I had a friend.. called Megan. She was abused by her father and used to cut really bad. I tried to help her in any way i could. But one day, when we went the park She said she needed to cut, I panicked. I also had a problem with SI. I begged her to not cut, but she went ahead and cut right infront of me. She saw me crying and stopped, Rolled her sleeve down and hugged me. Continously she told me she was sorry and that i helped her so much. Then she told me she loved me like a sister and would always be with me, and be my friend. I told her i loved her like a sister and that i would always be her friend. but then i noticed she was cold and still... then i looked down at myself to see blood everywhere on me. Three men were sat on the bench opposite us staring with a shocked face. One got up and took her from me and layed her on the ground i just stared at her with tears in my eyes... I stood like that until the ambulance came. I whispered to her as she was been taken to the hospital "if you die i'll die too, so you will never be alone, i'm your friend forever" I spent a week in the pychiatric ward the ambulance woman heard what i said to Megan... and kept me under observation, so i wouldn't kill myself. Megan unfortunately died accidentally, she cut too deep. that day haunts me all the time it was a year since her death a month ago. and i'm missing her more each day, and i have urges to go to her. the grief is too unbearable ,i wish i stopped her from cutting herself. i'm panged with guilt.. and i blame myself for her death she knew she was going to die. she told me she loved me and would always be my friend for the last time and that's always in my mind... constantly. how can i cope with this? i feel like giving up, she was my best friend, i miss her so much. i'm crying and desperate to know if i will survive tonight. i've never talked to anyone about this before, i'd get too scared and i'd end up cutting. so i avoid talking about it it's not one of those things that you can be busy with something and not be thinking about... i think about her every second literally. Loosing her, the grief, the loneliness has been worser than the pain of the memory of the time i was abused. that's how bad it is. i know i should talk about what happened, but i close up at the very mention of the name Megan. i'm falling apart. :cry: p.s sorry it's so long!