i'm ready to talk about it

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by bella muerte, Aug 20, 2007.

  1. bella muerte

    bella muerte Well-Known Member

    I had a friend.. called Megan.
    She was abused by her father and used to cut really bad.
    I tried to help her in any way i could.
    But one day, when we went the park
    She said she needed to cut, I panicked.
    I also had a problem with SI.
    I begged her to not cut, but she went
    ahead and cut right infront of me.
    She saw me crying and stopped,
    Rolled her sleeve down and hugged me.
    Continously she told me she was sorry and that i helped her
    so much. Then she told me she loved me like a sister and
    would always be with me, and be my friend.
    I told her i loved her like a sister and that i would always be her friend.
    but then i noticed she was cold and still...
    then i looked down at myself to see blood
    everywhere on me.
    Three men were sat on the bench opposite us
    staring with a shocked face.
    One got up and took her from me and layed her on the ground
    i just stared at her with tears in my eyes...
    I stood like that until the ambulance came.
    I whispered to her as she was been taken to the hospital
    "if you die i'll die too, so you will never be alone, i'm your friend forever"
    I spent a week in the pychiatric ward
    the ambulance woman heard what i said to Megan...
    and kept me under observation, so i wouldn't kill myself.
    Megan unfortunately died accidentally, she cut too deep.
    that day haunts me all the time
    it was a year since her death a month ago.
    and i'm missing her more each day, and i have urges to go to her.
    the grief is too unbearable ,i wish
    i stopped her from cutting herself.
    i'm panged with guilt.. and i blame myself for her death
    she knew she was going to die.
    she told me she loved me and would always be my friend for the last time
    and that's always in my mind... constantly.
    how can i cope with this?
    i feel like giving up, she was my best friend, i miss her so much.
    i'm crying and desperate to know if i will survive tonight.
    i've never talked to anyone about this before,
    i'd get too scared and i'd end up cutting.
    so i avoid talking about it
    it's not one of those things that you can be busy with something and not be thinking about... i think about her every second literally.
    Loosing her, the grief, the loneliness has been worser than the pain of the memory of the time i was abused.
    that's how bad it is. i know i should talk about what happened,
    but i close up at the very mention of the name Megan.
    i'm falling apart.

    :cry:

    p.s sorry it's so long!
     
  2. Shadowlands

    Shadowlands Official SF Hugger Staff Alumni

    That is quite sad, but you should find strength to carry on with your life. She is there with you, and you remember her. She too would like you to stay. :hug:
     
  3. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    it's time to take care of you. it's sad and i'm sorry to hear you lost her. IT DEFINATELY WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!! you didn't put that blade to her arm she did. it isn't fitting that you should wear the responsibility here, so please don't. i have now lost three friends to suicide, one a year for the past three years and it's hard to come to grips when it's something they did to themselves. i know. you can ask people around here i have worn my share of guilt concerning my friends' passing. i know it's not, but i do it anyway. it's not useful to do. i'm not helping myself out at all when i do this. please lets work on this together. i know meagan wouldn't want u to be blaming yourself either.

    here's to show you i can relate

    http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=19867

    please continue to hang in there and please certainly keep sharing your feelings in reguards to this. it's good to get it out of your system and i'm very proud of you for having opened up now.

    please take care
     
  4. bella muerte

    bella muerte Well-Known Member

    it was hard to to post this thread,
    i can't stop crying even now. :cry:
    and i'm so sorry you lost friends too :hug:

    i hate dying i really do, the fact she was in my arms when she died is too unbearable to even think about, yet i can't help but think about it.
    and even if i hate dying, i want to die myself.. does that make sense? :huh:
     
  5. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Firstly you cannot blame yourself for her cutting, she would have done it with or without you there. Sad as it may be, be happy she was with a friend who loved her in her final moments, even if it does hurt so much. I dont think she'd want you to do the same as she has done, as you said it was an accident that she cut too deep. SHe wouldn't want you to do something on purpose to be with her as you say. I am so sorry that you had to go through this I can only imagine how tragic and devastating it can be to witness someone so close pass before your eyes.

    I hope you find peace in your life, just not in a negative or self harming way
    Best wishes to you
    Kanani
     
  6. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    maybe oddly enough but i think i do get it. maybe u could keep in mind that at least when she passed she knew just how much she was loved. if she didn't she wouldn't have stopped when she noticed you were crying. just a thought
     
  7. bella muerte

    bella muerte Well-Known Member

    well, it makes things worse, that her mom says that i could of stopped her death.
    and her dad, who is abusive, everytime i see him, he shouts "you could of save her you idiot"
    it just makes me feel extremely guilty :cry: !
     
  8. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Granted they shouldn't say those things to anyone let alone a young person. You have to take into consideration that they are grieving the loss of their daughter, by no means does it give them a right to say those things or to call you an idiot. How were you supposed to know that she cut too deep? You couldn't possibly until it was too late. Do not let the words of people who are so overcome with grief destroy you hun
     
  9. bella muerte

    bella muerte Well-Known Member

    i know i shouldn't let it, i'm not very good at not letting what they say to me affect me :sad:

    but i did try to talk to them once, only to her mom though.
    i can't face her dad, cos i know what he did to her...
    one question... is it a good move to tell megan's mom that her husband beat megan up when she was alive?
    i want justice for megan, cos her dad's beatings was the reason she wanted to cut in the first place!


    the reason we went the park, her dad had just hit her, and she came round, and i went to the park with her , to try and take her mind off things, but we was talking about everything that what made her feel like cutting (and in al truth i started to want to cut), so we stopped talking about 'stuff' and just chatted about random things like any other teenager would. but she said she wanted to cut, i begged her to within an inch of my life, but she wouldn't change her mind, before i know it she'd cut herself, but like i said she stopped cos i was crying my heart out, but it was too late..... too f**king late!!! :cry: :cry:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 20, 2007
  10. Insignificant

    Insignificant Account Closed

    i'm not so sure that i would share that with her. it might just make her feel worse. i mean she might feel extremely guilty for not stopping it.

    hang in there olivia. the words they've shared are that of grieving parents, and especially where the dad is concerned. he is definately wanting to point the finger somewhere else to get it off of himself. don't pay them any never mind. the only one who could of stopped her was herself. those are the facts
     
  11. emogirl

    emogirl Well-Known Member

    Aw honey i'm sorry if you need to talk pm me okay.
     
  12. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    She loves you, now and forever. And she wants you to live on and to make a life for yourself. She wants you to be happy and to know that she's in a safe place watching you from the skies.

    Take the good which came out of her being in your life instead of how you two parted. Remember the good times.
     
  13. bella muerte

    bella muerte Well-Known Member

    i'm caught up with it all, i'm stil grieving for my uncle who died 3 years ago, how can i talk about it with someone (like my therapist) without actually being the one who brings it up?
     
  14. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Well firstly, how long have you been with your therapist?

    Perhaps you can bring it up the conversation subtly.
     
  15. bella muerte

    bella muerte Well-Known Member

    i started with her in january.. after my first one moved posts.
     
  16. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Ok, well I guess the best way to talk about your problems with someone like your therapist without being the one to bring it up, is by hinting and giving clues. Hopefully your therapist will clock on and then ask questions, eventually leading to both of you talking about it.
     
  17. bella muerte

    bella muerte Well-Known Member

    like saying little bits about Megan? god that would be hard!!
    i'd have to ask her to not use the name Megan, i would close up again.
     
  18. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Yeah you could say little bits about her without saying her name. If she asks who the name of the person your refering to then you can tell her you rather not say. since its the connection you have which is most important.

    I know it may seem hard but you can do it, it would be a hurdle that you would overcome.
     
  19. bella muerte

    bella muerte Well-Known Member

    i guess, i need to talk about it sooner or later.
    i need to let go, but... i feel like if i let go, i'm betraying Megan.
     
  20. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Thats understandable. But really, your not betraying her. To move on is completely different to forgetting about someone.

    You turning a new chapter in life with the memories of your friend and others who are close to, in your heart.