I'm ok today, but I have my bad days too

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ofnovalue, Jun 12, 2013.

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  1. ofnovalue

    ofnovalue New Member

    I'm a new member just signed up today. It's kind of a funny story in a sad and ironic way, but I had signed up a week ago... and my account got removed not once but twice due to the fact that I registered from behind a proxy which this site flags as unaccepted. I don't blame the admins and folks who run this site, it's something that happens. But I have to confess that with how I was feeling a week ago, this really made me sink emotionally to a new low. I remember saying, "wow, I must really be worthless if I can't even get a suicide support forum to accept me". I actually said something similar to the admins when I got the "your account did not meet the requirements" email. I got an email from Alison apologizing for the mix up and that was nice. It was all good, and I appreciate Alison for taking the time to reach out personally, instead of just shrugging her shoulders and saying "oh well".

    So here I am today.

    I've been through an intense week of self discovery and have realized a few truths in my life. My sense of self value is obviously as low as it could possibly be, but I'm seeing the source with some clarity these days and I'm working on trying to correct it. I'm reading a book that was recommended by my therapist. Yeah... I am in therapy. I had to do something because I was about 2 steps from being committed to an inpatient acute care facility. I won't get into what has me where I am just yet. I just kinda wanted to introduce myself first and maybe get to know a few of you here first.

    My name is John and I'm 44 years old. I'm married but separated not legally though (for the time being) and I have 3 kids who are my lifeline. If not for my kids, and my faith in God and my Christianity, I would have attempted to end my life again a few times. I had made one previous attempt about 20 years ago and obviously failed. My feelings of worthlessness are not new. I've carried it with me for many many years. I even became depressed when my attempt 20 years ago failed. I couldn't even do that right. I only succeeded in making my friend and room mate mad and making myself sick for about a week and ½. It was an honest attempt.. not a cry for attention. I left no note, I did it when I knew I'd be alone for the night and what I thought would be the next day. when my friend couldn't reach me from work, he left early to come home and find me. I didn't attempt again. I was miserable for about a month after that.

    This past month or so, I've been dangerously close to revisiting it as an option. I nearly died last year of natural causes. I had an aneurysm rupture in my brain and it nearly took me out. After that, I've been refusing to take medications in the hope that I could get a do over and this time I'd not go to the hospital. I have resumed my medications but I still have thoughts of suicide as an escape from this terminal disease we all have which is life. But I'm not going to let myself die and I will not take my own life. I'm healing from this, and I believe my story will be able to inspire some of you. As you get to know me and my story, you'll understand why I am where I am. My hopes are that maybe even just one person here would be inspired by my story and realize that despite what life has given them, there is something greater in store if we allow ourselves the opportunity to embrace it. For the first time in my life, I am now hopeful.
     
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I just wanted to say hi and welcome you to the site. :smile: I'm so glad you've found some hope, and the strength to start moving forward. I hope we can offer you friendship and support.

    Again, welcome! :hug:
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Welcome to SF - with your experiences I am sure you have much to share with us and will help many. I hope you also find some comfort and support from others members here for yourself.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  4. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Hello and welcome. I'm absolutely certain I would have thought the same if my attempt to become a member had bounced. Though I'm not sure if I'd have tried again. Glad you did.
     
  5. ofnovalue

    ofnovalue New Member

    I'm going to tell a little more of my story in a new thread. Keep you're eyes open for it, if it's something you're interested in.
     
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