NOTHING has gone right lately. dont think i can hold on for much longer. been losing grip for a while. oh well. ive been trying to grasp onto the 'good stuff' but we all know its not real. im holding onto the fake, therefore, im holding onto nothing. my imagination wants it to be real. but its not. oh im rambling. ive tried so hard to be someone im not, and whether im the real me or not, its not what people want. fuck this. i cant keep going feeling like this. the pain just hurts too much, and my fake smile hurts even more. just once id like someone to want ME. not some excuse behind it. im fed up of giving all that i can. but to everyone else its nothing. its nothing to myself as well. oh i hate myself. i hate this feeling i have. its just eating me up inside and i know im just going to explode. gosh im fed up of trying. im exhausted. my head is just chaos. everything is just a mess in my life. and i dont have a clue how to attempt to tidy it up. i just need to run away, even though i know running solves nothing. but it seems its the only way. its inevitable i guess? im not sure. urghhhhhhhhh thinking too much again. fuck. one thing leads to another. im fed up of being this girl. im nothing. ive lost the real me. ive just been trying to make people think im happier than i am and ive been trying to fight so much that ive lost who i am. im now just a secret within myself. i try so hard, ive just forgotten how to ''be''. fucking hell. i hate this. right now i feel like im being crushed. i just want them to be happy. i want her to be happy. more than she knows. why arent i enough for the world? why must i keep trying and trying? i am tired. too tired to keep going on and on with all this shit. not sure why im even posting here. guess im too tired to actually write, typing just appealed more. and i need to get this shit out of me, need to try and realise what the fuck is going on in myself. i stil dont know. all i know is im fucked up. and i feel like im crazy. why would anyone want THIS around? ive got nothing to give anymore. and im willing to give anything anyways. i really have had enough of trying. guess thats it. meh. i dont know what i want anymore. i just want to be empty of all this pain. want to get rid of every memory, but everything just lingers. no one knows how much i hurt, i cant handle it myself sometimes. i say im lonely. but im not. i know im not. i like being alone. stops me from analysing everything and trying to fake this happiness. i just want you to see the sadness in my eyes and take me as i am. i just need someone to understand so im not completely isolated in all this crap. oh here i am suggesting im lonely. why do i do it??? the last thing i want is attention!! just trying to grasp onto something to keep me here i guess...but why bother? i know i cant handle one more push. ive stopped cutting. ive lost that thrill i get from it. now im pretty empty, but heavy at the same time. damn this is a long post. i hope you havent read it. it was only for me to get my thoughts out. sorry if you wasted your time. ive been pushed too far now. i cant continue. fuck.