I'm not sure what to think right now

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Chaosut27, Apr 17, 2012.

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  1. Chaosut27

    Chaosut27 New Member

    I've already made a thread previously about being a shut in, and although my problems are still the same I'm finding myself at a very difficult point in my life. About three hours ago I was sure that I was going to end my life, I had everything prepared; a method, notes etc. I would need to explain my problems and history in great detail for anyone to really get a sense of how I could come to this point, but I don't want to waste anybody's time. Basically I have depression and severe social anxiety about my physical appearance, and I've found it impossible to enjoy myself any moment when I'm outside of my home. Anyway, i've been working myself up to it for quite some time now and I presumed that i've have the strength to do it. But I found myself getting hung up on the possibility of 'nothingness' or 'eternal oblivion' after death, and as pointless and illogical as it is I still found myself completely overwhelmed with fear. I've been a shut in for four years and nothing has really changed, especially given that my problems are mostly physical in nature, but I'm completely stuck after I didn't have the strength to bring my life to an end. The desire was definitely there, but I suppose my survival instincts were kicking in. Now I'm still alive, empty, hopeless, lonely and depressed and I just can't hold down any reasonable thoughts. I had everything prepared so well to go, and I'd destroyed my illusions of grandeur and accepted that I am and have been pointless. Once again i'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I don't think that it's re-assurance. These last four years have been tough on me, and I'm still without a job or study. Every time I have to go outside I can see other people staring and judging me as a freak, and nothing in the last four years (which is how long i've been a shut in) should leave me to believe that things will change or improve. I don't even know why i'm typing this message, and I know that killing myself was the practical choice. But I passed up the practical choice in favor of trivial impulses and innate survival instincts and here I am...
  2. spidy

    spidy Well-Known Member

    Very glad you changed your mind.Things do get very tense at times.Fours years is a long time to have shut yourself in so you will have alot of work to do i too suffer anxiety yet im taking the baby steps to over come it.Do you have somebody you really trust ie counciller family member friend that can take you out for 1hr or 2.Even if its a walk somewhere where no ppl are for now.As i said you will have to take baby steps as your anxiety is prob real bad now.Its good youve posted here that was a good step.just try to make some small goals each day nothing to big so you can get some confidence back and if you havnt got help seek some as you have got some work to do and wont be easy on your own.Good luck and please take care and please reach out for some help and seek it here too.
  3. Thomas33

    Thomas33 Member

    Survival instincts are a b-tch aren't they? Before I made my decision on how I want to go, I googled every failure attempt on every way that people have tried, the lowest percent was sheer bad luck - people walking in on them, not enough preperation etc... but the most percentage is when the bodies instinct to survive kicks in and stops them, or worse, turns them into a vegetable.
    I was bullied and kicked the crap out of nearly everyday up until I was 16, then after leaving school I got a job and made some great friends but then I found out that they wern't exactly my friends, they used everything they could to hurt me, my looks, my family, the way I say things stupidly.
    I'm only recounting what I went through, even though I know its no where even as bad as yours, I still feel a tiny bit of what you are going through.
    What you have to do, as messed up and stupid as it sounds, you have to make this turn into something that makes you stronger.
    So what if people stare at you? Stare at them back!! look them right in the eyes and I guarentee they will turn away in shame, If they don't like it, tough! its their fault for staring in the first place!
    AT the end of the end, even though we are humans - we still have the basic animal principals, so if you walk with confidence, with pride, no matter what differnces you have, people won't see "the freak", they will see a confident person, a happy strong person.
    It will be hard, but I guarentee you will see the difference, this is from experience buddy.
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