I'm only 17 years of age but I'm ready to die.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MeganRuth, Apr 23, 2012.

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  1. MeganRuth

    MeganRuth Guest

    I don't know where to start. Maybe it's because I dropped out of school and I haven't got my GED yet and I still can't drive. Maybe it's because I have no friends and I've never had a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend. I want to be loved so badly.
    I've suffered from severe depression and bi polar disorder since I was 12. I've been cutting and burning my skin myself since I was 12. I have never been overweight but I'm not thin and I make myself throw up. Everytime I masturbate I feel disgusting and shameful after.
    My mother is my best friend but she's an alocohlic and I don't see her much. I miss her every second. I'm torn because if I commit suicide I know she will too. I love her so much but I hate seeing her slowly kill herself.
    I'm tired of feeling lonely, depressed, sad, angry, and suicidal. I'm ready to write my suicide notes and end it all within the next 24 hours. I have no way of being in a hospital for help because I have a new job that I cannot lose. I'm done. I'm tired. I want to go away. I have no one to talk to so I am on here seeing if someone can give me a reason to live.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, MeganRuth. I'm so sorry you have had so many challenges in your short life so far. :hug: I know you're finding it hard, sad, lonely, and depressing right now. It does not have to stay that way.

    I assume that you are on meds - are you taking them regularly? Sometimes we can feel worse if we neglect to take our meds as prescribed. Sometimes, we need a change in meds if they don't seem to be doing their job. Maybe a trip to the doc/pdoc is in order.

    Regarding your mom - it is very hard to live with an alcoholic. Alcoholics seem intent on drinking to blot out their own pain and slowly destroying themselves without regard for the people around them. Are there Alanon or Alateen meetings in your area? (Alanon/Alateen groups are peer support for the friends/family of alcoholics. They can be very helpful.)

    I think that you have a lot of potential (you're sensitive and loving, you love your mother, you are smart, and you can see there is another way to live)...How about exploring some ways to make your life what YOU want it to be? A trip to the doctor to review your meds might be a good start. You could even mention to the doc that your mom is alcoholic - the doc might have some practical suggestions on how to deal with it. As for the other things in life, perhaps you could make a list of all the things you always wanted to accomplish...and set them as long-term goals, breaking things down into little steps to help you reach them.

    I hope that you will give yourself a chance. Please don't act on your feelings. There is obviously much more to you than the "sad MeganRuth." There is clearly the MeganRuth that wants a good life and who can have that with some support to get it. We will listen here and give you as much support as we can.

    Keep posting and stay safe. I'm sending good wishes your way. :hug:
     
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Well hun, maybe you should focus on obtaining those things that you said you are lacking. For instance, your GED and your Drivers License. Sometimes having a goal in mind can keep your mind occupied for long enough to keep yourself from doing anything rash. Then maybe along the way you can find everything else you are looking for?

    I wish I could give better advice but I am not much better off than you.
     
  4. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    As a father who had a son about your age commit suicide, let me give you some advice that might help. You say that your mother is your best friend but you hate seeing her have an issue with alcohol. My best advice to you, coming from a parent's point of view, is to grow even stronger with your mother. First off, talk to her. Explain to her how you feel about yourself and your thoughts of suicide. Then talk to her about how you care about her and how you want her to take better care of herself. I know it's difficult - even a parent finds it difficult to express their feelings to their kids... but what do you have to lose? You're considering ending things, what could be worse? Certainly having a heart-to-heart with your mom cannot be worse than death. If you can consider dying, you can surely consider talking to your mom. Set up a time to be alone with her where there are no distractions. Tell her how you feel. Ask her for help and offer her your help as well. Together you can both be strong and survive this to create a better day. Please don't leave her alone.
     
  5. MeganRuth

    MeganRuth Guest

    Thanks everyone. I think I just lack motivation to get things done. I will get my GED and my driver's license.
    And I have been on medication since I was 12. I ran out last week so I haven't been on it like I should. I will make an appointment with my doctor asap.
    I want to live I just feel so heartbroken and hopeless right now. It's the worst I've ever been in my entire 5 years of battling mental illness.
    I feel like the world is too much of a painful place. I've seen so much addiction and sadness and brokeness that I don't feel like I see any good in anyone anymore, even myself.
    I will try though because I do have that little bit of hope. No matter how much I tell myself that life isn't worth it I have that feeling deep down that everything will be okay.
    PICKWITHAUSTIN: I am very sorry for your loss. I've never actually killed myself because of what it would do to my mother. I take care of her and she can't live without me.
     
  6. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    That is good, be there for your mother.

    The world is a tough place. Look at all the discontent, the fighting, wars, disasters, even the killing of helpless animals and other forms of abuse. It definitely challenges even the best of us who have a conscience. That said, we all must do what we can to try to turn the bad around to good. You're there for your mother, and that is a first step. Get your med's renewed, do the whole GED thing, and go after the driver's license (I remember when I was your age and was afraid to learn to drive... then once I did drive, I could not get enough of it! Driving affords a whole new world of escapes and freedoms... though probably not as much as back in my day, due to today's cost for gas vs. the 50 cents a gallon or less back then! LOL).

    Hang tight.
     
  7. Sam_J

    Sam_J New Member

    I sent you a PM Megan.
     
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