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i'm not sure

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i don't know why things are so bad today.

this last week has been really tough. i have a history of self-injury, and made a serious cut on my arm a week ago after several months without a cut. not a good sign. i quit my job (by not showing up anymore....). i'm completely neglecting my ever-accumulating school work. oh, and i'm bulimic. i'm also diagnosed with major depressive disorder, social phobia, and avoidant personality disorder. it's a lovely combo.

things have sort of been spiraling out of control for a while now. i've been on an SSRI. it's helping, i think, at least with the eating disorder stuff, i'm not so sure it's helping my mood. i'm still as suicidal as ever. i spend hours a day reading about suicide, investigating methods, obtaining supplies, writing suicide notes, planning it out.

this pain is getting worse every day.

today i tried to break my hand. it didn't work, i just mangled it quite a bit. no serious damage (my hand is apparently stronger than i thought), but some nasty bruising. i wanted to have to go to the emergency room. somehow that seemed like the answer.

i did a bunch of psychological testing recently and the guy told me he was very worried because my results are consistent with people who commit suicide.

i'm so mad that i have to be here still. i don't want to be. i'm tired of this. this has been my whole life, pain and suffering. not situationally; my life has been circumstantially just peachy. it's from inside me. the problem is me, not the world, i know that. my life sucks because i am broken. it's been too long like this, i started out this way. to me that means that it's unlikely to change. and that's sad. but supports suicide as the appropriate course of action.
please someone say something to me. even if it's just that you read my post. that's enough. i just want someone to have heard me. it's quite lonely in my world.
I'm just browsing this forum for research for a paper I'm working on, but since no one's replied yet...

I've never been in a situation like yours before, but I hope you get better. Our world can be wonderful sometimes and awful other times. I hope you find the strength to keep your head up and keep moving on.
what is your research paper about? i am supposed to be writing a research paper right now on the correlation between physical punishment and conduct disorders in children.
I'm writing a paper about clinical depression for my psychology class. It's sort of a difficult topic to write about, since I've never really been seriously depressed before and the only things I can really write are anecdotes and scientific stuff. I don't think I'll complain about anything ever again, after reading all these stories.
just because someone else is suffering worse doesn't mean that your suffering isn't real pain.

perspective is important, but i think all pain is real pain and there's no point in claiming that just because your pain isn't the worst that it isn't worth anything. that would mean that there is only one person in the whole world who is worthy of sympathy.

i've got a lot of experience with clinical depression both personally - as it's obviously been a big part of my life since i was nine and attempted suicide for the first time - and academically - as i'm a psych major and like to study this shit. so let me know if there's anything i can do to help you out.
You're right about the perspective. I think what I get from reading these is just catharsis. It's just like seeing Oedipus Rex or something.

My paper is specifically about how clinical depression affects people's lives. I'm browsing this forum to see how real people are affected. I've already read about a hundred different stories from periodicals and books, but this forum just feels more real than articles do. There's a huge difference between someone talking about their depression as a thing of the past and basically just listing all of the symptoms, and actually seeing people vent themselves on here. I'm almost amazed that annonymous internet posts can get down to such a personal level.
you know, i'm always surprised by the honesty online too. for me i think it's because i spend so much of my life not talking about how i feel and hiding what's going on with me that it's nice to just say it for once and be heard by people who understand. that's hard to find in real life.

the other thing that makes these type of posts different from books or periodicals is that these aren't written to educate others or for some sort of secondary purpose. these are just written for the person themselves. it's different trying to express what you're going through for yourself or in order to explain it to someone who's never experienced depression.
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