Painpills, benzos, otc's cigarettes, occasional alcohol, Chron it's all I live for. If these did not exist neither would I! Why? Life has been a horror story & addiction runs in my family. I feel so happy when I gamble becouse there's hope for money(the root of all evil) and I want money. I need money to keep me in supply when it comes to drugs. I got cought stealing dyphenhydramine the other day! I'm truly pathetic. Sometimes it gets so bad that I'll want anything! Extacy, heroin, crack, glass it's all the same. I've even tried huffing, tho long ago. I started to hallucinate and it was fun to feel that way. My freind showed up and I had to stop..... he possibly saved my life. But drugs are so great imo, legal or otherwise. Addiction runs in my family, so I'm just following routine. My biological mother died of an od right in front of me at the age of 3! You would think that would stop me, but I've tried nearly everything there is. I'm such a loser....some stranger offered to smoke meth w/ me and I did, days ago. When I'm sober I'm the most suicidal person you could think of. And, sometimes, I verge on the homicidal edge! Like killing someone who has alot of dope so it will then be mine! Like attacking a lone pharmacist to steal as many bottles of pills as I can carry away quickly. I no longer want drugs, I NEED them! W/ out them I feel unexplainable. And I want to die so badly it's not funny! I'd write "It's all your fault" in blood on the wall b4 I finally pass out & die from blood loss. There is no help in this situation, my life is sustained by going from doctor to doctor getting different pills, because I have no connections. I've od'd so many times but they always saved my life w/ fuckin Narcan or a breathing machine. I've been in a coma atleast twice & I've been on the methadone program-which I want to go back to..... but it's liquid methadone so it's too easy to take too much and od. This has become my life, & I'm currently downing Fioricet-a barbituate I've od'd on b4-to calm myself. FUCK! Why am I like this? & no detox no fuckin way, I'd rather suffer until I finally die. This life isn't worth it, or I wouldn't be doin this to myself.