I'm raising the bar...*may trigger*

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by riz, Nov 18, 2007.

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  1. riz

    riz Senior Member

    I lost it the other day. I've been relatively safe lately but I just couldn't take control over the situation. I started to cry. I threw a chair. Next thing I know, I'm digging through my bottom drawer for that bottle of vodka and my pills. I knew that I didn't have enough pills to do the job, but I was hoping that they'd react with the vodka or something...I don't know.

    So, I'm on the floor, two shots of vodka down, but changed my mind about the pills. So then, I grabbed a thumb tack from my desk drawer and began to cut a large line on the back of my leg on my upper calf. I went completely nuts. I cut deeper than I thought possible with such a small tool.

    I was bleeding more than I ever had before, but I still kept going. Finally, I was pleased. I let it bleed a bit more, took another two shots of vodka, then lulled myself to sleep listening to my iPod. I woke up feeling pretty shitty, then bandaged my cut and felt uniquely better.

    Sometimes I hate that I take such pleasure in hurting myself. I know that I deserve it, but I feel like it should be someone else's job.

    I've been having these sick thoughts lately. I have dreamed that during sex, my partner would suddenly pull away, grab something sharp, and do the deed for me. Cut me instead of me cutting myself. It's almost a turn on. I guess I wouldn't mind someone taking charge. Twisted. I know.

    To anyone reading this that is a cutter. Do you feel the same rush that I do when cutting? Do you also feel the deep sickness and regret when you're done?

    Just want to know if I'm normal yet.

    *sigh*
     
  2. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Oh yes!! Reading that was almost like reading something I had wrote. The moment when you are cutting you get a release...a release from whatever emotion it is that we are cutting because of. But then as soon as that rush is gone it hits home what we have done and that's when we start to feel guilty and start regretting it.
    Don't panic you are normal :wink:
    Ofcourse the answer for us both is to find something else to use to help us cope other than self-harming .....
     
  3. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    I feel exactly the same way. And every time I'm surprised by just how good it feels.

    :hug: Take care
     
  4. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    i used to feel regret, but somehow i lost it on the way. hurting myself is something that belongs only to me, it`s the onlything mine, so i woudn`t share it with anyone.i feel something intense when i do it, it release me from everthing and yeah, everythinme i go deeper!! take care
     
  5. Smashed__

    Smashed__ Well-Known Member

    I don't cut, but feel exactly the same way.

    I do feel sick, like its a dirty secret and when part of my family found out I was ashamed. Yet I know it helps, I know I'll get that rush everytime, I know I'll feel better, I know I'll do it again... :(
     
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