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I'm ok

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Jonathan, May 30, 2011.

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  1. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    It has been a long time... I've grown up. I'm 19 and nearly 20 now. I was around 16 the last time I posted here.

    I'm still as stressed as ever. My life is bad, but I've considered the fact that things have just moved on and I've passed the suicide tendencies. They have come back today, which is why I'm on this forum. But I've realized, I'm the only one that can help myself.. but with the help of encouragement of guys on these forums it does help.

    I'll tell you what has happened throughout life in the UK:

    Here's to no barriers

    I sometimes dream how life can be better and think of a quote by Shakespeare:

    "We know what we are but not what we may be" ~ Shakespeare​

    Just maybe there is a hope for a brighter future and that's what keeps me going.

    I am also exercising in a park which I live near in nearly 31 degree heat everyday. If that doesn't keep my attention off reality, I don't know what does.

    But whatever the case, my families money securities turns out to be not so secure in this country. It is just as bad as the UK. Luckily my grandmother has a bit of money and she is willing to help out. But I want to do something for myself with the money I earned and worked so hard for, my family are with me on that and I've made sure I have let them know. I need to go to university for myself, I know this now. I need to leave behind being a loner and person who keeps to himself. I have the privilege of going to another country and experiencing another culture. I need to learn from this as I haven't in the past. But I really need this. I just hope nothing gets in the way like it usually has in the past.

    I may have slight suicidal tendencies but there could be worse, right? My eyes are tearing as I write this as I haven't accepted what has happened over the last few years. Maybe I'm in a coma, so if I am, I'm screaming now for someone to wake me and for this story to not be true. But this is life one day at a time for me now. So here's for the future right and here's for what I might be? :blub:

    But yeah I've survived, I've had plenty of good opportunities and decent excuses to commit suicide, I've even gone for it, hoping I would die without even knowing, but still I live here today. I don't know anything about my future to be honest. But it is what it is, and I'll take the future one day at a time. :/ Though I have to admit, I'm not completely satisfied yet with life. If I had money, I would be happy because my family would be happy. It is sad I'm coming to hate my own family and I don't know why. I'll try not to rant anymore but I hope there is someone out there reading and listening, because I've had enough of it all and at times I just can't take it anymore. I think I'll cry myself to sleep now, it seems appropriate.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 31, 2011
  2. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member


    lol I posted this when I was 15. I was a fool then and I'm a fool now. I was in no way as bad a situation as that and I wanted to kill myself when I was 15 for gods sakes for just trying to compare myself to others. But then if I killed myself then, I would not have had to experience the crap the next 3 years god so apparently gave me. :blub: Cheers god, but I didn't want to be born, you should have given this life to someone else who would appreciate it for what it is.

    Man and the awful thing about it is that I have never loved anyone before. I have never experienced a relationship with another girl and probably never will. I find it hard enough talking to other people let alone girls.

    F*ck I'm messed up in all situations.
  3. Meroko

    Meroko Member

    You sound really sad.
    Isn't the chance of learning Chinese in University something to look forward to?

    Your family situation is bad. I was kind of shocked, that your mother took all of your money without asking for permission?!
    Are you still in contact?
    While reading this, I got the thought, maybe you should take some time just for you. Without looking after your familiy?
  4. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    It is something, I'm going tomorrow actually just to register up. I'm nervous though.

    On the day I found out, I walked around the park 100 times exactly just to think, I didn't talk to her for a few days. But I still took my grandmother or her mother to hospital, it wasn't her fault.

    Though I'm not Christian, I went to a Christian school. The one thing they teach is to forgive. So I forgave and I'm still living with her. What other choice do I have really. :(

    I kind of felt selfish though as I was living in her place not my own and I wasn't helping with paying anything, but I really worked hard for that money. :sad:

    I find that really hard to do now. Unfortunately my mother has diabetes and my father isn't getting any younger. I wish I had time to myself and I'm hoping I can change myself without feeling selfish and like a piece dust on this Earth when I go to learn in university.

    I feel like I'm stuck to be honest. :sad:
  5. Meroko

    Meroko Member

    You have to remember that you can't be helpful for them, if you're totally messed up! So taking care of yourself is also taking care of your family.
    Being able to forgive is a valuable attribute but there's a difference between forgiveness and tolarating everything!
    Sometimes we should learn to look after ourselve instead of everybody else.

    I can imagine that you are kind of afraid what's expecting you with all those new people around at university?
    My advice to you is: try to get to know some new people. Maybe there will be some friendships? Stabilise yourself.
    This doesn't mean that I'm advising you to ignore your family, but i guess it's important to listen to your promptings of the heart and decide, what you can stand or not.
  6. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    I know, but she said she was desperate, so what the hell. Still should have asked but she gave the money back, so I'm content with that.

    Thanks for this advise. I will try to make friends, but I'm really nervous. Apparently they are people from all over the world wanting to learn Chinese, some from South Korea, Japan, Europe, America and other places. It will be a good thing to make friends with them.

    My first orientation is next Monday, I will update how it goes.

  7. Jonathan

    Jonathan Well-Known Member

    Ahh god. I feel bad. I told my parents to: "Go fuck themselves"

    I was angry, mad, sad, emotional, in pain and had a broken heart when I said it. I went to the park and done a few runs around the running track, it helped, but I feel like an asshole. Life is tough...........
  8. Yati

    Yati Well-Known Member

    You are a very forgiving person, I find it hard to forgive myself and part of my problem is I can't let things go. I want to tell you that I'm proud of you even though I don't know you. Forgiveness is something to be proud of and a very good trait. I hope this brings you to a better move, and you dear sir have my admiration in this way. I wish you well.
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