Im not even sure where to start on explaining but it's like some of the things that have made me feel low have come together and although im trying, i dont seem to find answers and solutions. Im 33, male, in the UK, my mum died last year due to a mistake made while she was in hospital, i live with my dad, he's an alcoholic, i have never moved out of the home (i know it's ridiculous at my age) my last girlfriend was about 5 years ago. I currently have no actual friends, as in people you would go out somewhere with. Im not that way where you reach a point of not looking after yourself or not being interested in the opposite sex, im very self conscious, do want a girlfriend but im not socialising, do even want at least one child with a girlfriend in the future, i want usual things like a home, car, a holiday etc, i dont want to be on my own so i know it's not like i desire what i currently have. Im self employed but currently struggling, ive been self employed for about 2 years, i work online, over those two years i have just been scraping by, barely managing to pay bills, i have some credit card debt, nothing huge but a few thousand, some weeks, like this week for example ive made next to no money, so i even went out today to visit a past employer to see if i could provide an internet marketing service for his site but he wasn't there, spoke to a guy i had worked with there and he told me the owner rarely is at work now because of a serious bowel disease. I bought the local paper to look for a job but theres next to nothing in it at the moment (currently in a recession here in the UK) im even considering applying for benefits next week but that makes me feel like i will be taking another step backwards. Earlier in the week i phoned an aunt (my mums sister) i thought the conversation would be more pleasant, i was expecting a feeling of support from her, like a bit of a boost, instead i came off the phone with a feeling of shock and disappointment, she came across like she didn't care if she ever see's me again. There is an inquest into my mums death which i and my family need to attend a few days before this christmas. My dad isn't the type of man i can talk to about problems, my older sister and her husband i stopped talking to months ago because they crossed the line i guess you could say too many times. My younger sister is a terrible listener and focused on herself so i cant realistically go to her either. I try and stay optimistic and live in hope a lot, i do my online work 7 days a week, till late at night too, as you can imagine though, in real life, unlike the movies, opportunities dont fall into your lap so even the small amounts of money that i do make online are hard earned. I dont cry very often, tonight i cried, i could feel it building up, the last time that i cried was last year around the time of my mums death, but even tonight i feel like i didn't cry enough, the emotion to me feels like it's from the combination of things that i have mentioned above, from my mums death, to money concerns, bills, a bit of lonliness too i think. My younger sister said to me before that she would crack up if she stayed in as much as i do. And i dont drink, dont smoke, dont mess with drugs or anything, the only thing i do find myself having to use often is headache pills because through eyestrain (computer use) and stress and worry i get headaches. I feel like im able to show a different me to the public, i look after my appearance, im quite happy with my facial features etc, i even get smiles off women, double looks etc (and no im not bragging) im extremely modest and i know im never the type to be full of myself, it's like in my mind i have the constant concerns, which are of course about very real issues, i feel i maybe hide it well, i sometimes smile or laugh more during a conversation with my younger sister, as if to make sure she doesn't find out how i really feel and to pretend that im strong about everything. To be honest at the moment im scared, very scared about how i will increase my income, and although people might say thats not the thing to focus on, well to me it's of much focus because it's essential for the essentials, food, bills, clothing etc. Im not a lazy person, when im not doing my online work im trying to learn programming languages, i do have interests in music, comedy, world issues so i dont feel that ive reached that empty stage. It's like i care so much, i want to succeed, i want to do well, but currently it's like the more effort i put in the harder everything is becomming, i sit with a pen and paper at times to try and come up with realistic business ideas but i just cant seem to get it right at the moment. Some days i crave some human affection. Im sorry this is so long, i could carry on typing, right now my head quite literally hurts.