I'm pregnant and...

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Verity, Jul 28, 2011.

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  1. Verity

    Verity Member

    I don't cut, but I scratch as a form of self harm and I have been for years. I have a daughter who is 8 months old now. I never do this in her presence, but I'm in such pain in my life and relationship. I feel like nothing I ever do will be good enough. My husband has a borderline personality disorder and he lies and he's walked out on us a few times. He left me 2 days before our first baby was born on Thanksgiving last November. When he's gone it's because his paranoia and anxiety makes him have thoughts of me cheating and it becomes like a reality for him so he was worried the baby wasn't his. He does and says things he doesn't mean constantly and switches personalities basically when he leaves. When he comes back it's hard for me to understand this disorder and I always feel more and more like something is wrong with me. Maybe this person isn't capable of love? If so, why would he keep coming back and marry me now? I feel so alone and so worthless because I can't fix things or make him better and I feel like it's my fault. It's so hard to not want to hurt myself, but I can't hurt my baby, so I just cry and let the pain flow until I feel empty. I just needed somewhere to go and talk about it, so I found this forum...I don't know what to do with my life or what there is to it. I can't even bring myself to take care of my kid and the people who live with me help me out a lot because I can't care as much as I want to when I'm so emotionally distraught. I wish I wasn't such a bad mother and person for how I feel. I wish I felt I can ever get the love, honestly, and dedication from the man and family I love so desperately. :lost: :blub:
     
  2. oval

    oval Well-Known Member

    hello verity, welcome to the forums!
    theres nothing you can do to "fix" your hubby. and theres absolutely nothing wrong with you for it.
    only specialists can help people with BPD and improve their symtoms. it must be very hard on you though, esspecially with the child(ren soon) of yours.
    you seem to turn everything that is wrong around you against yourself and believe me when i say that even though you may feel like a bad person and even bad mother, you arent. even if i dont know you, i bet that you are a great mother to your little one. why do you think you are a bad mother? bc you feel overwhelmed with the situation as a whole? a person can only take so much.
    is your husband in some sort of therapy? you should talk to a therapist as well if possible, to talk about your feelings of inadequacy
     
  3. Verity

    Verity Member

    I went to a psychiatrist for a little while after my baby was born, but I couldn't open up to someone that way who doesn't even know what it's like to be in my place.... My husband has never seen someone. He wants to, but he has no coverage medically and we can't afford it. I just feel like a bad mom because I can't bring myself to take care of her or get my mind off of the things that are hurting me so much sometimes because I've been through a lot. He was with me 3 years and then just left me alone to have a baby he wanted in the first place and I just lost it. I'm only 21 so it was just hard having her on my own when I'd never even held a child while he walked around talking bad about me because he thought I cheated on him and then when we finally spoke to each other and he cried and told me he was depressed it just makes me so confused I never know what to believe because I don't know how BPD really works. I read that the more you care for someone if you have BPD the more you self sabotage and he really does. I don't even think he does it on purpose, he just thinks I will abandon him so he comes up with so many irrational fears. I just feel like it's all my fault because I can't make him see how I feel. Thank you for replying BTW I was nervous about posting in the first place.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yes as stated hun there is NOTHING WRONG with you Your husband needs to get therapy needs to get stable so he can be there for you and your children hun If you are being made to feel less then you are then maybe it is time to get marriage therapy as well so your husband can see where he is a fault i do hope you reach out to your doctors okay talk to them let them know how much pressure you are under It is important to take care of YOU now okay and let your husband take care of himself I would focus on you and your children now okay your husband needs therapy i hope he listens and get some
     
  5. Verity

    Verity Member

    Thank you again. Like I said in the other forum. I just am scared to talk to anyone because I fear when I say what has happened to me and how he or anyone else treats me wrong I become so ashamed of myself. I feel as though when someone hurts me or abuses me it is my fault because I must be inadequate since they are not happy with me. I've always felt a need to be "perfect" since I was a little kid and it's so hard for me to stand up and say someone hurt me because I just wasn't good enough for them and I feel so at fault. I really wish I could do more, but I have just given up and now I don't even try.
     
  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hiya Verity,

    I might be just a conscious observer in this thread since I don't know you, but this post got to me in a way that I can't explain. For one, I think it's very interesting that your username has something to do with the truth since, like you said, your word has the root ver- that means truth. I hope you eventually can open up here and then in real life to people who can support you through these trying times. One step at a time, baby steps... :) I believe in hope.

    Since you said it's hard to find coverage for any psychiatric or psychologist appointments, I don't see any other option than to open up to loved ones that you know (family, friends, etc. - loved ones).

    I know you love your husband, but your posts make me question just how healthy your relationship with him is (his BPD etc. remains untreate and whether anything can change for the betterment of your health if he cannot get help anytime soon. Your scratching, while not new for you, is worrying (sort of like a harbinger).

    Anyways, I'll stop here.

    Wish you the best ;),

    Mr. Alex
     
  7. Verity

    Verity Member

    Hi Alex.. I agree with you. Yes, Verity is something I sort of use as a nickname to make me feel like there is something real in my life. It's the only thing I know and have that means truth. It's sad to say, but everything in my life seems like it's full of lies and falsity, so it is that which makes it hard to go on sometimes. I must wonder what the point is of life if nothing seems real? Thank you for the well wishes, I can use them as many as I can find.
     
  8. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Truthfully, from my point of view, not everything's a lie in your world. First, you are true, imperfect, and real; your post on SF here shows that. The fact that you came here shows that society and your life are bothering you, but you have taken one step forward to finding some closure and living a life that you can call "real." In that regard, I could hazard to say that you have an inner light that is waiting to shine now that you realize what your life is like from your experience, through your unique perspective lens. What's going on in your life may feel like a nightmare to you, though, and that's what worries me.
     
  9. Verity

    Verity Member

    It really does feel like a nightmare and I have them every day. I really can't stand so many people who harness lies and misconstrued details as a form of survival. Does that make sense? I'm a very honest person and in a world like this it's really hard to stay sane when I don't understand why people can't just be real and be their selves and open up. It is starting to make me scared to do the same.
     
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Verity truth your children are apart of that truth one inside you and one that is born already they are your truth hun I know you feel so small sometimes insignificant but it is not true hun YOU matter okay to your children to others around you you are someone very special i too can see that hugs
     
  11. Verity

    Verity Member

    *hugz* Thank you. I really try so hard but I cant seem to find anyone in this world who truly has hope left in them. Even my husband doesn't seem like he will ever be able to recover from the junk from his childhood and other times in his life. It hurts me to see the one person I love most suffer and never experience real love all because of a mental problem caused so by many years of pain. It saddens me to know I may lose him and he may lose his family because he can't find it in himself to be a better person because he's so scared no one else will. Funny thing is I know just how he feels. :(
     
  12. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I understand; that makes two of us, and others will join in I bet! Honesty to me seems to be a rare thing in the world today, and I think some would agree. I hope you continue to be kind to yourself and stay proud that you are being honest with yourself. :)

    I'm proud of you for that reason. Yes, yes, I barely know you, but I'm proud just the same. Sappy, huh? ;)

    :hugtackles:
     
  13. Verity

    Verity Member

    It actually is appreciated. I realized when my husband left the last time that he had not in all the 3 years we been together told me he was proud of me. No matter how hard I try to make him see, it never seems enough and I guess it's because of his illness. Maybe it isn't entirely his fault, but I feel like there's not much effort. It is, after all, still partially our will. :hugtackles: It's always nice to think something about you is worthy of being proud of.
     
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