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I'm ready to be done

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#1
I'll be 16 June 5th. I'm not excited, and I wasn't last year or the year before that either. I don't understand the people who practically smack you over the head with their nonstop preaching that every life is valuable and that there's always something worth living longer for. Which is ridiculous, honestly.

I suffer from severe anxiety, several phobias, and OCD. My parents have no faith in my acedemic skills. My friends, all six of them, are never there for me and four of them submit me to systematic verbal torture. One of them ignores me completely, and the other, though I love him to death, lives on another continent and I never get to talk to him. I'm currently in a "friends w/ benefits" relationship purely because I love the guy. He only makes contact with me because he wants sex and knows that because I have feelings for him, I'll do whatever he wants me too. A year ago I was date raped by a guy I had been fooled into believing cared for me. The only thing keeping me from killing myself this minute is the knowledge that my friend C, who lives on that other continent, lost his brother to suicide. His brother committed suicide for stupid reasons because he was shallow and an all-around idiot, and so C is very touchy about suicide and gets angry with me when I talk about how I feel. I just can't take it anymore though. I have no prospects for a future, no job, emotionally neglectful friends and parents, and numerous psychological/emotional problems. I'm not delusional enough to believe I have much hope.
 

Sadeyes

Staff Alumni
#2
Hi and welcome...it sounds like you have been able to get close to people and that is wonderful...and before I forget, happy birthday soon and I hope there is something you can do for yourself to make it a good day...please continue to post and let us know how you are doing...there are many ppl here who relate to what you have written...welcome again, J
 

tweetypie

Antiquities Friend
#3
Im sorry life is so terrible for you at the moment. If you need to talk im here you can message me anytime. I cant fix your life but i can listen :) xx
 

Wanteddead

Account Closed
#4
First off I'm also sorry about your situation, have some faith in yourself and that things will get better. If you ever want to talk to someone feel free to PM me.

You're very young try do your best by having hope for future, years from now you could look back and think wow I was going through a hard time but I'm glad I fought through and boy is it worth it now. What I would do to go back to 16 knowing what I know now.

If you're only being used for friends with benefits you should cut off that relationship. Being used really does suck especially when you want more, and that other person does not. You deserve better I'm sure there are plenty of guys out there who would be more then glad to treat you like the princess or queen that you deserve to be treated like. It will be hard since you do have feelings for him but in the long run it will be worth it. Having no one is better then having some one who isn't willing to give you his all and commit.

Also having friends who submit you to verbal torture are friends that aren't worth having. Tell them you won't stand for that kind of treatment and if that doesn't work you should cut off contact.

That's good you're staying positive about friend C. I suggest you send love and kindness his way(others as well if you want to) when you're feeling downs and it can help you get through the toughest of times.

Sorry if I'm coming off overly positive when you're feeling sad and depressed about your all your problems and life circumstances. I know when someone does that to me it can be a bit bothersome as it's not hard at all to be optimistic about someone else's life.
 
#5
Thanks everyone. I appreciate the kind thoughts. My biggest problem is that I have no strength or self esteem or any emotional fortitude that I need to be "strong". It's awful hard to have faith in myself when I'm do weak, though.
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#6
Hun if you can hold on to your parents okay they care sometimes they don't know how to show it but they love you. Also get rid of the group of people you are with that are abusing you verbally they are not friends
The friends with benefits time to loose him too all that relationship will bring you is more heartache
You deserve to have friends that will treat you right a bf that will love you not use you okay
of course you self esteem is low no wonder but if you can join a new group a new activity a new sport and meet new people okay leave the past behind and move forward in a different direction.
New activities new friends new outlook okay hugs to you You have the world ahead of you please find away to be safe
Medication therapy all good tools to bring you stability and happiness as well.
 

Autumn01

Well-Known Member
#7
I'll be 16 June 5th. I'm not excited, and I wasn't last year or the year before that either. I don't understand the people who practically smack you over the head with their nonstop preaching that every life is valuable and that there's always something worth living longer for. Which is ridiculous, honestly.

I suffer from severe anxiety, several phobias, and OCD. My parents have no faith in my acedemic skills. My friends, all six of them, are never there for me and four of them submit me to systematic verbal torture. One of them ignores me completely, and the other, though I love him to death, lives on another continent and I never get to talk to him. I'm currently in a "friends w/ benefits" relationship purely because I love the guy. He only makes contact with me because he wants sex and knows that because I have feelings for him, I'll do whatever he wants me too. A year ago I was date raped by a guy I had been fooled into believing cared for me. The only thing keeping me from killing myself this minute is the knowledge that my friend C, who lives on that other continent, lost his brother to suicide. His brother committed suicide for stupid reasons because he was shallow and an all-around idiot, and so C is very touchy about suicide and gets angry with me when I talk about how I feel. I just can't take it anymore though. I have no prospects for a future, no job, emotionally neglectful friends and parents, and numerous psychological/emotional problems. I'm not delusional enough to believe I have much hope.
My birthday is just 3 days after your's. I'll be 32 though :blub: I'm not looking forward to my birthday either. Nothing to celebrate. I don't need more gray hairs nor more age spots on face to make me look even more shitty. This is definitely my last birthday.

Atleast you will only be 16. I'm sorry that you were date raped. The guy you are seeing now doesn't deserve you. You deserve to be treated right and with respect.
 
#8
Its funny because we are a lot a like and complete opposites at the same time. Just remember not every guy is like the Mr. Friends with benefits. I for one rather cuddle and stuff and would never treat a girl like an object. I'm not saying this to brag or anything but to tell you that there are guys out there that will care about you. You just have to keep your eyes open many girls dismiss guys as friends but some of those "friends" might treat you the way you always wanted to be treated. You are young and highschool is crazy I had a million friends yet I completely hate my life now. If there was one thing I regretted MORE THAN ANYTHING is I was always more worried about being cool and popular that I never made a true friend and I haven't met too many girls that weren't completey stuck on themselves. However if I would have taken the time to talk to the less popular girls and people I might not think people are as conceited as I do now. I hope everything goes well for you and someday you will find the man of your dreams and you will make real friends just keep trying.
 
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