Im ready to be done with everything

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Cmiles, Jan 25, 2015.

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  1. Cmiles

    Cmiles Member

    Everyday the thing that enters my mind is why do I keep on living. I've come to question every action and thought I have. I used to be happy, I was a very kind person, and I had everything going for me in life. I felt strong, in control, healthy, I just felt amazing. Now I don't know. My mother wound up in jail across the country for some amount of years I don't even know. I've only met my father recently but I don't know I guess he's always had more important things to care about. But all of that was in the past I thought. while things like parents could be taken from me. I found solace in that their was something no one could take from me. School was like my second home, more like a first. The only family I knew all my life was my mother. My mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict. shes been in and out of jail for as long as I've known her. That's really why I love school and education so much. School was the one place I felt safe because when I went home I had to go to that. when we parted ways she took the one thing I cherished most, our dog. I could go on forever about this but its just my background. I've been having chronic sleep loss recently and for the longest time I didn't know what was causing it, until recently. its a long story but I know whats caused it all this time. I just still don't know if I want to live. I usually have great grades but right now I'm flunking out of everything, which just gives me less of a reason to live. It's just hard for me to remember things, and I feel so horrible. At this point I'm trying to see if ill get better if I get more sleep. I just feel like a wreck, like a failure, like I'm incapable of life. Everyday all I think about is whether I should live or not and how I should die.
     
  2. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    you had treatment for sleep?
    sleep therapy is supposed to be good, i hear
     
  3. Cmiles

    Cmiles Member

    I'm seeing a sleep specialist but I don't seem him often. I believe I know what's causing it though. I think I've been too stressed but I've never worried about much. I'very notice a lot that going to the gym really affects my sleep. I'm realizing the gym makes me too stressed. I've tried going g in the morning but I still have trouble at night.
     
  4. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    hmm, what about some lighter exercise?
    how come not often- the therapist?
    what current stressors are you dealing with right at this time?
    whom have you got around you daily
     
  5. Cmiles

    Cmiles Member

    I suppose I could do lighter exercise but it just wouldn't feel like I'd be doing much. I only saw him once and it was two or three weeks ago. All that's planned is a sleep study February 1st. I've seen a school counselor/therapist about it but my sleep was just as problematic as ever. Eventually one day I forgot which day I was supposed to go. I used to have a great memory. Well any stress that I could have would be what I already explained. I was pretty sure it was from the gym. I think it put a lot of stress on my body and I don't think it's healthy to be in the fight or flight response hours on end at the gym. I'm starting to think I've been using the flight or fight response while at the gym or when I'm at school or studying. I know it sounds weird but I think exercise gets it turned on. I think after that I've learned to use it just by the way I think. Perhaps I've been stressing my mind all the time without knowing. I live with my grandparents. I used to talk to them about it but talking about it with them goes nowhere. They either think I'm lying or because I'm to stressed. Any time i talk to them about they just get on my nerves.
     
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