I'm ready to do it, howl for help...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Her3tic, May 6, 2015.

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  1. Her3tic

    Her3tic New Member

    You are mine last hope. The last, little part of me that don't want to do it bringed me here to share my story and seek help.... I was just normal, happy child, but when I was 8 when my school "friends" started to pick on me. It has started slowly, just pranks etc. but few months later, they were beating me. It wasn't serious like breaking bones, only scratches and bruises, but it was painful. They stopped for a moment, when they realised that my father is a soldier(who was beating me for my mistakes, fortunetly he realised how bad he was and stopped) Next years were worse. Being 11 was one of the hardest moment of my short life. 80% of kids in school hated me for no reason. Some guys tried to beat me every break. I've visited our school nurse everyday. Nobody reacted. I've tried to kill myself by <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> but my grandma saw me and saved me..... because god won't be pleased.... It was shitty excuse(I was struggling with my faith and just realised that I'm not believing) but I didn't do it. I started hitting my head with random things, like this child in "Cube". Last months in primary school were better. They weren't beating me, they called me many unpleasant names.... After 5 years of child's horror I had 3 years gap. I still didn't managed to get friends, they left me. I've realised my lonliness and felt like psycho. Watching gore, searching for snuff movies etc was my daily routine and than I've spoked to R. I've stopped watching these things, because if her. We were speaking, chatting all the time. I fell in love. After some time I said it to her... She dumped me, but we were still close, very very close. Some people were sure that we are together. We even spend some nights on sexting. But it's over... After some time she started to be a little cold... I was sure that she will go with me on prom, R said it, but month later she "wasn't sure" and went with other guy, because she "can't go dancing with someone who loves her". I couldn't get her on some type of date or just to hang out... Now she speaks to me rarely. She's going to a date today... I was thinking about suicide for 2-3 months. She's not the reason, I am. Other reasons are: broken eyes(it's not that bad, but still), stomach sickness that cured will always come back(without my medicine I have 100% chance to throw up) and ill knee(doctors can't see what it is, it just pain, a lot of pain). I'm hiding it inside me. Only R knows what's up with me.
  2. squirmy85

    squirmy85 Member

    You're physical pains might be manifestations if your depression. I get horribly Sick when I'm depressed. Everything hurts. It's like my own brain doesn't like me.
    I do hope things turn around. I tell myself everyday it's for the best. Everything will work out. I do deep breathing exercises to help it helps for a bit to have nothing but blankness in my mind.
    Everyone has a path and some are just more challenging then others. Try to focus on what you can learn from this. How you can take what you see and use it for yourself. Be selfish. It's ok I've noticed I'm not a selfish person and then I act selfishly people notice me a bit more seem more interested in me as a person. You cannot make everyone happy but you have the power to make yourself happy.
  3. Jane

    Jane New Member

    Please don't do it yet. Don't do it without letting someone try and help you. I know how you feel - well I can't relate exactly with what you have been through - but I understand wanting to end it. Just hold on a little bit longer and give people a chance to step up, and be there for you.
  4. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    If you feel close to the edge. There is always resources for you to access. Crisis hotlines are another option. Staying safe should be a pirority for you.

    Hope you can find another R and be able to open up a bit. Have you tried a Therapist?
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry to hear that you are down. YOU are important and please remember that. I understand that you are hurting physically and mentally. Relationships are hard but it will take time to recover. Your whole world has collapsed as you suffer your own earthquake. Do not think you cannot be saved. The only ones who understand are who suffer every day.

    I think you need to see medical advise and like Drowned fish says you have crisis lines to call on. I know you are hurting but please DO NOT on any feelings you have.
  6. Her3tic

    Her3tic New Member

    I did something really stupid yesterday. I tried to hang myself. Fortunatly binding of my rope didn't make it and I fell. I've told it to R. I think she now has realised my pain. Her friend killed himself few years ago by hanging. She's much warmer. I feel a little bit better. Thanks to you guys. When I woke up today I've check the forum. These 3 replies made me smile. I won't do it again. Maybe for a while but it's something. I thought about therapist, but I couldn't say anything to him. When I'm in a mood, I'm my own therapist. I know that it's strange, but it helps. I also meditate, but sometimes I've got a problem with place to do it. Seriously guys, you made my day.
  7. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Your welcome. We are here to help and listen to you. You are important and keep posting for support you really need. See a therapist as it will help. They will not be shocked and you need to be strong.
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I just want to say I care. :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: for you xxx Get well soon.
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