im not sure of a good title

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by FBD, Jan 14, 2011.

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  1. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    anyways, ive been pretty down recently, like really down. suicidal yes, but im not at risk, as i wont try again until im positive itll work, and well its no guarantee.

    ive been super sensitive to every emotion i feel. if something bugs me a little bit, i find myself instantly thinking i should die, or i find myself completely filled with rage. sometimes i even feel good, really good, without the help of drugs, but it only lasts a minute or two. the good is kinda there, just in very small bursts and then its back to some level of low. not always a suicidal level, but a low where i get the thoughts, the "you are stupid" "you are worthless" stuff, and its always a "you are _______" sometimes theres an agreeing thought with an "i am worthless" kinda thing, but always the you thought first. it makes me feel like im right, theres 2 pronouns used, 2 thats like 2 people telling me the same thing, improving the chances of it being correct.

    ive been drinking and smoking every day, im out of green right now and im slightly panicky, i need to get more asap, which wont be til tomorrow if im lucky. that means when i get home from work i cant relax. its bad but green is the one thing that can always turn my brain off, and thats why i love it. when i take a few hits my mind just slows down, i can feel normal. im not saying my minds going crazy cause im smart or something, but because it stops my racing thoughts. the thoughts that build the negativity, the initial im not good enough that fuels the fire. the thought that makes me keep going until i want to end it.

    while im working i look around the store for materials i could use. i see bottles i wonder what it would do to me. i wonder what combination would work, but i know theres no guarantee

    im so alone, i really am. i guess i have friends, but truth is, i think they stick around because they feel bad leaving me. i mean who wants to hurt the depressed girl. i never get responses from people, i never get to really talk to people. i get fake interactions at work, that make me feel like im missing out on being social, on seeing and interacting with people face to face. but when i ask people to hang out, i get no response or an im sorry. im just alone. i mean i like being alone sometimes, but itd be nice to be able to see someone and have a normal conversation. i have to censor a lot of what i say because the normal "id rather die" jokes and figures of speech are always taken seriously. i cant just sit and relax and chill with someone i always have to be on my toes.

    i just want to be good enough. good enough to have friends that wanna see me, good enough that i dont hate myself, good enough to stop the racing thoughts, just good enough. good enough to find a good way to end it maybe, i cant fail at that again, ive failed enough in my life, on attempts and in general. i cant keep being a failure like this.

    sorry i just had to say something, and in the process im not sure i said anything
  2. FBD

    FBD Well-Known Member

    Ugh sorry I think I managed to make this unreaspondable...I don't know why I always do this...maybe there's nothing wrong and nothing to respond to. Maybe I do this so I don't get responses so I can tell myself there's nothing wrong maybe I don't deserve responses or help or whatever I don't know

    Sorry :i'm sorry: :(
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi i can understand why your emotions are all over the place using substances will only make you more unstable calming you one minute then with alcohol depression weed nonmotivational You need to get help to stop all this crap okay get help to use positve coping skills You need a better friend then the substances you use for company. Get in to detox get yourself clean and start on a new path okay a path that will bring you friendship and more joy and peace and happiness hugs.
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