I'm depressed. I have been this way now for 5 months, maybe more. I spend most of my time in my bed in my apartment and I usually only venture out for food or to go to class or to meet my counselor and his group. I'm in a Masters program and I have a Bachelors degree in Social Work. Right now I don't seem to be in a position to deal with other people's problems. I lead a shitty childhood and was abused, neglected, and abandoned and that is largely why I chose to go into social work. My grandmother took me in when I was 13; she was the only person who really cared about me and she ended up with breast cancer which metastasized into bone cancer and she died about a year and half ago. About 6 months ago I found out that my Great Aunt, who got power of attorney over my grandfather, had taken money that had been promised to me for school and lent it out to her own children and other family. I'm now expected to pay all my own student loans which will amount to around 40K when I am done. I have an aunt and uncle in this part of the country who borrowed 30K to pay for their daughter's wedding and they have insisted they will help me out. I don't want their money and I absolutely hate that I am forced into a position where I need it. Every day I try to pull my head out of my ass. Some days I feel downright euphoric. But no matter how hard I try to be positive, I end up feeling incredibly sad. I have nothing. I moved across the country to go to this program so I have no friends. I haven't really felt like making any. I don't feel like I can trust anyone. I have become a burned out, lazy, apathetic, insecure, high strung, and helpless individual. I even chose a career field where I am guaranteed to make less with a Bachelors degree than I would have without one. I just want to die. I fantasize about it more and more. I've considered ways to do it. I imagine how nice it would be just to go to sleep and never wake up and then I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore. I would just cease to exist. I'm seeing a counselor and a support group. It obviously has not helped much. I recently spent 4 days in bed instead of doing my homework. I feel like my existence is just a waste of resources. I'm a social worker and I've taken Crisis Intervention. However, when you are out of options then there just isn't much you can do. I just don't see my life getting any better. I never imagined my life would be like this at 25. I'm an adult and yet I feel like a helpless child. I haven't even had a romantic relationship that has lasted longer than a week. I'm truly pathetic in every way. I don't mean that to sound so self deprecating but if I met someone else who was in my position I can't say I wouldn't feel that way about them. I'm not going to tell anyone how I feel because they will just Baker Act me and I'll end up before some judge who will send me back home because the hospital is too full and underfunded to deal with me. It would be a waste of time and money and I figure if I am going to kill myself then I'm not going to fuck it up and have everyone think I was just out to get attention. So I guess I have some questions for you people... Why shouldn't I kill myself? What do I have to live for at this point? I mean seriously, a life of poverty and dealing with other people's problems when I can't even handle my own? Why is my life so futile? Why can't I take care of myself like an adult? Why do I have to rely on others? Why am I always so fucking helpless? Why am I so afraid of the world and living as an adult? What can I do at this point?