it does. Fuck them.

    I went to a therapist to get some help, but in the second meeting he spent the entire time talking about himself. Asshole, I'm paying you to help me!

    I just don't care enough to keep fighting anymore. I have no energy.
  2. wastedmylife

    wastedmylife Well-Known Member

    why would you kill yourself over work, just quit

    and yea I have been to some shitty ass therapists to, who seem they like to chat more then listen, I guess after awhile they get bored of listening to people and they want a talk, but still they get like 100 freakin dollars an hour so its their job
  3. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    It isn't just work. It's work tapping that last nail, but the coffin's been build by the rest of the shit in my life. Just quiting won't help.
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry work is so overwhelming right now. Why was the push to finish the projects early. Can you talk to your boss and let them know it is an unreasonable request? Are you being paid for all the extra time you are putting in? A job is not worth your life. Please don't let the stress overwhelm you.
  5. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    There were 2 phases to the project. I was primarily working on the second phase stuff. The guy doing the first phase did his work in such a way that in order to complete his stuff, all of mine now has to go in at the same time. And his deadline is the absolute, can't be moved, deadline, mine was flexible. My boss knows that it's unreasonable, but we work for a company that's in pretty bad financial shape, so at this point most people do whatever they can just to keep their jobs. So, he's not going to rock too many boats, and if the deadlines are missed it'll be my problem.

    I'm not being paid for the extra time. I know this job isn't worth my life, but it IS my entire life right now. I have nothing else. So, I think I'm clinging to it like a life preserver.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Sounds like the other guy is passing the buck! You need to document all this so when the deadline hits and you haven't finished the project you have something to fall back on. You really shouldn't stress over this, you don't want to be there so why take in all this garbage?
    Can you go over your bosses head to someone else who will look at this as a impossible task. If you have to set up a meeting between you and him. bring in a mediater. You both need to be a little flexible. I don't know what else to say except don't let this drag you down... You obviously have other employers who are looking at your resume or they wouldn't bother contacting you. Go to the meetings and screw your boss you don't have to accept his crap. Take Care and Stay Strong!!!:chopper:!!!
  7. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    See, I have 2 things in my life that have kept me going. My job and my dog.

    My dog got sick a few weeks ago and I was near meltdown, as I didn't know how I'd be able to go on without her. She's better now. I had another dog a few years ago, but when he got so sick that I had to have him put to sleep, I was a wreak for months. They're the only companionship I have.

    The same thing with work. I've been here so long I can't imagine not. I want/need to leave for my sanity and my health, which is deteriorating lately. But maybe it's like being in an abusive relationship. You think your loyalty will make things better. That if I'm there for them, they'll be there for me. But I already know that never happens.

    I've worked long hours trying to help the people on my team do their work, but I rarely if ever get a thank you from them. And none of them ever ask how I'm doing or if I need any help.

    I think it's that I only have a job and a dog to keep me going, that's the problem. My company could layoff huge amounts of people at any time and my dog is getting older and she won't be around forever. Then what? My entire life goes away.

    That's why I was melting down last night. I'm not significantly better today, but my boss is at least trying to find a way to help. He's a decent guy, but like everyone in this company, he's in over his head and there's just too much to do. The company wants to keep from going bankrupt, but is abusing the employees to save themselves.

    Now I'm not even sure that I'll be able to take my own birthday off. Another crappy day of stress, anxiety and fear. Happy birthday to me. :sad:
  8. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I talked to my boss and he understands. I think.

    He's going to have the other guy pick up one of my remaining projects, so there's at least a few less things to worry about. He told me that he knows what it feels like to be tired and anxious and everything. Another guy I work with told me to do what I can to find work/life balance and that we'll figure it all out. I still get the feeling that everyone thinks this is my fault. Not sure how it could be, nothing I've done would demand the schedule change.

    I talked to a bunch of recruiters last night. They all seem to think I shouldn't have too much problem finding something else. Some of them even have openings that they think are slam dunks for someone with my background. That made me feel better. One of the openings would require me to move several hundred miles, but I'm excited to do that. I just need to get far away. This place would be a lot closer to family so that's also nice. I don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm still on the verge of a total meltdown and I need something to change soon.

    I'm taking Thursday off for my birthday. I'm trying to decide about just submitting my 2 week notice, even without another job lined up. That gives me 2 more weeks of money and chance to find something else, plus I could get out of there sooner and maybe on better terms than if I just quit. Don't know. I was feeling better but now I'm back down again. Not suicidal, but more "what's the point?" We'll see if there is a point.

    Thanks for reading everyone.
  9. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    Wow, it IS just never going to get better. I sent a note to my brother hoping for at least some small bit of support. Nope. "Hang in there." Yeah, fucking thanks.

    So, I've decided to not take my birthday off and just work more. Since no one thinks I deserve any support, I guess I don't. So, I'll just work on my birthday and have a terrible day and realize that no one does care.
  10. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    sometimes change, even from something you cant imagine living without can be just what the doctor ordered. i think you should take a new job. if you have nothing that you need to stay local for, take the long distance one and enjoy the change of scene, a chance to reinvent yourself and start new. loyalty to a company is often, in my experience, misplaced. i've never seen it pan out, they are in it for the almighty buck and if you get in the way of that goal most will not hesitate to oust you. loyalty is a huge burden on the giver, choose your recipients wisely.
    your dog for instance. loyalty is never wasted on a pet. it is always appreciated and recipricated. i know it may sound a bit heartless, but consider going to your local shelter with your dog and finding a new playmate. its not a replacement, though some may tell you it is. look at it as another loving family member. someone to keep your dog company while you work and someone to grieve with you when your other dog passes.
    i really hope things get better for you soon.
  11. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    Thank you, abyss!! You have no idea how much I appreciate just having someone say something nice. It's been a bad week and it seems like the longer it goes on, the less anyone cares. So, thank you!

    I have thought about getting another dog so both of us have more companionship. I'm having difficulty spending enough time with my pup and I know she's lonely too. I'm just finding it difficult to find a way out right now. The only way so far isn't appealing.

    I hope they get better soon too. Thanks again!
  12. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    my pleasure hun. i work at an animal shelter so i know the importance and value of animal companionship. i know there is someone out there right now waiting for someone just like you to give them a second chance at life, and maybe thats just what they'll give you in return. carve out some time, if not for you, then for them (your dog and the one that wants to be your dog) and get out there. there is never a regret when you make time to save a life, and for those of us on the edge, it usually does alot to save our own as well.
    take care and i'm here for you :)
  13. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I got my little girl and her brother before her, both from a rescue organization. I used to volunteer to walk their dogs who were in shelters waiting for homes.

    Thanks again!
  14. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    Looks like my boss is OK with me taking Thursday and Friday off and having the weekend like normal. So, 4 days off for me!

    I had a call with the business team who requested all these changes and one of their main people got laid off today. I don't think anyone is doing well at my company right now. Everyone is working too much and are panicking and stressed. I'm not alone! Whooo!

    I'm going to go walk my pup, get some sunshine and fresh air.
  15. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    Woot! good for you hun. take care.
  16. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    I can understand how you feel with work, my work got to me as well and I even made an attempt over it. I had a guy who takes drugs and has a lot of his own issues kept putting so much pressure on me and then I went off over stress for 3 days and when I got back they said if you can't do your job I will find someone who can and why can't you people get on. It was also the anniversary of my daughters death and my workplace knew because they were at the funeral.

    I also have dogs. I take them to obedience school which turns out to be a lot of fun as you meet heaps of other people and can do competitions etc with your dog. You learn more about your dog etc.
  17. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    I hear you downunder. I'm in a somewhat enviable position, in that because of the finances of the company and the work that needs to be done, they need me more than I need them. There is no hiring and the office I work in will likely be closed at the end of the year. But things just keep getting worse for everyone, not just me. I can hear the anxiety and stress on everyone's voice. I suspect the company is attempting to force people out, so they don't have the bad press of more layoffs. There once was about 500 of us in my office, now it's probably closer to 120, with more people leaving every week. There were some layoffs today that were probably small enough to stay out of the press.

    But I'm going to try to enjoy my 4 days off... if it kills me! :)
  18. odnox

    odnox Well-Known Member

    Well, looks like my 4 days off are off. More little things to deal with, so I'll be working probably all 4 days. My boss took the afternoon and the next 2 days off, so I've got no one to push back for me. Oh, well. I'm not important anyway.

    I really think this is it for me. I can't do this any more. I'm tired, I'm scared and I just want it to end.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 10, 2008
  19. abyss

    abyss Well-Known Member

    so give up and walk out of your job...not your life. i know taht is not the only problem, but it does seem to be a very destructive and suffocating element in your life. please try quitting the job before you opt to quit living. you are important and the world would be worse off without you.

    the company is tanking anyways from the sounds of it. why go down with the ship when you could make a run for it? please consider it.
  20. downunder

    downunder Well-Known Member

    You have probably already thought of this but "can't you just go sick?".
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