I'm not worthy to be alive

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Endlessagony, Nov 9, 2015.

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  1. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Sigh...
    Getting so tired of this. Been trying so hard the whole year but I just can't get my shit together no matter how hard I try. I can't get anyone to understand how much pain I'm in, if I'm just barely scraping by it seems to be okay. No further help needed. It's probably just me I know it, I'm too eager to try and please everyone.

    Started drinking again (3rd day in a row now), 7 months sobriety down the drain. I just don't care now. I still strongly feel that people hate me so what's the difference? At least I can escape hell for a short while. It's unbearable. The world is going to hell anyway, there's no hope for a better future. I envy the dead, they don't have to suffer.
     
  2. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member

    I'm sorry your going through this.
    what makes you think people hate you?
    every day you are here his a victory in its own please keep trying to hold out one more day,
    what is it you have been trying to get together the past year?
    you don't have to answer but I'm willing to listen x
     
  3. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    I guess hate is much too strong a word, indifferent perhaps would be better. I simply cannot feel that anyone cares whether I exist or not. I have support groups and people but I can't seem to communicate in way with them that they would take me seriously. "You have been doing so great" "Just keep it up" etc, even if I try to say I'm helpless all I hear is platitudes. No one really cares that I'm in pain. As long as I seem somewhat ok I am accepted (maybe wouldn't go that far, not annoying perhaps). As soon as I show some self pity I get crap, "what have you got to complain about?".

    For now at least I can dull myself with some alcohol. Not a solution but I guess it's better than trying to grin through it and end up just killing myself. I can't take it, I want to cast myself into the cold undertow and see where it takes me.
     
  4. Unicorns_Grace

    Unicorns_Grace Active Member

    I understand what you mean I sometimes think people don't completely understand how to help someone they think they are saying the right things and what you need to hear but they don't realise they are smothering you and are unable to see the actual pain that you are in they are listening but not hearing and sometimes that's worse than people not saying anything.

    I'm sure you are worthy of being here and there is at least one person in this big wide world that wants you here..
    you should do what is right for you I say this without passing any form of judgement in a way we are all just trying to find our way.
     
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  5. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Endless, Hi! I am sorry that you got that far to have to start over again, if you are, which I do hope you will!, I am sorry that you are in pain as well, We do care here that you are in Pain, so many of us know that feeling so well NO ONE here will ask What do you have to Complain about either! We really do care, we will help you with support and NO one will Judge you either! as you should well know! Most of these things you should know, I am a newcomer compared to you, I think that you do care about your sobriety but it would be a guess on my part, I am guessing again that you have just come back? Welcome back in any case! I will see you around! I hope!
     
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  6. Endlessagony

    Endlessagony Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the replies. I know there are people who would miss me if I wasn't here but that doesn't really ease the pain. I still feel they don't take me seriously. It's so frustrating but I know it's probably me, I give the impression things are not that bad. I feel like I need to become openly self destructive for people to see I'm hurting. At the same time I'm really scared no one will even react if I do it. I think I'm at the point where I just need to burn, maybe I'll succeed in going somewhere or I'll just die trying. Can't exist like this anymore.

    I feel like I'm an adult child. 33 years old now and as helpless as an angsty 13-year old.
     
  7. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    I can understand that, Man, age does not matter or alter anything I have been helpless as well I didn't feel as competent as a 13 year old at times, I am more then 2 x your age, I know exactly where you are coming from! I take everyone seriously! I feel helpless at times, I get so frustrated I wish I were a child so I did't and don't have to deal with things any more, some times it gets just so bad, I want to Scream and Yell but I don't! it was so easy as a child. When I was, things were hard, but life seemed to be a whole lot easier!
    please Hold on, I Do Care! I feel that everyone has the opportunity and possibility that something good can Happen. It is that Child in me believes, that is and can be real! I will be around! Thank You! You Are Possible!
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    No it is not down the drain, I'm sure your health is better after being sober for 7 months and you have proven to yourself that you can do this. How did you originally quit? Maybe we can get you back to sobriety if you tell us more and we will support you!
     
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