I'm only eighteen and I feel forty

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by CoffeeJill, Sep 5, 2009.

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  1. CoffeeJill

    CoffeeJill New Member

    Let me start with my sad pathetic excuse of a mother/childhood. My entire life she's shown no love towards me the only semi loving memories I have of her are when I was younger and she used to come home drunk out of her mind and tell me about bad things in her life no child should know about at the tender age of five or six. Such as being molested as a child, having several miscarriages before me, and everything else. I'd gotten use to her not being around to her staying out all night drinking and sleeping with men while my sister and I were left home alone.

    Now I'm eighteen. She has since stopped drinking and leaving the house and doing anything else. She's a bipolar schizophrenic with anxiety problems and depression the latter two I have inherited. She's so doped up on drugs she rarely leaves her seat in front of tv and if she does it's like pulling teeth.

    My grandma who god bless her is the only reason I'm alive nowadays for many reasons I won't get into. Broke her hip last year in an accident with eighteen wheeler. Neither can work or do anything else really. My little sister is in high school and my brother lives elsewhere now. My grandma runs errands with me which I appreciate a great deal, but I feel guilty even having her do that.

    I have never had friends and when I say this. I do not mean it the manner of I was unliked in school or that I've lost them all or grown apart from them. I mean literally I have never had any friends. Unless perhaps you count people online. I have a whopping two of those. Why is this you ask? I have really bad social anxiety which has kept me from talking to people, getting a license, getting a job, and staying in school. It takes a great deal of effort for me just to do regular things that require being around other people such as grocery shopping or bringing dogs to the vet. I only do these and a couple other things because I know they have to be done.

    I take care of pretty much all of my family I make them dinner, I clean the house, I run my 'mom's' at home business, I do everything I can and more for them. Presently we're close to being homeless because while we have an at home business breeding dogs no one is buying any due to the economy and my mom's huge asking prices.

    I need to get a job I know this and I want to do this, but everytime I go to so much as get an application I start having panic attacks. I feel terribly stuck and depressed because of this and a couple other factors I'll list quickily. The first is that if I had stayed in school I would of been graduating this year and the second is I never get to do anything for myself anymore and if I ask I'm told by my family I'm being selfish. I'm also struggling with my sexuality for the last five or more years I've thought I was merely bisexual, but now I have no desire to be with men at all. It just all feels like too much and it seems like death would be so much easier :/ I think the only reason I haven't done it yet is because I'm afraid what would happen to my family if I died. Which just makes me feel worse because I don't think that they'll miss me I just don't know how they'll get by without me.
  2. MoopleMan

    MoopleMan New Member

  3. Reki

    Reki Well-Known Member

    Hey CoffeeJill, sorry to hear about your situation, that must be pretty rough. It sounds like you're working hard and people around you might not appreciate it that much, but regardless of your social skills and depression, you should be pretty proud of yourself that you made it this far, probably even more so with all the obstacles in your way.

    There are a lot of people here that can relate to your troubles so welcome, hope you find what you're looking for here.
  4. Cortez

    Cortez Banned Member

    Its alright, please don't feel too bad.

    You can get your GED as one of the first things to do.

    You can always fill out applications online especially for retail jobs and such or you can go in person and ask for an application, then fill it out in your car or at home then bring it back another day or that same day which ever you prefer. It won't take that long to do even though it seems like a nerve racking thing to do. Usually they just tell you they'll take a look at it and call you back or if they talk to you right there then that might be a good thing because that shows that they are somewhat interested in you.

    And you can always get your license it just take a little bit of practice but you'll get it :)

    Feel free to private message me, you can talk to me about anything, trust me I've been in your shoes and fully understand what your saying.
  5. CoffeeJill

    CoffeeJill New Member

    Thank you both.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi glad your here lots of people here care and lots of people to make friends with. Are you on any meds for your anxiety and doing any therapy this helps. I have found it help me. take care good luck job hunting.:rolleyes:
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