I'm not sure what I can do (may trigger?)

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Sakar, Feb 28, 2013.

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  1. Sakar

    Sakar New Member

    This is my first post, I guess im not really dure what to put. I guess i will start with the basics, Im 19 and was diagnosed with social anxiety and unstable emotional personality disorder... it makes it hard to tell which is effecting me when as they react to each other making me already worse. I used to have what i call "breakdowns" but more close to panic attacks every few months... but i would only have the one or two of them and then it would be a few months and it would build up again. round about june last year i started having actual panic attacks when i went out on my own... i had to drop out of college because even though i was fine whilst in college, i would have panic attacks on the bus to and from college which would turn ugly because im trying my hardest to hide it from everyone else on the bus because i cant deal with the idea of anyone seeing me so vulnerable or how they would judge me. so i spent the next few months satying at home and only going out accompanied by people i trust, my best friends and my mom and brother... i had to rely on 5 people in order to get out and about but they are all busy alot of the time. so in november (2012) I tried again to go to college... a different one this time with people who didnt know me, it made it easier in a sense because i didnt have the odd Jack A** taking the micky for fun. but i started getting worse pretty fast, on the way to college i would sit with only person i new a little to try and give me comfort and try and block out the people around me by constantly looking out the window of the bus or closing my eyes and listening to loud music that wasnt soppy to try and not trigger a reaction out of me... it worked for a few days barly but then it was getting to much... i had to physically walk of campus (which is in the middle of the country side) and be alone away form eveyone to try and cope but i was still getting panic attacks during break and lunch. i last about 2 and half weeks at college before quiting. at the begining of december i started having my breakdowns fast sudden and with no warning. after the first 3 i started noticing there was something off. i started having them everyday somtimes more then once in a day, i dealt with them the best i could but it was the really bad ones that knocked flying. i knew when they would be bad i could feel them build up for a few days and then the feeling would go for a few hours and then bam! full bklown in my face. they are the worst because i always endup trying to take my life but quite able because theres a litlle bit of fear that holds me back. to this day im still having them often, people are trying to tell me that they are helping but alone dosent cover how i feel. i started self harming in december it helps alot... it helps stops the breakdowns and ive started to enjoy seeing the blood to the point im smiling half and hour later after ive done it because im haveing a high from it. but im getting worse again My friendships are crumbleing i was open with my family and friends about my condition, about my self harm and they started getting so worried they avoid the subject and my bestfriend avoids me alot now... its crushing me because no matter how hard i try she just keeps pushing me away. theres no way to explain me and my bestfriends relationship properly but shes means everything to me and if i lose her it will ends me. i need to stop talking about her now its making me crumble at the edges just thinking about it. both my legs are bandaged up because ive had the worse kind of breakdowns in the last few days. I hate how I let them in and they push me away. sorry if this is long i just really needed to vent and the worse part is that i dont even know if ill have the courage to click the button to post this.
  2. Sakar

    Sakar New Member

    Sorry for mistakes and poor grammer, I found it hard to write that with my head swimming.
  3. scarlettdrknss

    scarlettdrknss Well-Known Member

    It is very hard. Alone trying to help someone with mental issues is hard because people simply don't know what to do to help. Especially the self harming though. I have been self harming for about 5 years now. My parents know, my best friend knows, a few other friends know and tomorrow the whole school will find out. People don't like facing anyone suffering from self harm though. They don't understand how pain can make you feel better. They don't understand that one can't just stop self harm (because it is in fact addictive, which is why I'd advise to stop while you're not as into it yet). They are afraid and worried and confused and it overwhelms them so they usually just ignore it. I've also been yelled at a lot of times for it. People forget that as much as self harm affects them, it is affecting us much more.
    I don't know if you are getting professional help for those panic attacks, or not. But even though I know nothing about them, I would say getting some would be better. It would be good for you self harm issues to.
    I think self harm is an awful thing, although I can't stop doing it myself, because living beings have the instinct to fight for life and stay out of harm's way. When that instinct doesn't work, things can turn ugly. The problem with self harm, aside from one getting addicted is that just like all other addictions, it asks for more. First, it's just a scratch, before you know it, you have gashes that don't heal for weeks. And it just gets more and more. You are open about your self harm, which is good in a way. Self harm can affect the way you dress, how you move, what activities you engage in amongst other things.
    There are a lot of different ways to distract oneself from self harm or try to fight it.
    Best of wishes ~
  4. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am so sorry this is happening to you. I think that what scarlettdrkness said was so well put. The points she made are right on,as far as I am concerned. Are you in counselling now? On any meds that might help?

    About the siing, its, in the moment a way to release the pain. But thats in the moment. And it increasingly beccomes a driving addition and need as it becomes more intrenched. As with all forms of self medication that can become powerful additions, its really best to find a way to not do it toward the beginning. Because it becomes intensly powerful as time goes on.

    I honestly cannot say things any better than scarlettdrkness, but I wanted to pretty much second what she wrote. Please keep posting here. If it feels good to do, make this your community ( if you would like, for as long as you would like). Where you know you can come and be honest about whats going on ( when you want to be). Find people who are dealing with similar stuff. And I do hope you can find some therapy and medication that will help some. You deserve that.
  5. Sakar

    Sakar New Member

    Thank you both for the support, I am having couselling but its not helping much as i find it hard to word it right and well because i find comfort in the idea of being... well gone. I'm not religous so my idea is when your gone thats it... nothingness which is what I want but of course the fear is not know for certain. I'm on 100mg of mood stabalizers I can't remember the name just that it begins with Q, there only taking a bit of the edge off but I Don't want to go on anything higher as I always have side effects strongly for at least a month when they up the dosage as it makes me really light headed and dizzy to the point i think im going to pass out. And this may sound strange but I Don't want to stop self harming, and I'm already permantly scarred. I already accept that it means i wont be able to wear less clothing or do as many activites like going to a swimming pool (or at least a communitie one). P.s im pretty sure Its ok what I have typed but if not let me know which bit and ill edit it out (and thats my social anxiety kicking in... I cant help but care what other peoples opinions of me are.
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