I'm pretty sure I deserved this one... :/

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by lovelessnikki, May 15, 2011.

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  1. lovelessnikki

    lovelessnikki New Member

    I'm sorry this is long, and it seems more like a confession more than anything.... I just need to get this out. I need to clear my head. I can't keep hiding this inside, it's eating me alive... I apologize for the typos, everythings such a blur and as soon as I get into the details I'll probably start crying or getting emotional, so I'm sorry...

    Yesterday morning, me and my boyfriend got into a HUGE fight. In which he said some really hurtful things. I spent the rest of the day in the house, depressed listening to music, etc.. I was really lonely. So I got on facebook, put up a status about how I was bored and I wish someone would text me.
    I did get a text that night, from someone kind of unexpected. We flirt alot in school, but it's nothing serious. He's a senior on the football team, they're all flirts. I've known him since middle school, so it's pretty easy to decipher when he's just being flirty and telling me the same thing that he's telling everyone else, from when he's actually being sincere.
    Anyway, he texted me and we got into a little conversation about how it was saturday night and neither of us were doing absoloutely nothing, and he finally said "you could always come over and keep me company :)". His reputation is pretty bad and he is pretty...touchy.. so I told him over, and over, and over, and OVER again that having sex was completely out of the question. It seemed as though he understood. So I got there, and it was innocent at first. We watched a couple movies on his bed, the entire time he was kind of feeling me up but it was really subtle. Nothing agressive, he was really gentle with it, and he is a touchy-feely type of person. Not to mention he didnt really make me uncomfortable. But then he started stroking my hair, and he tried kissign me. He was relentless, but it was almost cute. Eventually I gave in, it was hard to resist. I kissed him 2 or 3 times and then realized how wrong I was because of my boyfriend. I told him this, and he was being REALLY understanding. Then we went back to watching the movie, and he came out of nowhere and said he doesnt understand why I'm with my boyfriend. How I'm too beautiful to be treated like this, and how he's liked me since 7th grade. I dismissed it and kept trying to change the subject. We ended up cuddling for about an hour, and I fell asleep. I was in front of him, and he was behind me, and as I was falling asleep he started stroking my hair again. Once again, I dismissed this, and pretended like I was sill sleeping. He was feeling me up again, but this time more aggressively. I dismissed this too, hoping he would see I was sleep and stop.
    He then moved up closer to me, and I felt his ....... you know, on my back. I was shocked, I didn't know exactly what to do. So I woke up, laughed, jokingly told him that he was a pervert, and put a pillow between us. He laughed too, apologized, moved the pillow, and his .... and I went back to sleep. Then about, 2 hours later, when I was actually sleeping, he's stroking my hair again. Then he tilted my face over and kissed me. I dodged his kiss because I was half sleep, and I had no idea what was going on. He started kissing on my neck, and went down eventually to my chest. He tried to move my shirt (i was wearing a cami, so it wasnt that hard) and I tried stopping his hand. But he aws way stronger then me. He started......yeah and then made his ay down. I finally got up and told him to stop it. He ONCE AGAIN apologized, and I offered to sleep on the sofa.
    He said it was fine, he'll sleep on the floor if it made me more comfortable. He apologized again like 6 times. I went back to sleep, and then yet again, he was in bed with me, kissing my neck. He turned me over so he could get on top of me. I tried to pusdh him off, and I told him to stop. I tried to put my hjands down by my stomach so thath e couldnt hold them down, and I tried to push him up by his stomach, but I felt his ...... was out. I finally yelled Adam what are you doing? And I told him I didnt want to do this and I was going home. He just kept kissing me, I tried to push him offo f me but with ease he held me rightb ack down.
    This bastard even had the nerve to pull out and. ..... on my stomach.
    I awsi n shock. I just laid there. I feel disgusting. I feel....I just feel horrible. I could have stopped this. I feel like I deserved this. The entire time he did this, I laid there. I could have been kicking and screaming, pushing him harder or something., But no, I just laid there. How could I just lay there and let him do that to me? I'm weak. I'm a failure. Even afte he was done, I just laid there. I couldnt go home because the buses had stopped running and I live all the way across town. So I had no choice but to lay there. I laid there crying, facing the otehr way s thath e couldnt , and he put his arm around me and told me I was beatuiful and went t osleep. I got no sleep. The next morning, he kissed me, gave me a hoodie, and he drove me home. He didn't say a word to me on the way to my house. He didnt even give me a hug or anything, no apology, nothing.
    I feel disgusting in so many ways.
    I feel disgusting for going over there, I feel disgusting for laying in bed with him, I feel disgusting for not fighting back, I feel disgusting for cheating on my boyfriend.
    I just wish I could take everything all back.
    Everything inside of me just feels empty. It's so hard not to cut. I'm numb, I'm emotionless. I havent left my room all day. All I want to do is shower, anmd sleep I've showered 8 times today(no exaggeration). And I will probably shower more, because I feel DISGUSTING. I have 3 classes with him tomorrow, I have no idea what I'm going to do.
     
  2. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    Re: I'm pretty sure I deserved tihs one... :/

    You did not deserve this. NO-ONE deserves to be raped. and that's what it was, it was rape. You said no, he did not listen. It doesn't matter that you didn't punch or kick back, you were probably in shock, it certainly does not mean you wanted him to rape you. You have no reason to be sorry, you have no reason to feel disgusting. He should be sorry, he should feel disgusting because he is a rapist. To be honest, I'd reacommend you report him. To the police, to your high school, make him pay for what he did to you. if you don't feel ready for that yet, tell a friend. Tell someone. They won't judge you, this was not your fault. This was rape, and rape is wrong. I'm not going to say it'll be easy, but it will help you to do something. It will help you to confide in someone. I hope you can come to terms with this soon, and I hope that you are never victimised again. :hug:
     
  3. lovelessnikki

    lovelessnikki New Member

    Re: I'm pretty sure I deserved tihs one... :/

    Thank you, for understanding. :)
    I do understand that this was rape, and that I did say no, however I feel like if I didn't lead him on I wouldnt be in this situation. -sigh-
    The guy I was talking about in the story, actually left flowers in my locker this morning. I'm so confused. I don't know what he's trying to do! I don't know what to think, he's being so sweet to me, I don't understand why! I don't want to talk to him but, the other half of me is almost falling for his sweet tactics. I'm really confused :(

    Also, it's hard to confide in my friends. I don't really trust any of them, and I'm sure they'd all think that I "deserved" it anyways. I'll feel extremely judged. I wish it wasnt like that, but sadly it is. I thought about reporting him to the school, but we're 2 weeks away from graduation, and I goto a really strict Catholic school...they'd kick him out and he wouldn't be able to graduate. With the way my school is, I'd probably get a demerit or something for having it publically known that I "had" sex.
    I wish things werent so hard.
     
  4. lancashirelass

    lancashirelass Well-Known Member

    Re: I'm pretty sure I deserved tihs one... :/

    This was not your fault at all hun you said no and he didn't listen. Don't ever think it was your fault you need to report him and then get some councilling. I know how it feels to think it's your fault. He was stronger than you and sometimes we think i should of done this, that the other but in that situation you did what you did because you were scared and nothing would of stopped him. If you need to talk i am here for you. *hugs*
     
  5. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    Re: I'm pretty sure I deserved tihs one... :/

    Leading someone on is not an excuse for them to rape you. It doesn't matter how sweet he is being to you, he raped you, he just wants you to keep quiet and maybe see if he can set you up to exploit you further. Don't let him. It might sound scary, but you will be okay. As long as you don't give in to him, don't let him manipulate you, you'll be fine. If he controlled you, you wouldn't even recognise he raped you. He does not control you. You might be worried about what your friends will think, but they do not control you either. Don't let what you think they will feel stop you from helping yourself.

    Your school shouldn't stop you either. Their fear of your sexuality should not stop you from telling your story. If you're really worried about your school not understanding, tell the police. They are there to help you. The police will help you, and if your school try to punish you for telling the truth then the police will protect you from them too. If they try to discipline you for making yourself heard, that is illegal. That is threatening a witness. If you report the rape, they can't use it to fail you your year. And don't worry about whether that jerk will be kicked out, he raped you. He deserves to go to prison, let alone just fail the year.

    In the end, you do what you can, if you can't report it now, tell someone. I didn't, and I still regret it. I still cannot tell anyone. It will get easier if you tell someone, use them as an escape valve for the pressure within you. It doesn't have to be someone you're close friends with, it just has to be someone who won't spread it around. Just talking online helps, but from what others have told me of their experiences, knowing someone else knows, really knows and you can see they care, because they will care, that is a real help. I hope you find someone who cares. :hug:

    -edit-
    just an extra thought. You might not want to tell someone, especially not in your personal life. The why, that's difficult, sometimes you can't explain why you don't want to talk, you just don't. Well that feeling will always be there. For as long as you bottle things up, they can't escape, the best thing you can do for yourself is release those emotions. Lets say you decide that you don't want to tell the police, you don't want anyone you know to ever find out that you are a victim. Well there is still one release. Tell a doctor. I assume you live in america. I'm not sure if you have a family doctor, but I wouldn't go to them if you were so worried about people knowing. Go to the nearest emergency room, or the nearest free clinic. Talk to a doctor there, or a nurse, because they will act as a release just as well as anyone else. Tell them, they might refer you to a psychiatrist who can help you move past this, or just telling them could give you the courage to tell others, to tell the police, to do whatever you need to feel better. Because in the end, that's what doctors do, they make you feel better. If none of your other options appeal to you, go to a professional. They will help you, and doctor-patient confidentiality means they are gauranteed to keep quiet for as long as you want. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I hope something I or someone on this forum has said or will say can convince you to do what is best for you. again :hug:s
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 16, 2011
  6. CelticAngel

    CelticAngel Member

    Re: I'm pretty sure I deserved tihs one... :/

    You didn't deserve this. No one deserves this, and he is entirely in the wrong. Is there someone you can talk to? I understand it can be painful and humilating, but it might help. If you want to report him to the school, remember you're not responsible for his wellbeing- hell, he didn't show any respect for yours. If you want to report him, and it would help, then go ahead. They shouldn't really discipline you, it's not your fault, you told him no. Regardless of whether you went to his house, and let him hug you, you said no. You never asked him for sex, in fact you explicitly told him before going over that it wasn't an option. It's not your fault.

    As for not fighting back, I can relate here. I myself slept after my incident, and left the next day. Don't blame yourself- sometimes there is just nothing you can do, whether you are exhausted or shellshocked, or unable to get home.

    I really hope you'll be okay. If you can tell someone, anyone who will listen, it can help. I was lucky enough to be able to share some of my experience with my parents, but if you have anyone you can talk to, it can really help. I hope it will turn out okay for you <3
     
  7. lovelessnikki

    lovelessnikki New Member

    Re: I'm pretty sure I deserved tihs one... :/

    Thank you all!!! So much you haven o idea what your understanding and support means to me. :)
    It makes me feel so much better to talk to people who have gone thru the same thing, people who know what they're talking about and genuninely care!! I did take the advice of going to my school about it, *surprisingly* they were very understanding and compassionate. They're offering my councelling, and offered to change my schedule since I still have class with him. I declined the schedule change because we have 2 weeks until graduation...I don't want to get off track. They also because the assault didn't happen "on school grounds" and there's no phsyical evidence there's nothing that they can do about, btu they said they will support my decision if I decide to goto the police and will coroborate(sp?) my story and do whatever they can. If it wasnt for SF I wouldnt've had the courage to goto the school in the first place!
    On another note, he's going right back to acting like he did before it happened. Joking with me in class, etc....it's so weird. I hate him. Just seeing him makes me mad, and I have 3 classes with him. Thank GOD we graduate in 2 weeks!!!
    I'm thinking about telling my friend, the only friend I have that I think will understand because she's gone thru pretty much the same thing. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow, I'm praying and hoping that it will go well!
     
  8. plshelpme

    plshelpme Well-Known Member

    Re: I'm pretty sure I deserved tihs one... :/

    You should definitely tell your friend! You will be amazed by how supportive she will be! I'm glad u went to the school, and I hope you will go to the police. You will not regret it, although it won't be easy...you will have to tell your story over and over again, which sounds horrible, but it will help you heal. This kid deserves to be punished, and if he keeps getting away with this, he will keep raping other girls and get better at covering his tracks. I hope you can find the strength to report him...I admire your courage in telling the school (a catholic school, for crying out loud)! Also, if you find the opportunity, kick him really hard in the balls...as hard as you can...
     
  9. MLKane

    MLKane Well-Known Member

    Re: I'm pretty sure I deserved tihs one... :/

    I'm really happy that you found the strength to tell the school, I do hope you go on to speak to the police, but you should definately speak to your friend. The more people who are there to support you, the better for you. You are will be the better person for it, everyone who gives you support is showing that in their own way they love you. I really hope you feel better, maybe not all better, but I hope you can continue to move forward. :hug:
     
  10. lovelessnikki

    lovelessnikki New Member

    Re: I'm pretty sure I deserved tihs one... :/

    Thank you all so much!! :)
    I didn't end up telling that friend yesterday, but I did end up telling my friend Jeremy. I consider him my brother, we've known each other since we were in diapers, and his family is really close with mine, so yeah.
    His first instinct naturally was he wanted to beat the guy up..lol...but eventually he heard me out. He encouraged me to goto the police, which I'm still debating on doing, because going to the police means letting my parents know. And that's just...well...I'm not ready for that yet. But hopefully eventually I'll be ready to take that step.
    Once again thanks SO much!! :D
     
  11. Avarice

    Avarice Well-Known Member

    Re: I'm pretty sure I deserved tihs one... :/

    One thing I don't think anyone else here has touched upon yet is getting yourself checked out. I'm assuming the guy didn't use protection (correct me if I'm wrong), so if that's the case then there's all sorts of diseases he could have passed on to you, not to mention the possibilty of pregnancy. It'll be a scary process but you need to look after your body, especially if he's got a reputation of sleeping around.

    I'm glad you told your school and your friend and hope that you do go to the police about this. There may even be other girls that have been through the same thing from your school as a result of him, so stand up and be strong. You may live to regret it if you don't.
     
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