im planning on killing myself pretty soon

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by kylowhex, Jul 2, 2016.

  1. kylowhex

    kylowhex Member

    im 27 years old. Ive survived allot of bad things and im tired of fighting all the time. Everything worth living for i lost. Sometimes i think about the eternal blackness and nothingness and how doomed i would be, but i know in my heart the pain of everything ive seen hurts more then knowing i would never see or feel anything again.

    I just want to feel a connection with someone else who feels the same because it would be nice.

    Im in vancouver canada right now and i have the long weekend off work. Im getting paid 450$(loa) to do nothing for three days.

    i goof around allot at work but inside im not playing. I know its over
     
  2. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hey Kylo, I'm sure many people on this forum feel similar and can relate. Was there something specific that happened recently to make you feel this way? I've suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life, so I definetly can relate.
    I tried many antidepressants before finding one that helped, at least a little bit. Have you spoken to your doctor about how you feel and have you been diagnosed with anything like depression? Anyway, welcome to the Forum, there are a lot of good people here that will support you if you'd like. Take care
    Brian
     
  3. kylowhex

    kylowhex Member

    When i was a kid i was in and out of sergery until i was 15..my whole childhood. I didnt even go to school in grade 6 because i would just start crying and walk away. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and didnt speak much. After that i fucked up my life.

    Recently i took off to south america and got high on cocaine for months straight, then came back to canada and got my old job back. I didnt plan on really surviving the trip down south either to be honest. I didnt even tell anyone i was leaving. I didnt even tell my boss i was going i just didnt show up one day and dissapeared.

    Before the trip i lost a freind.
     
  4. kylowhex

    kylowhex Member

    i keep going to the gym trying to lift more weight and i keep working trying to save more money but none of it matters. It only attracts materialistic leeches and snakes into your life anyway.
     
  5. kylowhex

    kylowhex Member

    My dreams are even filled with violence. Killing, running, chasing, fighting. And NO im not on meds. Im not mentally ill i dont need them. Im just dealing with the residual effects of my life experiences. I am completely ok and sane for somebody in my position. Dying isnt an illogical choice.
     
  6. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    I understand school problems, I had depression back then too, but they didn't pay much attention or treat it. I also just Detoxed from opiate pain meds a few months back, that wasn't easy, but I was at the point of cashing out too. They're hard to kick and leave you even more depressed and anxious. It's good you're working out that usually helps a bit. Also I can relate to the materialistic women, had a few of them, even married one that almost left me bankrupt.
    Sounds like you're a good worker for your boss to take you back after your surprise trip. Have you seen a doc or therapist recently, I'd give it a shot and see how it goes.
     
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, many of us here can relate to your thoughts and feelings, please know we do care and do not want you to harm yourself.I am the same age as you, I think you should reconsider going on medications, I'm no doctor but it might help your depression. You sound very intelligent and with it but yeah its the luck of the draw, depression can affect anyone unfortunately. Hugs to you, I really hope things get better.
     
  8. Wow,your the same age as me and you kinda describe how I feel im also done fighting and trying to survive.
     
  9. kylowhex

    kylowhex Member

    I dont see how paying somebody to care what you feel like makes any sense......its like renting a freind to give a fuck. Then when you cant pay them they wont see you anymore.

    If i had any real friends it would be ok, its to bad i dont and i spend all my time alone. I see how the world is and i have nobody left to impress, in the work truck i usually act like a goof and make ppl laugh with crazy jokes n shit.....probly at the expense of my real potential growth in the place i work. Self preservation isnt on my list of shit to lock down.

    Im done tryin to impress anyone, fuck anyones opinion. And fuck seeing a therapist who cant relate to my life, they can give there pre-meditated responses and reactions to someone else. I need realness.
     
  10. kylowhex

    kylowhex Member

    if you feel it only at night youll be alright, if you want to die when you wake......then your probly gonna do it.
     
  11. kylowhex

    kylowhex Member

    i think you should reconsider how fake medications and therapists are.

    Do you even have anyone real in your life that shows you unconditional love?

    people are so brainwashed into thinking there freinds/ family are real. Most ppl are fake as fuck. Have fun getting burned