I'm ready to go any day now...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by backwardshole, Aug 3, 2009.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. backwardshole

    backwardshole Active Member

    Hi, my name is Jay, I am 25. I am 5"3' and I am a male. i live on my own and work a very stressful job. I work at a call center as a "billing agent" and have been doing call center work for about 6 years now. I like to smoke weed, drink and listen to extreme music like Industrial, Black Metal, blah blah blah...

    Anyways... Lately I have been experiencing this new type of depression. Yeah, yeah, I've been depressed over dead pets and relationship breakups. But this is a whole new level... It scares me. First of all, I hate my job and I deal with nagging fucking people ALL DAY LONG, most of them are very negative and irate... Well, it's not my fault they can't pay their fucking bill. I find myself having to repeat the same words to customers all the time that call in. Where I'm from, call centers are the only form of stable job you can get. I tired of it, I feel trapped, I've taken too many sick days off work due to the stress and the job over time (a span of 6 months) has greatly accentuated my anxiety, panic attacks and negative thought patterns to a point where I am ready to down a bottle of pills very soon, or hang myself. I'm tired of it all, I'm tired of the fact how we are all slaves to major corporations in this world and there is no true freedom.

    As soon as I walk into work, my introspection sinks inside of me like a hole, I feel cold, emotionless, enraged, fire, I feel like killing everyone in there for even working there in the first place, It kills me so bad more than you will ever know. I am going to school on and off to finish up the rest of my high school credits, but still... I feel like there's no future for me, I can't take another day of work, it has fucked me up mentally. I have panic attacks everyday, I think of suicide everyday at work, and most times I will put a customer on hold and run to the bathroom just so I can cut myself to ease the frustration and anger.

    We are told by our supervisors to lie to our customers or punt them whenever we encounter a problem that cannot be dealt with. I am treated like shit by customers, have been called every name in the book. I have purposely dropped down to part time hours just to try and sustain some form of sanity... ...but still, it just gets worse and worse. Being there has destroyed my faith in human nature. I dread going to work everyday... It has destroyed my ability to njoy life and appreciate the subtle beauties of life... I am just a walking hollow human scrap that serves nothing but as a slave to another mal-feasible corporation.

    I am tired, I've been doing this type of work for too long, I don't want to live with my parents, I have no way to escape in reality, other than to "off" myself WHICH I AM REALLY FUCKING SERIOUS ABOUT DOING. DON'T QUESTION THIS RANT... I need advice, I'm in the process of looking for a new job, but like i said, it's very very very difficult and challenging to find a job from where I am from. I'm attending school on and off to better my education, but I truly feel as if I can't last another month living in this world.
  2. ashes_away

    ashes_away Well-Known Member

    yikes.I have worked in a call center.Wasn't pleasant.I know how hard it is to deal with customers grievances and pressure from bosses who couldn't do better than you but will push you anyways.I hope you stick it out until you find another job.You need to get out of that line of work.It is easier to find work when you already have a job..it is next to impossible when you get fired or quit.Don't tell your coworkers you are looking for another job.Let them think you love your job.Play along.You're in school and have everything to live for...
    in a way its good to work in a call center because it makes you realize that the corporate grind isn't for you..
    please hold on..and hope you find some comfort and support here.
  3. backwardshole

    backwardshole Active Member

    thank you, seriously. Laso, I have 1 more sick day left before I get a final warning for attendance, but people at work say that as long as you keep providing doctors notes then you are protected by law. So my attendance is another thing that stresses me out alot. I believe I can stick it out for the remainder of the year until the sick days reset back to ZERO. I will just have to book more days off or something. But it's so hard when I walk into work, like my body is repulsing against walking into the environment... just 4 more months I guess... I hope...
  4. elvinchild

    elvinchild Well-Known Member

    Gosh I've never had that line of work... but I'm extremely sensitive to dealing with rude and demeaning customers, and I know I'd crumble under that stress... so props for surviving it this long. My jobs have been a whole lot mellower and I still find myself panicking and hurting myself on breaks.

    Could you broaden the distance radius of your job search? If you can't find any other steady job around where you live, maybe you could consider making a move. I don't know how you grounded you are or if you wouldn't mind the change.

    How about attending school full time and cutting down on work, working a campus job? Would you be able to afford that? It would give you a break from the work stress and when you return to the workforce you'd have a degree that would help you avoid crap-jobs.

    If you can't attend school full time... You mentioned you live alone. Could you get a roommate? Cut down on expenses so you don't have to work as much? That would allow you to be comfortable accepting a part-time job or one with a bit less stability, if you had the support of a roommate paying some bills.

    I'm not sure what else to tell you... I struggle immensely with work but live on my own so I have to make the money... right now I'm taking some time off, luckily I have some savings but I'm diving through them - I don't know if you're in the same boat, but if you do have savings you could live off of, its MUCH better to quit your job and live off those until you find another than do away with yourself... if you struggle with mental illness, you could also look towards going on disability as a last resort so you can quit your job as you keep searching for another (I've thought about it for myself).... Search like mad for college scholarships, anything that can help you cut down on expenses, so you don't have to worry about work soo much (I've dropped out of school temporarily, so I've been paying back my loans - and I've been considering deferment).

    I don't know if I've helped at all, but I've offered everything I could think of.
    Good luck. Please hold on. And get the hell away from that job. Please!
  5. backwardshole

    backwardshole Active Member

    Thank you so much, you are all such wonderful people. You offer great advice, elvinchild, but unfortunately I am a pay-cheque to pay-cheque surfer at the moment. I am pretty grounded right now. My only resort is that I've applied for $3,000 loan just so I can take a leave of absence for 3 months and finish up school. If that doesn't go as planed, then I will have no choice but to drop down to less hours and just take it day by day and attain perfect attendance for the rest of the year, and even that's asking too much. I just need to find the security and trust within myself to make it through, but when you're under alot of stress and depression, the mind is tainted and dellusioned and makes for simple daily tasks more challenging, requires more mental energy...

    ODIECOM Well-Known Member

    have you ever thought about finding another job ?
  7. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi there ..
    alot of ppl suffer from work related depression .. and most ppl say just change jobs.. but i know it isnt that easy ..
    however i really do think if u have 2 continue working there for now.. that u should keep ur hours 2 a minimum and concentrate on ur schooling .. schooling is the only thing that will get u a decent job .. one that u will enjoy ..
    i think u should really go 2 ur doctors if u can.. they can help ..
    i hope things improve 4 u .. :hug:
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I use to be a dispatcher and constantly getting yelled and cussed at..I learned real quick where the disconnect button was on the phone.. I got tired of being cussed at and wasn't getting paid for that..
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.