I'm not sure I can...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by lightbeam, Jun 11, 2012.

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  1. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    do this anymore. I've started to self-harm again because of the loss of my son, and it just hurts so much that I will never be able to see him again. He was such a good boy. He and I just barely bonded when he was torn out of my life by my exwife saying that I was going to kill her and our sons, and everyone in the house at the time.

    She never knew what happened to me, and only my second wife knows. They both have protective orders. They both feel I am a threat. That's fine. When my kids come of age, they will find me... only I will be 6 feet underground.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know it hurts, more than I can even begin to imagine. And it isn't fair that he was taken so young, or that you aren't able to see your kids. But I hope that when they do come of age, you'll still be around so they can make their own decisions about having a relationship with you.

    Here if there's anything I can do. :hug:
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I agree with wildcherry jason...I'm so sorry you lost your son and cant see your other kids...I too hope you stay around until their old enough to decide themselves if they want you in their lives.. :arms:
  4. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Dont go as as they grow old they will ask about you dont leave them wondering about you might not seem like it now but they will want to know and have you in thier lives.You know how it feels to loose a loved one this is what you need to build your strength around as the hurt goes yonder especially if you go without them having that chance to know you hang in there mate i know its hard but hey we here for you too please know that and please know they do and will need you trust me.Take care please hang in there
  5. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I can't even go to the private viewing with just my family. Too much risk of violating the protective order. This sucks. It's not fair.
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    I can relate to how you feel. When we lost my son, my mother said and did some very horrible things. I refused to talk to her after that - she should have been there for me in my grief for the loss of my child. Then, several months ago, my dad was laying in bed dying. I wanted to fly out and see him, since he was crying out for me. She would not allow it. He passed away without having his final wish; to see his son (me). I could not go to his services either. So you see, I can relate to you.

    If you have restraining or protective orders, she has a legitimate claim to keep you away... HOWEVER, you can petition the courts to allow you to attend the services (unless the order was over something extreme - you did state that both ex wives have protective orders?). I would definitely pursue this through proper channels and be persistent. A judge in the courts can create temporary exceptions in situations like this. Contact NAMI, if you're in the U.S., and see if they can recommend a court appointed advocate to assist you on the legal side of this for free, or based on a sliding scale fee.

    You have other children, correct? So do I. I have to put aside my grief and my anger to work hard to make their lives good. They're grown adults, but they'll always be kids to me. Focus on the remaining children and fine you own way to celebrate the life and memory of your lost child. Your other kids should be needing extra attention right now. Your other kids, by the way, may be instrumental in helping vouch on your behalf in regard to your attempt to get a temporary lift on the protective order(s) to get you through funeral and services.
  7. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    Thanks for your help, Austin. However, my dad and I will go to his grave after he is buried. It's just easier that way...
  8. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    That is good. The visit is really for yourself and for your own spirit and soul, so don't be put off by your ex and anything she could do that beats you down. You need to make peace with this and it is very sad (I know, having lost a son as well) and I feel greatly for you. Sometimes the best plan of attack is the one with the least resistance. Best wishes and thoughts to you in this hard time. Remember to grit those teeth and remain strong.
  9. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    She's evil... plain as that.
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