I'm out of options

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sisyphus, Nov 15, 2010.

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  1. Sisyphus

    Sisyphus Member

    I'm depressed. I have been this way now for 5 months, maybe more. I spend most of my time in my bed in my apartment and I usually only venture out for food or to go to class or to meet my counselor and his group. I'm in a Masters program and I have a Bachelors degree in Social Work. Right now I don't seem to be in a position to deal with other people's problems.

    I lead a shitty childhood and was abused, neglected, and abandoned and that is largely why I chose to go into social work. My grandmother took me in when I was 13; she was the only person who really cared about me and she ended up with breast cancer which metastasized into bone cancer and she died about a year and half ago. About 6 months ago I found out that my Great Aunt, who got power of attorney over my grandfather, had taken money that had been promised to me for school and lent it out to her own children and other family. I'm now expected to pay all my own student loans which will amount to around 40K when I am done. I have an aunt and uncle in this part of the country who borrowed 30K to pay for their daughter's wedding and they have insisted they will help me out. I don't want their money and I absolutely hate that I am forced into a position where I need it.

    Every day I try to pull my head out of my ass. Some days I feel downright euphoric. But no matter how hard I try to be positive, I end up feeling incredibly sad. I have nothing. I moved across the country to go to this program so I have no friends. I haven't really felt like making any. I don't feel like I can trust anyone. I have become a burned out, lazy, apathetic, insecure, high strung, and helpless individual. I even chose a career field where I am guaranteed to make less with a Bachelors degree than I would have without one. I just want to die. I fantasize about it more and more. I've considered ways to do it. I imagine how nice it would be just to go to sleep and never wake up and then I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore. I would just cease to exist.

    I'm seeing a counselor and a support group. It obviously has not helped much. I recently spent 4 days in bed instead of doing my homework. I feel like my existence is just a waste of resources. I'm a social worker and I've taken Crisis Intervention. However, when you are out of options then there just isn't much you can do. I just don't see my life getting any better. I never imagined my life would be like this at 25. I'm an adult and yet I feel like a helpless child. I haven't even had a romantic relationship that has lasted longer than a week. I'm truly pathetic in every way. I don't mean that to sound so self deprecating but if I met someone else who was in my position I can't say I wouldn't feel that way about them. I'm not going to tell anyone how I feel because they will just Baker Act me and I'll end up before some judge who will send me back home because the hospital is too full and underfunded to deal with me. It would be a waste of time and money and I figure if I am going to kill myself then I'm not going to fuck it up and have everyone think I was just out to get attention.

    So I guess I have some questions for you people...

    Why shouldn't I kill myself?
    What do I have to live for at this point? I mean seriously, a life of poverty and dealing with other people's problems when I can't even handle my own?
    Why is my life so futile?
    Why can't I take care of myself like an adult? Why do I have to rely on others? Why am I always so fucking helpless? Why am I so afraid of the world and living as an adult?
    What can I do at this point?
  2. poison

    poison Well-Known Member

    Why shouldn't I kill myself? - that is for you to decide, and only you to decide. if you want to keep living, then you should keep living. make goals, find something to involve yourself deeply within (even if it is a mere distraction), etc etc etc.

    What do I have to live for at this point? - that is largely something you need to find out for yourself. FIND something to live for.

    Why is my life so futile? - all life is futile, from a nihilistic point of view. existence is intrinsically pointless and it can be hard to find meaning sometimes.

    Why can't I take care of myself like an adult? Why do I have to rely on others? Why am I always so fucking helpless? Why am I so afraid of the world and living as an adult? - you're clearly depressed... depression can do that to you. :hug:

    What can I do at this point? - just hold on and keep fighting. i know that is banal and may seem insincere, but i think that's all you can do at this point.

    you sound like a very intelligent, genuine person. best of luck.
  3. Sisyphus

    Sisyphus Member

    That was an honest answer. I didn't expect it. The only thing that has probably kept me alive this long is that I did not want to make a choice. I think I'm a bit of a coward. It takes courage to get up over and over and over again. At some point I just want to say enough is enough. I've carried more than my fair share in this life already. And at this point, my own fucking family, the people I should be able to trust most in this world, stabbed me in the back. Maybe my family needed that money more than me, but I never had a choice. They took that away from me!

    I know there are children in the chemo wards at hospitals who are fighting every day to survive and they have it much worse than I do. The fact that I am this absorbed in my own self pity has not escaped me. If anything it tells me I'm just too damn immature to be worth anything. '

    I'm not even sure what things are worth living for at this point. Part of me really does want to find something. I just find it so hard to care about anything or anybody anymore. It feels like the only decision I have left is whether or not I kill myself. Maybe that is why it is so attractive right now. It's a choice that nobody can take away from me. I mean how pathetic do you have to be that just the thought that you can decide to kill yourself is empowering? Deciding to go on living seems considerably less attractive. It means more of the same. More getting fucked over by people. More having your dreams squashed. More having to live with yourself. Even choosing not to choose is a choice because nothing changes.

    Why isn't there a fucking answer? Who the hell decided to put it all on my shoulders? Why do I have to decide whether my life is worth living? It's idiotic. I'm gonna die someday, so why not sooner than later?

    Why couldn't I have been born a stupid animal that just went about doing what it could to survive until it was eaten by some bigger animal? If there was a God, then only the souls he really hated would have been born human.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 15, 2010
  4. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    have you tried medication for your depression? i believe in trying it all before you go for the option of suicide. what do you have to lose.
  5. Sisyphus

    Sisyphus Member

    Antidepressants aren't any better than placebos.
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