I've posted here twice already but I'd like to post again. I think this forum is kind of keeping me going in the evenings. Since 3 weeks ago when my boyfriend decided we needed to be friends for a while; a 'break' I have been spirally down. I used to have flashes of of being raped when I was 14 before I started dating him... and now they're coming back. I go to sleep and I dream about being with my boyfriend and things being okay then I wake up and cry for hours, even during my journey on the train I cry and I try to look like I'm looking out the window. I get these flashes of things from my past... the rape and the pain all flooding back. I cut myself a few days ago, when I focused on that pain it made things a little less bleak but when I'm not thinking about my boyfriend who keeps hinting he doesn't love me anymore - I think about dying and how I could just slip away from my hopeless excuse of an existance. I don't have many friends... all my friends see me as this cute happy girl who is smart and funny with a lovely caring boyfriend. I got into a degree course 2 years earlier than I'm meant to of done.. The reason I got in was because I talked in the interview about my passion for certian hobbies and how I couldn't stay in sixth form because of my horrible memories - they thought I was really deep and mature. I feel like its all fake that I just put on this happy outer shell to make everyone think I'm fine, but every time I say I'm going to get lunch I go outside to cry and think about dying. The thought of dying calms me and gives me hope... I don't know if anyone can say anything that will change my mind but I just wanted to say how I feel. I'm sick of bottling it all up.