I'm sorry this is long, and it seems more like a confession more than anything.... I just need to get this out. I need to clear my head. I can't keep hiding this inside, it's eating me alive... I apologize for the typos, everythings such a blur and as soon as I get into the details I'll probably start crying or getting emotional, so I'm sorry... Yesterday morning, me and my boyfriend got into a HUGE fight. In which he said some really hurtful things. I spent the rest of the day in the house, depressed listening to music, etc.. I was really lonely. So I got on facebook, put up a status about how I was bored and I wish someone would text me. I did get a text that night, from someone kind of unexpected. We flirt alot in school, but it's nothing serious. He's a senior on the football team, they're all flirts. I've known him since middle school, so it's pretty easy to decipher when he's just being flirty and telling me the same thing that he's telling everyone else, from when he's actually being sincere. Anyway, he texted me and we got into a little conversation about how it was saturday night and neither of us were doing absoloutely nothing, and he finally said "you could always come over and keep me company ". His reputation is pretty bad and he is pretty...touchy.. so I told him over, and over, and over, and OVER again that having sex was completely out of the question. It seemed as though he understood. So I got there, and it was innocent at first. We watched a couple movies on his bed, the entire time he was kind of feeling me up but it was really subtle. Nothing agressive, he was really gentle with it, and he is a touchy-feely type of person. Not to mention he didnt really make me uncomfortable. But then he started stroking my hair, and he tried kissign me. He was relentless, but it was almost cute. Eventually I gave in, it was hard to resist. I kissed him 2 or 3 times and then realized how wrong I was because of my boyfriend. I told him this, and he was being REALLY understanding. Then we went back to watching the movie, and he came out of nowhere and said he doesnt understand why I'm with my boyfriend. How I'm too beautiful to be treated like this, and how he's liked me since 7th grade. I dismissed it and kept trying to change the subject. We ended up cuddling for about an hour, and I fell asleep. I was in front of him, and he was behind me, and as I was falling asleep he started stroking my hair again. Once again, I dismissed this, and pretended like I was sill sleeping. He was feeling me up again, but this time more aggressively. I dismissed this too, hoping he would see I was sleep and stop. He then moved up closer to me, and I felt his ....... you know, on my back. I was shocked, I didn't know exactly what to do. So I woke up, laughed, jokingly told him that he was a pervert, and put a pillow between us. He laughed too, apologized, moved the pillow, and his .... and I went back to sleep. Then about, 2 hours later, when I was actually sleeping, he's stroking my hair again. Then he tilted my face over and kissed me. I dodged his kiss because I was half sleep, and I had no idea what was going on. He started kissing on my neck, and went down eventually to my chest. He tried to move my shirt (i was wearing a cami, so it wasnt that hard) and I tried stopping his hand. But he aws way stronger then me. He started......yeah and then made his ay down. I finally got up and told him to stop it. He ONCE AGAIN apologized, and I offered to sleep on the sofa. He said it was fine, he'll sleep on the floor if it made me more comfortable. He apologized again like 6 times. I went back to sleep, and then yet again, he was in bed with me, kissing my neck. He turned me over so he could get on top of me. I tried to pusdh him off, and I told him to stop. I tried to put my hjands down by my stomach so thath e couldnt hold them down, and I tried to push him up by his stomach, but I felt his ...... was out. I finally yelled Adam what are you doing? And I told him I didnt want to do this and I was going home. He just kept kissing me, I tried to push him offo f me but with ease he held me rightb ack down. This bastard even had the nerve to pull out and. ..... on my stomach. I awsi n shock. I just laid there. I feel disgusting. I feel....I just feel horrible. I could have stopped this. I feel like I deserved this. The entire time he did this, I laid there. I could have been kicking and screaming, pushing him harder or something., But no, I just laid there. How could I just lay there and let him do that to me? I'm weak. I'm a failure. Even afte he was done, I just laid there. I couldnt go home because the buses had stopped running and I live all the way across town. So I had no choice but to lay there. I laid there crying, facing the otehr way s thath e couldnt , and he put his arm around me and told me I was beatuiful and went t osleep. I got no sleep. The next morning, he kissed me, gave me a hoodie, and he drove me home. He didn't say a word to me on the way to my house. He didnt even give me a hug or anything, no apology, nothing. I feel disgusting in so many ways. I feel disgusting for going over there, I feel disgusting for laying in bed with him, I feel disgusting for not fighting back, I feel disgusting for cheating on my boyfriend. I just wish I could take everything all back. Everything inside of me just feels empty. It's so hard not to cut. I'm numb, I'm emotionless. I havent left my room all day. All I want to do is shower, anmd sleep I've showered 8 times today(no exaggeration). And I will probably shower more, because I feel DISGUSTING. I have 3 classes with him tomorrow, I have no idea what I'm going to do.