I'm nothing but an addict

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by WhyMeWhy, Feb 28, 2008.

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  1. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    Painpills, benzos, otc's cigarettes, occasional alcohol, Chron it's all I live for. If these did not exist neither would I! Why? Life has been a horror story & addiction runs in my family. I feel so happy when I gamble becouse there's hope for money(the root of all evil) and I want money. I need money to keep me in supply when it comes to drugs. I got cought stealing dyphenhydramine the other day! I'm truly pathetic. Sometimes it gets so bad that I'll want anything! Extacy, heroin, crack, glass it's all the same. I've even tried huffing, tho long ago. I started to hallucinate and it was fun to feel that way. My freind showed up and I had to stop..... he possibly saved my life. But drugs are so great imo, legal or otherwise. Addiction runs in my family, so I'm just following routine. My biological mother died of an od right in front of me at the age of 3! You would think that would stop me, but I've tried nearly everything there is. I'm such a loser....some stranger offered to smoke meth w/ me and I did, days ago. When I'm sober I'm the most suicidal person you could think of. And, sometimes, I verge on the homicidal edge! Like killing someone who has alot of dope so it will then be mine! Like attacking a lone pharmacist to steal as many bottles of pills as I can carry away quickly. I no longer want drugs, I NEED them! W/ out them I feel unexplainable. And I want to die so badly it's not funny! I'd write "It's all your fault" in blood on the wall b4 I finally pass out & die from blood loss. There is no help in this situation, my life is sustained by going from doctor to doctor getting different pills, because I have no connections. I've od'd so many times but they always saved my life w/ fuckin Narcan or a breathing machine. I've been in a coma atleast twice & I've been on the methadone program-which I want to go back to..... but it's liquid methadone so it's too easy to take too much and od. This has become my life, & I'm currently downing Fioricet-a barbituate I've od'd on b4-to calm myself. FUCK! Why am I like this? & no detox no fuckin way, I'd rather suffer until I finally die. This life isn't worth it, or I wouldn't be doin this to myself.
  2. darklogic

    darklogic Active Member

    I was raised by drug addicts and been around people with all sorts of addictions my entire life. I've seen people OD. I've seen seen people who have stolen to support their habit. I've seen people sell their bodies to support their habit. I've seen them let their kids starve because they have a habit. Piece by piece I've seen people sell everything they own because the drug becomes the most important thing in the world. More important than their family, their health, or anything else. Because they can't function without it. Because it is their only respite from the pain of their existence.

    I understand. My parents met at an AA meeting so addiction runs in my blood too and I have struggled with it. I should have known better knowing my family history but I thought a little taste couldn't hurt. I thought I could keep things under control. For a while I did but little by little drugs became more important. It was just so easy, so fast, so immediately gratifying. A few drinks, a few puffs, a few pills and I was no longer suffering. I could forget. But it never lasted. I always needed MORE after that. And I was always looking for new ways to escape and feel something different. It got out of hand. It got to where I couldn't handle being sober either.

    So, eventually I lost just about everything, just as my parents had before me. I didn't reach their level of desolation but I worked myself into debt, got evicted, and dropped out of school. These things were not so bad. The worst was that I had abused the trust of my family and lost some very good friends, and better opportunities for sucess and happiness than I'm likely to ever come across again.

    It just got to the point where I couldn't continue life as an addict any longer. My life was all I had left and I was very close to losing it too. Long story short, I've been sober for about a month now. I even quit smoking cigs and started dating again.

    I still struggle with depression but I realize that drugs did me more harm than good and I'm not confident that I can use them and still maintain self control. With some drugs this is damn near impossible. One example, meth. DO NOT FUCK WITH METH. It will destroy you for certain. I've seen it with my own eyes. When people you love just can't stop doing it and you lose them it kills your soul. I urge you to think about the people who might care about you and think about what you're doing to them. Think about what you're doing to yourself.

    At one point I too said I'd rather be dead than be sober. Since being sober, however, I've come to realize that it had gotten to the point where those really were my only two options. I must say I much prefer life. I know the strength is within you, buried deep inside a mind riddled with cravings. Deep down in what might be called your soul I know you do not want this. You might not be able to do it alone. Trusting in your friends and family or a good drug counselor for advice and support makes a huge difference. I know not everyone can afford rehab and it's not always the best thing for some people. But do try SOMETHING.

    Just ask yourself, how long do you really want to suffer? Don't expect that it will be easy but if you try you can lead a healthier life free of addictions. Just try it for a while. Don't think of FOREVER. Remember that drugs will always be there. They aren't going anywhere. Just give yourself a chance and see if you don't feel better and stronger for doing so.
  3. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    I live w/ a drug addict. Or maybe just an addict, because she's $11,000 overdrawn on her bank account. FRom gambling. The drugs, or addiction are our ONLY common bond. I can't afford to live anywhere else.... matter of fact, w/ out her I can't afford to live. So we encourage eachothers' addiction to drugs. But now I've to get her off gambling. We'll both end up on the street the way she's goin & I'd rather die. So I'm stuck in this situation for now. Depressing I know but I can happily say those thoughts(killing drug-holders, robbing pharmacies) are just thoughts which I don't think I even have the gall to act upon. I just need a good doctor. I really do suffer in frequent pain it's appearent. Every, or most docs believe me, so I always end up with something. It's just that I don't follow dosing instructions to the letter, because of my tolerance.
    Unless I'm recieving the strongest shit possible. I've od'd and am in no hurry to do it again, ever. So I'd follow dosing instructions if I knew that not doing so would kill me. Luckily I'm not in a state of desperation. I own alot of stuff(CD collection videogame collection, guitar) and am not pawning it off for drugs. So I'm not at the bottom, not really even spiraling towards it.... unlike her. It's at the point where I need drugs just to put up w/ her. So I'll continue, atleast I'm alive right?
  4. Bob26003

    Bob26003 Well-Known Member

    I say find what works for you and take it responsibly.

    Because tbh, I have been sober for three years (off my xanax) and it has destroyed me.
  5. darklogic

    darklogic Active Member

    Just because you haven't hit the bottom YET doesn't mean that it can't happen. Most people never get to quite that extreme point but it sounds like thoughts of getting high or what you could do to get high are consuming a lot of your mental energy. I didn't steal or sell anything for drugs either but I still realized I had a problem that was impairing my life and keeping me stuck with my wheels spinning.

    It sounds like your roommate has it worse than you but you don't have to stay there for her sake or your own. Surely there are other options you haven't considered. It can be very hard to stop something when your living conditions are not good. When you are always being tempted by observing the activities of others you or so stressed that you feel you must use something to escape it, just to "put up with her" as you put it. Two addicts living together is a sticky situation because they enable one another and then conveniently have someone else to blame their behavior on.

    Don't despair. There may be mental health services in your area which offer drug counseling at little too no cost. I would at least check into it. You might not think that it will help but it couldn't hurt, right?
  6. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    Sorry but my mind is made up. I'll continue down the only path I know, trying to avoid going in too deep. I have willpower and I know I can do it. When I awake, the 1st thing I do is eat or smoke. If I have drugs I'm satisfied that they are there but do not need to take them immediately. I'm not that far gone. If things do get worse I'll seek help ok? For now I must continue living the life that 'm used to. Because without something to stablize me things aren't pretty. You want me to go around hurting other addicts? Out of jealousy or blind rage? I may be mentally unstable.... the drugs keep me under control. I read the book Beam Me Up Scotty once(author unknown). He stopped smokin crack to go around killing drug dealers & thought this was a good thing. That's replacing one addiction w/ an even worse one! & this was based on a true story
    I will continue the only way of ,life I know & I will survive, because sober I want nothing to do w./ my life!
  7. darklogic

    darklogic Active Member

    Well, I always say do whatever makes you happy. I didn't mean to come off preachy or anything. It just sounded like you wanted some advice so I gave you some. As long as you have self control and use your brain I think drug use is totally acceptable. The line between use and abuse is thin, however. And don't assume just because a drug was prescibed to you by a doctor that it will be safe because this is a gross fallacy.

    Just be please be safe and at least consider the possibility that your drug use could just possibly be contributing to your mental instability rather than helping it.
  8. WhyMeWhy

    WhyMeWhy Well-Known Member

    Sadly, drugs are my only & best freinds....besides certain folk on this forum. I'd give my very life to see them live theirs through! :yes:
  9. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    I had a close friend who abused drugs day in and day out, but he was able to handle himself most of the time. I could relate to him in terms of depression. He also said that if it weren't for drugs, he wouldn't be alive. And I believe him. Marijuana helped kept him stable, and he relied on it being there for him every day, other drugs helped distract him for the time being or calm him down so he wouldn't risk attacking someone. Some people can't suddenly stop taking drugs, because they're too used to them being in their system.
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