I only need the logistic. That week that comes will be worse than the last one, and it is my fault. I feel so out of hope, so antisocial and egocentric that I can't talk about that to anybody except in a totally anonymous forum like that. I've had a lot chances in life but I could no take them. The pile of sins and pain is smashing me. I am so mean that I can not let anybody see it. My egocentrism lead people to think I am only an asshole and I can't help acting this way to protect my fragile ego. But I went to far and I fear I have done too much harm to people around me, family and my wife, since i have no friends. I tried to be different earlier this year but things went out of control and now I see there's no way out. I'm not a child, I'm 30 years old. I am unable to take care of myself and there's only one way out to avoid making it worse. In my teens I thought thing would get better with time, and that nothing was my fault. I moved away, thinking a new life would help me anyway, bu it didn't. It's too late to look for help. Sorry for my bad english.