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im not very good at these

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Joshuwa, Dec 4, 2010.

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  1. Joshuwa

    Joshuwa Well-Known Member

    Im Josh, 19 from England

    im not great at things like this so ill really just type it all out and if it doesnt make sense then i apologize

    im not going to bore you to death with my life story, ill just get to the point

    i love my mother more than anything in the world, but my existence has just become a burden on her life. it makes her miserable that she has to look after me like a child because im just so incapable of surviving alone.

    everytime she finds some form of happiness i come along and just screw it up for her, completely unintentionally but thats what makes it so horrible, knowing that im not trying to do it but i just cant stop doing it.

    over the last few months ive just about reached the end of my tether. why should someone i love so much have to be so miserable because of what i cant help being? i havent had the guts to actually take my own life, but ive indirectly been working on it, eating unhealthily, smoking, drinking, little exercise etc. all in hopes that one day i'd fall asleep and not wake up.
    however its getting to a point where it feels to me as if the quicker im gone, the better my family's lives would be

    so thats me and thats my life
  2. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    hey josh welcome to sf youll find alot of people here going through the same things so i hope you find some strength from people here
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Welcome JOsh hope you are getting some help for you okay then you will get feeling better Your mom loves you you are not a burden
  4. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    hiya Josh! welcome to sf, I hope you can find the support you need. Im here if you want to chat
  5. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Hi Josh. You are the same age as someone in my family who took his own life aged 19. That was 7 years ago and we are all still in mourning and his mum is still devastated. I'm sure your mum would rather struggle with her relationship with you while you are alive than grieve over you. So stop with the slow killing - a healthy lifestyle will lift your mood. Please look after yourself. X
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hello Josh~welcome to the community, :welcome:
  7. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Josh- I too struggled with these feelings of being a burden to my family, and they are so untrue! Now that I am a mother, I know that there is nothing that my child could do to me to become a burden. A mothers bond is something strong and reliable. I would discuss everything with your mother, and allow her to express her true feelings. Right now you are doing a lot of assuming, and this can lead to misunderstandings. Communication is the key! Always communicate and express what you think, and feel especially if you love someone. They should have a right to either confirm or deny your assumptions. I also know it would please your mother if you did open up to her. You are her child! She held you and kissed you as a baby, and she was always there for you while she watched you mature to where you are now. She is still here for you! Do not shut her out! Let her in. You both will be happier from it. My heart goes out to you! :hug:
  8. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    As far as the unhealthy lifestyle goes, I can relate. When you are suffering internally it shows externally. A lot of people tend to focus on the outside, but they find out the hard way that the inside is what really deserves their attention. When you are happy internally the rest will follow. You are a human being like the rest of us, and your soul deserves a fighting chance! Don't give up so easily, and search for answers, truth, and relief. It is out there and it is waiting for you. PM me if you want. Blessings..
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