You are mine last hope. The last, little part of me that don't want to do it bringed me here to share my story and seek help.... I was just normal, happy child, but when I was 8 when my school "friends" started to pick on me. It has started slowly, just pranks etc. but few months later, they were beating me. It wasn't serious like breaking bones, only scratches and bruises, but it was painful. They stopped for a moment, when they realised that my father is a soldier(who was beating me for my mistakes, fortunetly he realised how bad he was and stopped) Next years were worse. Being 11 was one of the hardest moment of my short life. 80% of kids in school hated me for no reason. Some guys tried to beat me every break. I've visited our school nurse everyday. Nobody reacted. I've tried to kill myself by <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> but my grandma saw me and saved me..... because god won't be pleased.... It was shitty excuse(I was struggling with my faith and just realised that I'm not believing) but I didn't do it. I started hitting my head with random things, like this child in "Cube". Last months in primary school were better. They weren't beating me, they called me many unpleasant names.... After 5 years of child's horror I had 3 years gap. I still didn't managed to get friends, they left me. I've realised my lonliness and felt like psycho. Watching gore, searching for snuff movies etc was my daily routine and than I've spoked to R. I've stopped watching these things, because if her. We were speaking, chatting all the time. I fell in love. After some time I said it to her... She dumped me, but we were still close, very very close. Some people were sure that we are together. We even spend some nights on sexting. But it's over... After some time she started to be a little cold... I was sure that she will go with me on prom, R said it, but month later she "wasn't sure" and went with other guy, because she "can't go dancing with someone who loves her". I couldn't get her on some type of date or just to hang out... Now she speaks to me rarely. She's going to a date today... I was thinking about suicide for 2-3 months. She's not the reason, I am. Other reasons are: broken eyes(it's not that bad, but still), stomach sickness that cured will always come back(without my medicine I have 100% chance to throw up) and ill knee(doctors can't see what it is, it just pain, a lot of pain). I'm hiding it inside me. Only R knows what's up with me.
I'm ready to do it, howl for help...
- Thread starter Her3tic
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You're physical pains might be manifestations if your depression. I get horribly Sick when I'm depressed. Everything hurts. It's like my own brain doesn't like me.
I do hope things turn around. I tell myself everyday it's for the best. Everything will work out. I do deep breathing exercises to help it helps for a bit to have nothing but blankness in my mind.
Everyone has a path and some are just more challenging then others. Try to focus on what you can learn from this. How you can take what you see and use it for yourself. Be selfish. It's ok I've noticed I'm not a selfish person and then I act selfishly people notice me a bit more seem more interested in me as a person. You cannot make everyone happy but you have the power to make yourself happy.
I do hope things turn around. I tell myself everyday it's for the best. Everything will work out. I do deep breathing exercises to help it helps for a bit to have nothing but blankness in my mind.
Everyone has a path and some are just more challenging then others. Try to focus on what you can learn from this. How you can take what you see and use it for yourself. Be selfish. It's ok I've noticed I'm not a selfish person and then I act selfishly people notice me a bit more seem more interested in me as a person. You cannot make everyone happy but you have the power to make yourself happy.
I'm so sorry to hear that you are down. YOU are important and please remember that. I understand that you are hurting physically and mentally. Relationships are hard but it will take time to recover. Your whole world has collapsed as you suffer your own earthquake. Do not think you cannot be saved. The only ones who understand are who suffer every day.
I think you need to see medical advise and like Drowned fish says you have crisis lines to call on. I know you are hurting but please DO NOT on any feelings you have.
I think you need to see medical advise and like Drowned fish says you have crisis lines to call on. I know you are hurting but please DO NOT on any feelings you have.
I did something really stupid yesterday. I tried to hang myself. Fortunatly binding of my rope didn't make it and I fell. I've told it to R. I think she now has realised my pain. Her friend killed himself few years ago by hanging. She's much warmer. I feel a little bit better. Thanks to you guys. When I woke up today I've check the forum. These 3 replies made me smile. I won't do it again. Maybe for a while but it's something. I thought about therapist, but I couldn't say anything to him. When I'm in a mood, I'm my own therapist. I know that it's strange, but it helps. I also meditate, but sometimes I've got a problem with place to do it. Seriously guys, you made my day.
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