I'm not the only one who thinks I should kill myself.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cheese, Aug 15, 2006.

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  1. cheese

    cheese Member

    I'm had a bad night tonight. It's over, but I can't get somethings out of my head. In a previous post I've mentioned both my extreme hatred for my job, and my uncertainty about telling my boyfriend about my suicidal urges. Apologies in advance as this will most likely run long. Please bear with me as a lot of it is pertinent background information about why I'm so bitter and angry.

    My boyfriend has this horribly shitty friend he's been close with off and on for about 15 years. The guy is a complete user, taking advantage of anyone he possibly can. About a year and a half ago, when he and his wife split up he asked us to move in with him and his girlfriend. Since he rarely keeps a job, and frequently neglects to pay his bills I thought it was a horrible idea. This is not a young kid, but a 30-something that refuses to hold down a job for more than a week or so. The girlfriend moved from Canada to the U.S. illegally, but was supposed to work on getting a visa or something so she could work. I didn't want to do it, but my boyfriend is really good hearted (even when it puts us at a disadvantage) plus we were trying to save money for a house and thought paying 1/2 of what we were paying would help a lot. Against my better judgement I did it.

    After moving in my life became a nightmare. I don't much care for children, but was aware when we moved in that his would be there on weekends. After moving it we found out that they'd be there 4-5 days a week. They treated my dog like a piece of garbage and expected her to be kept in our bedroom or my office all day. I'm not talking like during meals or when we weren't home, but AT ALL TIMES. My dog is very important to me. She can tell when I'm hurt better than any human I've ever met, loves me completely unconditionally, and I feel I owe her at least the respect of a decent life with love and companionship. She deserves far more than to be locked into a room by herself. I paid extra to have the third bedroom as an office, locked it and they broke in all the time. Once inside, they fucked up my computer (which I use for a side business/learning tool), ate our food (which was in a separate fridge in my office to prevent that) and stole $140 (which I was saving for my boyfriend and I to do something nice for our anniversary) out of my purse. I was angry all of the time, which lead to fights between my boyfriend and I. I'd get angry, and my boyfriend would defend the guy endlessly.

    About a month into this awful situation my boyfriend's mother had an emergency hysterectomy gone awry. She very easily could have died, and we had to be at the hospital. His workplace at the time told him if he wasn't there for his shift he would be fired. We decided the job wasn't worth it, and we wanted to be in the hospital with his mom. (It was a good choice--she was in the hospital for two months, over half of which was in an induced coma.) Unfortunately, at that time there weren't any jobs available. He put in application after application, but no calls.

    Without him working that meant we were incapable of moving as we'd begun talking about. Not only that, but I was the only person in the entire house with a job. Despite the fact that I loathed my job I went and worked it 50+ hours a week to make OUR ends meet. The other couple always seemed have their bills paid, telling us her parents were sending money from Canada. Three months later we got an eviction notice. We weren't on the lease, so it didn't affect our rental credit, but I was infuriated that they had pocketed 3 months rent that I busted my ass for, doing something I detested doing. I went with out while they played video games, went to dinner, she bought expensive high quality skincare products--the works. My boyfriend and I were barely scraping buy, and we certainly couldn't afford any extras that we were accustomed to. On top of that, now we had to bust ass to save for a security deposit/first month rent for a new place, plus find one that would accept my cat and large dog.

    My boyfriend got a decent job at the last minute, and we got out. The whole time I wasn't angry with him, as being a couple is giving and taking, and he's given plenty of times where my needs are concerned. I didn't mind taking a turn footing the bill at all, and as long as he saw what it did to us and learned something I wasn't angry with him over the bad decision to move in with his friend. We both shared the same anger with the other couple, and he swore them off. We got a great house, and not long ago, when the landlord decided to sell it, we bought it.

    The other couple ended up getting evicted from the place they moved into and ended up moving in with another friend of his. He and the guy have begun talking again. That's his business, and right to be friends with whoever he chooses, but I can't, nor do I want to forgive them. I've asked him not to mention the guy in front of me or bring him to our home. Not only did he steal from me and lie to us, but he did it when we were down ourselves. As far as I'm concerned neither he or his girlfriend (who's still illegally here) are worth the dirt on my ugliest pair of shoes. I do understand that my boyfriend has forgiven him, and we decided it best not to be spoken of.

    So tonight my boyfriend and I were at dinner, and he started talking about how he's proud that the guy has decided to pay his child support, and he feels bad to see how hard the guy has it, and how much he's going without to do so. I said, "So what? He's taking care of his children...does he want a parade or something? Good for him for doing what decent parents do without presenting themselves as martyrs." My boyfriend started defending him with, "You don't know what it's like to be in his position. He doesn't have it to give." I pointed out that the reason I don't know is because no matter how depressing my job is, I go in and do it, as many hours as I have to to meet our needs. So then my boyfriend said, "Yeah, I do too." I said, "I never said you didn't. That's why you're not trash like that piece of shit." From there it exploded.

    In five years my boyfriend has never once called me a name, but all of a sudden he started calling me a dirty, trashy, black-hearted bitch. Then he told me hoped I'd die. I said, "Well who knows, maybe you'll get your wish," and he said , "Good, I hope you slit your wrists right here."

    He's never said anything like that to me. It was an abusive action, but this is far from an abusive relationship. We talked about it, and he said he really just wanted to hurt me the way it hurt him to hear me degrade his friend like that. First of all if he would not bring his friend up to me like I asked nicely before he wouldn't ever have to hear how I feel about the guy. Secondly, I'd say that about anyone who thinks they're doing something extraordinary by fulfilling his/her responsibilty to his/her children. Third, I don't understand why all of a sudden he'd want to hurt me that badly. Sure I was immature and pushed it too far, but what he did was uncalled for too.

    Anyway, I can't get it out of my mind that he wants me to commit suicide. Even though he says he didn't mean it, maybe he did. After all, sometimes I love myself, but that doesn't mean I don't sometimes think I should be dead. Also, this makes me really not want to tell him that sometimes I'd really like to kill myself. Partly fear, partly pride. Don't get me wrong, if there's an ideal time to broach the subject, this is it, but I can't. I sort of wish he'd just left so I could have killed myself. I forgive him, but perhaps he's right. Also, I want to kill myself on a regular basis so I don't know why it bothers me that he wants it too. Or why I'm surprised for that matter.

    I took a shower and though long and hard about doing it, but instead I just beat this shit out of myself. I like to do that because outside of the occaisional and easily explained bruise, there isn't any visible evidence. Plus I know that I can hurt myself more than anyone else can hurt me.

    I don't know what to think, but I'm thinking it anyway. I'm in a pretty fucked up place this morning. Thanks for reading this. It's a comfort just to have a place to get this out where someone will understand.
     
  2. kath

    kath Well-Known Member

    Hi

    i want to say welcome to the forum [im not sure that we have met before.]im glad you found us and i hope you find some friendship and support here.There are some really nice people here and i hope you will feel able to lean on us as you go through this.

    It seems that you have been through an awful lot.i read your post and heard the pain in the words.i read every word and heard what you had to say.i think you wrrote it out and explained your sitatuion very well especially given its complexness.

    im sorry this guy/couple treated you badly.i always find it sad when people do that especially when they do it to somebody who is simply trying to help them out and be kind hearted in the first place which it seems in part was what you were doing by moving in there with them in hte first place.i understand you being angry with the guy.i think i would feel extreme anger too.i think its good that it seems you and your partner were trying to respect each others feelings on the subject now that you are living elsewhere and that he seems to have different feelings for this person than you do.Ie he is forgiving him and you or not.i dont htink either of you are right or wrong in making the decisions you made cos there simply is not a right or wrong.i think it will be tough but as you say maybe you and he will have an agreement that you wont talk about this person/issue and your partner needs to accept that you have made a choice and he has made a choice and should their be consequences to either choice ie if their relationship goes wrong again [which i hope it doesnt] then he will have to deal with that as an individualjust like if one day you see that maybe you could or wish for whatever strange reason [depending on what happens] that you lost out by not trying again to enter into a relationship again with this guy then you will have to deal with that.i dont think this is making sense sorry.But i think what im trying to say is we all make differing choices in life,we can only make the ones we think best or most suitable at the time and then we all have to deal with the effects and consequences of those decisions be they postitive or negative.Sorry i was going off on a tangent a bit here.But if your boyfriend is determined to be friends with this guy maybe as i said above this is one place where as youve already thought about [it seems] perhaps you can agree ot disagree and make it a subject you simply dont discuss and a friendship of your boyfriends you simply arent involved with.

    As for what your guy said to you about suicide and slitting your wrists i know how much those kind of comments can hurt whether said once in anger or repeatedly as it was to me.But tey to accept it was probably said in anger.Maybe you could explian to him how much it hurt you perhaps?Sometimes people need these things pointing out.

    If you want to talk more on this post please do so and also feel free to PM [private message] me or contact me however anytime you want/need a friend.i want to be here for you,i hope writing this all out has helped you somehwat and i think it waas very brave of you.Well done!!

    How are you doing now?

    Take care
    kath
     
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