Well tommorows the day, I would be dead by now but my mother was in tonight, Lifes given me too many blows to the head in all areas in my life, I feel like everytime I try to get my life on track its like getting off the floor with a swarm of people kicking you back down, i'm tired of of it and I just want out before I get hurt even more. I'm only 16 and I know others will of had it worse, but i've been physically ill for nearly 5 years, its ruined my teenage years, I've tried to deny it, fight it, get healthy, i've done everything, everything from thinking positive at all times, strictly eating healthy, body building.. everything. But my body seems to have given up, I'm ill all the time and it seems clear I can't do anything about, in this time of extreme physical illness my mind has gone to shit and I would honestly consider myself insane. I am not a normal person, I can't function normally in everyday life, I'm screwed up, I'm just one of those "ill kids" thats at home most of the time, I've faught with every breath, i've made myself get into college, get a job, go out with friends, but its too much of a struggle, theres always illness mentally and physically kicking me back down to the ground, my bodys improved slightly over the 4.5 years, but my minds dramatically spiraled, I can't cope with life one more day. I've gotten to the point where suicide doesn't even sadden me anymore, I don't want to die, I want the life I visualise, but after trying for all of my teen years Its obvious my reality isn't that of a normal teens, when I look back on my life, my goals, my social life, my health, I can't believe how low i've gone, its ruined beyond repair, my health isn't improving and the emotional damage i've gone through these past years is unrepairable, I've stayed positive, i've distracted myself, i've pushed myself, i've rested, i've stayed hopeful, i've done everything for years, i've looked to medicine, i've looked to god, I'm hurting so much that I just want to cry but i'm so dead inside that I don't even cry anymore, goodbye cruel world, you've inflicted more pain in my life then I ever thought possible.