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I'm not very good at asking for help, but...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BrokenIcarus, May 10, 2007.

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  1. BrokenIcarus

    BrokenIcarus Member

    Over 10 years ago, I tried suicide - I stuck a gun in my mouth and pulled the trigger. To this day, no one knows why it didn't go off.

    I have thought about it often since then...sometimes seriously planning...other times more just fleetingly...

    I have been in counseling, therapy, whatever you want to call it since I escaped from my violent husband over 3 years ago...

    And the counselors know...knew...about my "tendencies", in a vague way, but we never talked about it...the most they would say was "Do you need to be in a hospital right now?"

    How do you explain that no...I don't want or need to be in a hospital...it would just make matters worse...

    For obvious reasons, I don't trust easily...and asking for help straight out is definitely not my strong point...so a hospital with strangers...being pawned off on people I don't know...I just couldn't take it...

    In the past year, all of the counselors and people I have trusted have moved on with their lives in directions that make our schedules not fit...one retired, one changed positions...one changed jobs completely...one quit and moved far away...

    Last week, the last person I felt I could talk to changed her schedule around, due to mandates from the adminstration...and now, because of my work hours we can't do counseling.

    The really crappy part is - I had just decided to ask her to help me with the way I was feeling. I wrote her a letter (I am a writer and much better with words on paper that in person) telling her how I was feeling very point blank, and asking if she would help me talk it through, if she would help me figure out another way to get through how I was feeling...I guess, just asking her to care and talk with me...but before I could give it to her, she dropped the bomb that her schedule was changing...

    I feel like I can't tell her now...it will seem like I am manipulating her, or looking for attention...I don't think I could take that door slamming in my face...

    The problem is...I am not a religiou person, normally. But I have actually been praying for a number of months actually, for a sign or something to tell me if I was making the right choice, if I really should go through with it and just...end? But I wrote that letter, thinking I would give it one more shot...I am holding on so loosely, by such a thin and little thread...

    And then, before I could ask for the help...my last chance seemed to slip away. Is that my sign?

    I just don't know what to do...I actually have one last appointment with her in 2 weeks...

    Does anyone have any suggestions? Do I tell her? Or do I keep my mouth shut? Was it a sign? Or am I just being my usual stupid self? Am I really as alone as I feel?

    Last edited by a moderator: May 10, 2007
  2. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    Tell her, if she can't help you then she can find someone who can. I know its hard to open up to people, especially considering your past. I didn't want to tell anyone that I was depressed until I tried to crash my car into a cliff, when I hit the rumble strips was the scariest moment of my life. Not because I was afraid of death, but I was afraid of living in a worse condition. I decided then that I couldn't live like that anymore.

    Choose to give the letter, it will be hard, but you've gone through worse an you can do this.
  3. Dr Death

    Dr Death New Member

    I can only answer this from my perspective, and some here may disagree, but yes, you are as alone as you feel. So am I. When situations happen that place people like you and me in our respective scenarios, there really is nobody who can understand or even comprehend.

    The few people that I trust say the right things, but you can tell, or I can anyway, that they are doing what they think they need to do, or what they think will make me feel better.

    I laugh at times when I think of my visits to my 'doctor.' His answers for things are so... well, you can tell that he's doing exactly what he was schooled to do. Where's the passion? Where's the deep down, in the gut and from the heart, concern or care?

    One year ago I was in the hospital from the end of March through the middle of April. My time there was enough to drive anyone mad. Insensitive doctors, under trained staff and being made to feel like a worthless and totally useless person because of shit that other people have done to me.

    You've heard the saying how people learn to be criminals after going to jail? Well, I learned about suicide and the thoughts of actually doing it hit new heights after being hospitalized. Before that there was one time in my life where I thought about it, but knew... deep down, I wouldn't. Since my stay at the hospital... that has all changed.

    It's a sad testament that the health care in this world is so pathetic. It's sad that all the people in place to help you just vanished.

    Society, as a whole, doesn't care about people who end up where we are at. They don't teach compassion in school. Most people don't know how to just be compassionate. Which does you and anybody else here absolutely no good.

    My advice; keep your appointment in two weeks and then unload. Let this doctor know how you feel betrayed and that you deserve better. You are a human being who has been placed in a very traumatic situation. It is not your fault. I am certain you would choose a different path if given the choice. But you don't have that choice, and since you don't, at least the damn so-called professionals can be there for you at all times.

    Know this; I do understand because I have been, and am currently in, a situation not unlike yours. I can't understand your situation exactly, but certain parts I do. If you want you can PM me... maybe we'll both gain a new friend.
  4. kirstyclive

    kirstyclive Guest

    you are only alone if you dont share what you are going through, youve told us here so thats a start and you are certainly not alone, the next thing to do is to inform your counsellor of how you feel, even if she's leaving she'll be able to offer a little help and point you in the right direction for long term help. please dont give up, just keep trying please.

    your friend

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