This is my first post, I guess im not really dure what to put. I guess i will start with the basics, Im 19 and was diagnosed with social anxiety and unstable emotional personality disorder... it makes it hard to tell which is effecting me when as they react to each other making me already worse. I used to have what i call "breakdowns" but more close to panic attacks every few months... but i would only have the one or two of them and then it would be a few months and it would build up again. round about june last year i started having actual panic attacks when i went out on my own... i had to drop out of college because even though i was fine whilst in college, i would have panic attacks on the bus to and from college which would turn ugly because im trying my hardest to hide it from everyone else on the bus because i cant deal with the idea of anyone seeing me so vulnerable or how they would judge me. so i spent the next few months satying at home and only going out accompanied by people i trust, my best friends and my mom and brother... i had to rely on 5 people in order to get out and about but they are all busy alot of the time. so in november (2012) I tried again to go to college... a different one this time with people who didnt know me, it made it easier in a sense because i didnt have the odd Jack A** taking the micky for fun. but i started getting worse pretty fast, on the way to college i would sit with only person i new a little to try and give me comfort and try and block out the people around me by constantly looking out the window of the bus or closing my eyes and listening to loud music that wasnt soppy to try and not trigger a reaction out of me... it worked for a few days barly but then it was getting to much... i had to physically walk of campus (which is in the middle of the country side) and be alone away form eveyone to try and cope but i was still getting panic attacks during break and lunch. i last about 2 and half weeks at college before quiting. at the begining of december i started having my breakdowns fast sudden and with no warning. after the first 3 i started noticing there was something off. i started having them everyday somtimes more then once in a day, i dealt with them the best i could but it was the really bad ones that knocked flying. i knew when they would be bad i could feel them build up for a few days and then the feeling would go for a few hours and then bam! full bklown in my face. they are the worst because i always endup trying to take my life but quite able because theres a litlle bit of fear that holds me back. to this day im still having them often, people are trying to tell me that they are helping but alone dosent cover how i feel. i started self harming in december it helps alot... it helps stops the breakdowns and ive started to enjoy seeing the blood to the point im smiling half and hour later after ive done it because im haveing a high from it. but im getting worse again My friendships are crumbleing i was open with my family and friends about my condition, about my self harm and they started getting so worried they avoid the subject and my bestfriend avoids me alot now... its crushing me because no matter how hard i try she just keeps pushing me away. theres no way to explain me and my bestfriends relationship properly but shes means everything to me and if i lose her it will ends me. i need to stop talking about her now its making me crumble at the edges just thinking about it. both my legs are bandaged up because ive had the worse kind of breakdowns in the last few days. I hate how I let them in and they push me away. sorry if this is long i just really needed to vent and the worse part is that i dont even know if ill have the courage to click the button to post this.