I'm not sure if I can deal with this anymore (wall of text)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Little_me, Jan 25, 2010.

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  1. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    I'll turn 18 next Monday and I'm hurting very much. My mood had been somewhat stable for a couple of months, but a few weeks ago it turned into hell again. So now I want to die... Again... Just as 2 years ago.

    I've already tried to make it clear to my parents that I don't want to continue struggling anymore, but they didn't pick it up like I would've liked to. My father reacted with anger when I tried to give him a hint, he yelled at me. "YOU DON'T". They'll probably not act until it's too late as they've always been overrating my strength. And now I want to protect my parents from this for some reason... It feels so wrong to put them through this.

    So now time has passed by somehow, and my birthday is a week away. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow and if I tell him exactly what's going on, they'll probably section me of something like that. I don't want to spend my birthday in psychiatric ward... Who would like to?

    So I feel totally hopeless. And reckless of death, I don't fear it anymore at any point. This morning I fantasized about being hit by the truck that passed by, but I let it be. The only thing that kept me from doing it was that I would'nt like to put the driver in such a situation.

    I'm so tired of struggling like this... Always putting that fake smile on my face, going to school, trying to socialize (...I hate that, and I fail in it too) no, this kind of life has nothing to bring me.
    My dream is to travel and meet my friends, to visit countries I haven't been to yet. I bet that would make me a little happier, but it's just too far away.
    Instead I'm here stuck in a country that makes me depressed, I'm asocial, close to failing in 3 classes and I have nothing to do to distract myself from this. Hobbies? No, lack of interest basically. I have no motivation or anything, anymore. I'm trying to stay online on Facebook, but it makes me even more depressed nowadays as most people there doesn't even care of me for real. It's only like a game, and I'm not up to that anymore.
    The only thing I find fun nowadays is spending a lot of money, soaking myself in new clothes and such. I've been shopping so much recently though, that my mother reacted on my consumption. So that's not an option anymore.

    My daily routine consists of waking up to the alarm "...go to hell..." getting out of bed, dressing and getting done, going to school, going home for lunch with my mother, going back to school again, catching the bus home, sitting with my laptop crying until it's bedtime again. I barely sleep at night, so I'm very sleepy in the morning when it's time to get up.

    Last week I got a panic attack at school. I left 'cause no one should see me cry.

    I don't give a flying fuck about my homework anymore. I simply have no motivation, nor strength. My grades have dropped as a stone and that, in turn, makes me feel even more failed. It's a downward spiral and I don't know how to stop it.
    I quit with my antidepressant (Zoloft) a few months ago, I don't remember for what reason though. My mother doesn't want me to start with it again, as quitting was quite a hell (well I do remember that, I was shaking constantly). So what should I do? I have absolutely no backup.
    As I'll be a legal adult within a week, I'll probably be put in adult p-ward if I tell my shrink the truth. It just feels like a dead end, it's unbearable. Today I cut for the first time since Oct. a few minor cuts but it bled a lot. I don't want to do more stupid things but I feel so reckless.

    I don't want to die, I just don't want to live like this anymore... I'm just fake! Fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 25, 2010
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Since the timing of your feeling crappy again came after stopping the anti-depressant why don't you try going back on it or another one if the Zoloft didn't quite give you enough help? Seems to be that you are suffering from classic clinical depression and like most of us here you suffer from a mental illness that needs to be treated, plain and simple. Did the doctor tell you to stop taking them or did you self diagnosis and treat which is never a good idea, but I am sure you have heard that lecture before so I will spare you the lecture on how illogical that move is.

    Why don't you go tell your doctor at least some of how you are feeling...whatever you said and did last time they decided you didn't need to go to the hospital and felt you would do will with an anti-depressant. If you truly want help and to feel better you have to be honest with the doctors as you are with us. One line I have used with pdoc that keeps you out of the hospital is "It is not so much that I want to die but I just don't want to keep feeling like this, I want to be a happy and am willing to work at it but just need some help on how to get there." See this lets them know the intensity of the feelings and i most likely true...you would rather live happy then die I am assuming.

    Is going back on the anti-depressants to help you out of the question? Did the doctor tell you to stop taking them?
    I would really like to hear back from you as I do care.

    Hugs Bambi
  3. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    I didn't want to stop taking my antidepressants at all, but my mother insisted. Perhaps she wants to keep believing that I'm better... And I feel guilty, I don't want to ruin everything.
    I've been treated medically by a p-doc for 2 years (well only IRL for a year, I kept contact with her mostly by phone last year) she prescribed me the medications, but now I'll be referred to another hospital as I'm "too old". That's rough, 'cause I liked the people (my second therapist in particular, she's the best that has happened to me in years) at the other place. So I've lost that backup as well...

    I still don't know what to do tomorrow. I feel so confused.
    Thanks for your help

    Edit: I should add that I've had clinical depression, social phobia, PTSD, panic attacks, ED unspecified (used to have anorexia) insomnia diagnosed.
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