I'm Old

[Gonz]

This is something I've mentioned before.

I feel old. Like there's nothing left for me to look forward to, and now I'm just waiting to die. And, if I'm being honest, it feels like I might not have all that much longer to wait. I'm going through the motions, doing all the stuff that will supposedly get me healthy again, but I honestly can't imagine still being alive five years from now.

I spend a lot of time indulging in nostalgia. Listening to to music and playing video games and watching movies all from when I was young. Give me Mike Tyson's Punch Out and the smell of weed smoke and I'm seven years old again sleeping over at my cool older cousin's house like I used to do every weekend.

The world fuckin' sucks these days.

I feel like I've already been through all of life's stages and now I'm ready for it to be over.

My wife is gone. My friends are gone. My health is failing. I'm too worn out and broken down to serve any purpose, all my effort just goes into maintaining life, but there's nothing to do with that life other than to just exist and watch it wind out and wait for the inevitable.

I feel like I'm gonna be one of those people who dies of old age in their forties.

 

[sinking_ship]

If you keep taking better care of yourself, maybe you could feel better and start feeling like there's a possible future for you again. You are barely older than I am, you have no idea what can be out there for you. Right now sucks a lot. Just try to hold on.

 

[Waves]

This is something I've mentioned before.

I feel old. Like there's nothing left for me to look forward to, and now I'm just waiting to die. And, if I'm being honest, it feels like I might not have all that much longer to wait. I'm going through the motions, doing all the stuff that will supposedly get me healthy again, but I honestly can't imagine still being alive five years from now.

I spend a lot of time indulging in nostalgia. Listening to to music and playing video games and watching movies all from when I was young. Give me Mike Tyson's Punch Out and the smell of weed smoke and I'm seven years old again sleeping over at my cool older cousin's house like I used to do every weekend.

The world fuckin' sucks these days.

I feel like I've already been through all of life's stages and now I'm ready for it to be over.

My wife is gone. My friends are gone. My health is failing. I'm too worn out and broken down to serve any purpose, all my effort just goes into maintaining life, but there's nothing to do with that life other than to just exist and watch it wind out and wait for the inevitable.

I feel like I'm gonna be one of those people who dies of old age in their forties.[/QUOT

Will join you

 

[HappyKitty]

Hiya, remember... We need to hang on to the one that actually cares for us. You still have your parents to live for and many others and you can live for yourself too. It's never too late to still be healthy and remain young as we grow older. I know it's annoying when we're facing loss after loss but we can't let that weakens our strength in faith.

 

[Gonz]

If you keep taking better care of yourself, maybe you could feel better and start feeling like there's a possible future for you again. You are barely older than I am, you have no idea what can be out there for you. Right now sucks a lot. Just try to hold on.

It just fuckin' sucks because I don't even think I want another future. God, I'm just so tired and ready to be done. Life is too heavy, it's a burden I'm ready cast off. I just don't think I have it in me to try anymore.

And (god everyone must be sick to death of this shit from me by now) any good that may come along is just fucking hollow if I can't share it with her.

 

[HappyKitty]

It just fuckin' sucks because I don't even think I want another future. God, I'm just so tired and ready to be done. Life is too heavy, it's a burden I'm ready cast off. I just don't think I have it in me to try anymore.

And (god everyone must be sick to death of this shit from me by now) any good that may come along is just fucking hollow if I can't share it with her.

Its okay Gonzie, you can let it out but Jessica wouldn't want you to die, she wants you to be happy.

PS I'm never sick of you, if I'm there real life I'd make sure I'd take care of you and cuddles with you while you go through this as this can come at anytime.

 

[Sunspots]

I think when you go through a life threatening illness, particularly one that puts you at increased risk in the future, it does change you, at least for a while. It makes us question our lives and achievements so far and living with the fear that it will get us in the end.

I know when I had cancer in my early forties the worst part was the year or so after. The treatment had taken its toll and I felt like I'd be physically broken forever. The fear of it coming back was hideous, every little ache and pain sent me into a panic - not so much the fear of dying but the fear of having to face it again and possibly having to go through the hell of treatment for a second time. I felt like I'd wasted my life and from now on would not have the chance to achieve anything but was just waiting to die.
There's a really good article written about what happens after cancer but it would apply to any life threatening illness. It's called "When the treatment ends". I'll see if I can find it and send you a link to it.

38 is still young. You've got plenty of time to turn this around. But you need to give yourself time to heal and recover - you've been through so much.

 

[Gonz]

Its okay Gonzie, you can let it out but Jessica wouldn't want you to die, she wants you to be happy.

PS I'm never sick of you, if I'm there real life I'd make sure I'd take care of you and cuddles with you while you go through this as this can come at anytime.

I know that's what she'd want, but I don't think I'm capable of being truly happy without her. I was too dependant on her as my sole source of positive emotion.

 

[HappyKitty]

I know that's what she'd want, but I don't think I'm capable of being truly happy without her. I was too dependant on her as my sole source of positive emotion.

You can tackle one problem at a time and relearn everything all while leaning with all the people that care for you for support. Its okay to feel bad but its definitely not okay to see you living with fear and limitations, no offense tho. You deserve to have a support system, you deserve to be happy, its really okay if can’t live or take care for yourself yet, always baby steps.

 

[sinking_ship]

It just fuckin' sucks because I don't even think I want another future. God, I'm just so tired and ready to be done. Life is too heavy, it's a burden I'm ready cast off. I just don't think I have it in me to try anymore.

And (god everyone must be sick to death of this shit from me by now) any good that may come along is just fucking hollow if I can't share it with her.

I know you don't want it right now. But it doesn't have to be filled with the pain you're in now.

 

[BraveFace]

@Gonz forgive my intrusion as I do not really know your back story... I have always loved your comments here. They are witty, sharp and damn you can be quick! Your post is beautifully honest - like so many people here. As @HappyKitty said 'baby steps'... we are here for you as you have been for us, even though we (me!) may not have told you at the time

 

[Winslow]

How can Gonz say he's old in his 40s when I myself became 68 years old last month. Based on what he said, I would think his anguish is his health problem instead of his age. Because he said that most of his daily efforts are spent on maintaining his health.
As I said, I'm 68 now but I still want to live--and it's because I cannot waste my gift-- some blessings are too precious to waste.
At the same time, Gonz, I feel sorry for your daily health problem.

 

[HappyKitty]

@Gonz forgive my intrusion as I do not really know your back story... I have always loved your comments here. They are witty, sharp and damn you can be quick! Your post is beautifully honest - like so many people here. As @HappyKitty said 'baby steps'... we are here for you as you have been for us, even though we (me!) may not have told you at the time

Yeah, needs to practice baby steps. Practice goods. 😺 and i wish you can be more excitable with little things again like Kitty Gonzie ^^

 

[Waves]

It just fuckin' sucks because I don't even think I want another future. God, I'm just so tired and ready to be done. Life is too heavy, it's a burden I'm ready cast off. I just don't think I have it in me to try anymore.

And (god everyone must be sick to death of this shit from me by now) any good that may come along is just fucking hollow if I can't share it with her.

I know you don't want it right now. But it doesn't have to be filled with the pain you're in now

Hey Gonz

Loss hurts physically. No one knows that unless they loved deeply. I do not offer platitudes. I can offer empathy. Is it ok to talk about her? Who was she? How did you meet? Grabbing my throw to settle in while I wait for your reply. 😊

 

[Gonz]

Hey Gonz

Loss hurts physically. No one knows that unless they loved deeply. I do not offer platitudes. I can offer empathy. Is it ok to talk about her? Who was she? How did you meet? Grabbing my throw to settle in while I wait for your reply. 😊

oh, you’ve done it now; you’ve invited me to talk about her.

She was my wife and, for years before that, my best friend. We met when we were in high school, when I was dating a friend of hers. That ended, but she and I kept getting closer and closer until, by our late teens and early twenties, we were spending literally every single day together.

Navigating the post-high school world, and learning how to adult was something we very much did together. We had both dealt with childhood trauma, and with lifelong mental health issues, not to mention all the shared experience from spending so much time together, and we just understood each other better than anyone else. Most of the coping mechanisms we developed for dealing with the world involved leaning on each other.

And that was all before we got together romantically.

Because of how we first met, and the fact that we were rarely single at the same time for years after, we built up a lot of platonic friendship momentum. But I knew how I felt about her and when a mutual friend told me she felt the same, I went for it and we were living together within a few months and married within a few years.

Now, I have a habit of making our time together seem a little too rosy or perfect. That wasn’t the case. Fact is, we were two people with pretty serious untreated mental illness and that led to a certain amount of instability and craziness. Fair amount of drug abuse, and we could fight like you wouldn’t believe. But we had our life together, and made a nice little “family” unit with a couple of our friends/off and on roommates, and I thought our future was pretty much settled.

We’d been together for 11 years when, three and a half years ago, I came home and found her dead. She went out like a fuckin’ rock star (which is to say: got too high, passed out, vomited and choked on it). And I’ve been left all alone all the time since, mostly just waiting for my chance to join her.

 

[Waves]

oh, you’ve done it now; you’ve invited me to talk about her.

She was my wife and, for years before that, my best friend. We met when we were in high school, when I was dating a friend of hers. That ended, but she and I kept getting closer and closer until, by our late teens and early twenties, we were spending literally every single day together.

Navigating the post-high school world, and learning how to adult was something we very much did together. We had both dealt with childhood trauma, and with lifelong mental health issues, not to mention all the shared experience from spending so much time together, and we just understood each other better than anyone else. Most of the coping mechanisms we developed for dealing with the world involved leaning on each other.

And that was all before we got together romantically.

Because of how we first met, and the fact that we were rarely single at the same time for years after, we built up a lot of platonic friendship momentum. But I knew how I felt about her and when a mutual friend told me she felt the same, I went for it and we were living together within a few months and married within a few years.

Now, I have a habit of making our time together seem a little too rosy or perfect. That wasn’t the case. Fact is, we were two people with pretty serious untreated mental illness and that led to a certain amount of instability and craziness. Fair amount of drug abuse, and we could fight like you wouldn’t believe. But we had our life together, and made a nice little “family” unit with a couple of our friends/off and on roommates, and I thought our future was pretty much settled.

We’d been together for 11 years when, three and a half years ago, I came home and found her dead. She went out like a fuckin’ rock star (which is to say: got too high, passed out, vomited and choked on it). And I’ve been left all alone all the time since, mostly just waiting for my chance to join her.

My first reaction is I am angry that she left.

 

[Gonz]

My first reaction is I am angry that she left.

Yeah, me too. Among other feelings.

 

[Waves]

Yeah, me too. Among other feelings.

Where are you now with drugs?

 

[Gonz]

Where are you now with drugs?

Well, I'd already been clean from opiates, which was what killed her, for a few years before she died, and haven't touched them since. But, and especially in the time since she died, I'll get high on anything that comes along other than opiates rather than have to look at the world through sober eyes all day.

Which was the case up until the heart attack I had a few months ago, now I just smoke a little weed every day.

 

[Waves]

Well, I'd already been clean from opiates, which was what killed her, for a few years before she died, and haven't touched them since. But, and especially in the time since she died, I'll get high on anything that comes along other than opiates rather than have to look at the world through sober eyes all day.

Which was the case up until the heart attack I had a few months ago, now I just smoke a little weed every day.

Gonz. You need a home cooked meal. Entree vegetable potato roll and dessert. When was the last time someone made you that?