i don't know why things are so bad today. this last week has been really tough. i have a history of self-injury, and made a serious cut on my arm a week ago after several months without a cut. not a good sign. i quit my job (by not showing up anymore....). i'm completely neglecting my ever-accumulating school work. oh, and i'm bulimic. i'm also diagnosed with major depressive disorder, social phobia, and avoidant personality disorder. it's a lovely combo. things have sort of been spiraling out of control for a while now. i've been on an SSRI. it's helping, i think, at least with the eating disorder stuff, i'm not so sure it's helping my mood. i'm still as suicidal as ever. i spend hours a day reading about suicide, investigating methods, obtaining supplies, writing suicide notes, planning it out. this pain is getting worse every day. today i tried to break my hand. it didn't work, i just mangled it quite a bit. no serious damage (my hand is apparently stronger than i thought), but some nasty bruising. i wanted to have to go to the emergency room. somehow that seemed like the answer. i did a bunch of psychological testing recently and the guy told me he was very worried because my results are consistent with people who commit suicide. i'm so mad that i have to be here still. i don't want to be. i'm tired of this. this has been my whole life, pain and suffering. not situationally; my life has been circumstantially just peachy. it's from inside me. the problem is me, not the world, i know that. my life sucks because i am broken. it's been too long like this, i started out this way. to me that means that it's unlikely to change. and that's sad. but supports suicide as the appropriate course of action.