I'm only 18..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by emma_x, Dec 18, 2010.

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  1. emma_x

    emma_x Member

    I've posted here twice already but I'd like to post again. I think this forum is kind of keeping me going in the evenings.

    Since 3 weeks ago when my boyfriend decided we needed to be friends for a while; a 'break' I have been spirally down. I used to have flashes of of being raped when I was 14 before I started dating him... and now they're coming back. I go to sleep and I dream about being with my boyfriend and things being okay then I wake up and cry for hours, even during my journey on the train I cry and I try to look like I'm looking out the window. I get these flashes of things from my past... the rape and the pain all flooding back.
    I cut myself a few days ago, when I focused on that pain it made things a little less bleak but when I'm not thinking about my boyfriend who keeps hinting he doesn't love me anymore - I think about dying and how I could just slip away from my hopeless excuse of an existance. I don't have many friends... all my friends see me as this cute happy girl who is smart and funny with a lovely caring boyfriend.
    I got into a degree course 2 years earlier than I'm meant to of done.. The reason I got in was because I talked in the interview about my passion for certian hobbies and how I couldn't stay in sixth form because of my horrible memories - they thought I was really deep and mature.
    I feel like its all fake that I just put on this happy outer shell to make everyone think I'm fine, but every time I say I'm going to get lunch I go outside to cry and think about dying. The thought of dying calms me and gives me hope...

    I don't know if anyone can say anything that will change my mind but I just wanted to say how I feel. I'm sick of bottling it all up.
     
  2. Pip28

    Pip28 Well-Known Member

    I understand how you feel, sometimes you just need to be alone and cry, I think you need to talk to someone about your past as nobody can cope on there own, and i say that as someone much older than you but cant listen to his own advice because it is really hard, but I hope your stronger x
     
  3. novecento

    novecento Member

    Hello Emma, In another thread I threw up the wacky idea of us feeling tired with life trying to build something together rather than going for a full fledged whipeout which will neither do anyone any good nor achieve anything meaningful. I'm not sure how to materialize this idea, certainly not some sort of alcoholics anonymous - let's all sit in a circle. Something lighter, more cheerful, because we maybe need that more than anything else, maybe even more than words. Geographically close people could meet (no one here from Kirkwall I hope!) and go for endless walks, build enormous snowmen surrounded by an army of miniature ones for that looks seasonal, and then talk, and come to the realisation that we are all different in our pain, yet equally fragile. The one thing that sets us our from the "normal" folk is our inability to deal with extreme feelings and pains. And yet, I have always felts that there was more beauty in porcelain than in granite. From what you are saying, I appreciate that your experience goes well beyond that of a broken heart and that your life is scarred. Nothing is really irremediably. Only death is. So what do you think about this merry get together?
     
  4. tiredfighter

    tiredfighter Well-Known Member

    I think that as hard as it may be (and trust me I know exactly how hard it is) you have to put the issues with your ex on hold for a bit and tell all the people important to you and who care about you exactly what's going on in your head and heart. that way you can be totally real and won't need to bottle anything up, then I think you'll find it easier to move past all the stuff with your ex cos you'll have support, I'm not saying you'll magically not wanna be with him cos it doesn't work like that but you'll be more interested in maintaining yourself than worrying about getting him back, then if your happy with yourself and you dont really care if he comes back or not and he does then that's when you make that decision but you may just find that you worth more than that (and you are!) and decide you want someone who's actually good enough got you (which he ain't!) hope this helps a bit :)
     
  5. emma_x

    emma_x Member

    People always say 'your young' 'things get better with time' and 'just talk to people about it all' but I don't want years more of pain and misery, I don't want to keep living my aimless life that leads no where. With my boyfriend I had an aim, he wanted to marry me and us to live together and be happy and travel. Without that sort of future I don't want to search for a new love or for something else to focus on. I just want all that comfort back...
    Without that sort of plan I have nothing to live for. My art may be admired and enjoyable but its no reason to keep going. I want to go to sleep and not wake up and be gone from my excuse of a life. The idea of death gives me hope of my only form of escape from the pain I go through everyday.
     
  6. SomeoneElse

    SomeoneElse Well-Known Member

    I'm 'only 18' as well, if it makes you feel any better. You're not the only young person here to be in this situation.

    I quote, simply 'cause 18 years seems like an eternity to me, looking back.
     
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    sounds like you have ptsd from the rape. have you been diagnosed? there are medications that can help, especially if you are having nightmares. there are also specifiic coping techniques you can learn about dealing with flashbacks. try and educate yourself about ptsd, the more you read about it the more you will know. better to be empowered as you go on this journey. holding you in my thoughts.
     
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