Im tired of trying to not notice how little I have. Im tired of the extra I try to give that comes up empty. Im that "nice guy" that we all know that no one wants to be around, but everyone says is a nice guy. Im older than most of you, but my experience is it doesnt get better, but just gets amazingly worse each day. Went to a ck up, doc asked me how it was going and instead of lying this time I told him...he freaked out. "thats awful, I dont know what i'd do", freaking people out by how bad your life is doesnt feel good. Ran into someone Ive known a long time, same question, gave them same answer and they freaked out. Couldnt believe it. Had a girlfriend until she saw my life. Wrote me a letter telling me how her perfect man would be strong, confident, her hero, have a good job, have retirement, a house and savings . Told me I dont have good stories about life and school and college and that's not what she wants for her kids. Said she should be able to insist on the best for and her kids....and I have to agree. People cant believe my life is so awful. I go to church, do bible study and pray and beg god for help. Apparently Im the garbage that doesnt get the good stuff. Yes Im seeing a shrink, seventh or eighth one, doesnt matter. Family is dead, though they could have they didnt want to make the effort to help. Yes I sort of have friends, but not enough to help. Good times fruends only I guess. No one ever calls, texts, or fbs me. I dont blame them really, wish I could, Im just not as good as everyone else. Im unemployed. My ex wife ran off with my retirement. My house is foreclosed Im diagnosed as impotent, no not the kind viagra fixes...real deal. Yes I could give myself an injection in my penis, but thats not quite the same is it. My last suicide attempt 15 years ago, I <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> and spent 30 days in the lockdown ward. When dr treated me for the burns he refused to use anesthetic and scrubbed my 2nd and 3rd degree burns telling me that this way Id remember what a loser I was. Im out if options. One thing doctors and others on forum wont tell you, this pain we're feeling is something no one wants to ever share. It has to be your secret forever because the regular folks dont want to come near, we're poison forever. Last time I made the mistake of just doing a big self hatred thing, there is one very sure fire method and a simple way around the waiting period. For most of you, life actually will and does get better....then there's me. Will the aftermath be better? Really, who knows. But, it will be easier.