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I'm ready to go now, I don't want to, but I don't see any other choice

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by cactu5, Oct 10, 2014.

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  1. cactu5

    cactu5 New Member

    I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts and feelings for a few years. I've gone through a few periods of stability but this past year has been nothing but the worst. I finally felt I was going to go through with ending my life because of my job, so last month I up and quit (There's been problems from the get-go since I've been there, I could write an entire book on it, one big issue is the schedule was never done in a timely manner nor was it complete or done ahead of time and the last week I was there I asked all week for my Friday schedule because I needed to get an important thing done, they told me at the last second Thursday I would have to come straight from class and be there until late at night and I said I couldnt be there for at least a couple of hours after class, told me no, I quit.)

    The situation at work was awful, for many more reasons aside from the scheduling, and I had been struggling with suicidal thoughts and feelings and reaching out to my family only ever gets me "Well I'm not going to give you any money if you quit your job." and I've had to hide the fact I quit work from many people.

    I've been looking for work and I had an interview this week but it will take awhile to hear back. Usually when I'm told it's going to take awhile to do other interviews I don't get the job, and this job was going to be a DREAM.

    I am drowning in debt. I was planning on getting back on my feet this year but one thing that happened at work is they cut our hours down severely without warning, and they never went back up. All of my savings and safety net was gone, I no longer could make a dent in any of my debts and now it's gotten worse (and I have some health issues I have been needing to address for awhile now that are just getting worse). I was looking forward to a couple of trips with friends this summer and my financial situation completely ruined the first one and I had to bow out of the second one. My work schedule was so awful I never got to see my friends because I always worked, and this really destroyed me.

    I decided to go back to school but now I'm regretting it because I needed to get my financial situation settled before doing this, and now I'm feeling overwhelmed at all sides. I wanted to do great in my classes but I'm just barely getting by. I'll have to skip next semester.

    I only have enough money now to finish paying my bills through November, but that's it. I'll run out of gas money to get to school (there's no public transportation here) within a month. I've been applying to jobs right and left but no bites. I can't handle being in a retail environment anymore, I've completely and utterly burned out. It was driving me to cut myself, and I really do not want to go back to that situation, so I'm trying to get into another field but if I don't get this job, then it's going to be long past when the money runs out before I find one. I'm lucky to be considered when I have no experience, as it's a very hard business to get into.

    I don't have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to, I don't want to post on FB or burden anyone else with my misery anymore. I just want to get out and end it all. I don't want to hear one more person talk about giving me money that I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO ASK FOR.

    I feel like people only see me as for what use I have, and if I'm not useful then they just want to take their frustrations out on me. The only person I could ever talk to or count on is dead, and I don't feel like anything is going to change or get better at this point.

    <mod edit - methods>. I've wanted to see a therapist or counselor for ages now but I can't afford one. I want to talk to my general doctor but I don't want to burden him with feeling responsible about doing something for my suicidal feelings when he's tried really hard to help me out. I wish there were resources, but I can't find anything. I hate talking on the phone and when I've called suicide lines I feel like the other people on there are like my friends, they just can't deal or relate and I don't feel comfortable talking to them.

    I never wanted to be born, my mother is completely delusional in her own little world and can't see any sense or reason. I want to get a proper job where I can pay all my bills and get out. I don't want just another job to pay the bills but not make any dent in them anymore. I have no one or nothing to live for. There is no reason for me to "just get by", it's either get on the path to get out, or die. And everything I think I'm getting out, I get thrown back down again. I think it's just better to finally die.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 10, 2014
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum catcu5. You have a place where you are among friends who will not judge you but give your support in your current situation. From reading your post, your are facing a very difficult time. Firstly, you are very low at the moment at PLEADE DO NOT DO ANYTHING. Secondly, NO NEED TO CUT, please use an elastic band as an alternative when you feel like cutting the sting of the band will help.

    You are important and keep remembering that. Yes, life looks totally non-existence at the moment but things do change, not overnight but they will. You need to speak to a debt counsellor about your situation. Yes, the retail job is mundane and it just pays the bills. Just keep hope and NEVER GIVE UPON LIFE. You must be strong as you have survived so far. Not matter how much the situation feels, there is always HOPE.

    Please keep posting here as we will get you through this. YOU ARE IMPORTANT.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 11, 2014
  3. charade

    charade New Member

    I've been hesitant to reply to this post, mainly because I don't know you from a hole in the wall, and all I know about your situation is what you've shared here. It's hard to know the best thing to say to someone or which approach to take regarding such a sensitive subject when you don't know what type of person you're talking to. But, I do know that the title you've chosen for your post is promising. The fact that you "don't want to" says so much. It says to me that your frame of mind right now is not so much a mental health issue as it is a situational issue. Please keep in mind that situations do change. They are never permanent. It would suck for you to prematurely end your life before you are able to find out what else it may have in store for you.

    You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You're ambitious and hopeful for your future, which is why you've gone back to school and look forward to landing your dream job. You have friends who I'm sure care about you, otherwise I don't think you would have referred to them as "friends" in your post. And you're here. You're still here, and that also says a lot. What you're going through now is just one of many life hurdles you'll have to overcome to get to a point in your life where you can live comfortably.

    I really hope you are able to pull enough strength from within yourself to weather this storm you're currently in. Keep working hard and keep having faith in yourself and your capabilities. Know that, if for nothing or no one else, YOU are what and who you have to live for. Keep telling yourself that and believing it. You'll be okay.
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    oh, please tell me something new. lol.
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