I made plans a while ago that I was going to kill myself on my birthday. I then decided to recommit myself to recovery and tried focusing on that. Now I've been sort of going back and forth depending on how I feel. Well, today is my birthday. I went through the day and saw my family and smiled and did the whole dance. Now, more than anything, I want to die. I feel ready to go, like it's the right decision. Things have been getting increasingly worse in my head and I have no hope left for me. I've been fighting this for too long, it's won. I'm so exhausted and tired of trying. Death is what I want. It can end things and set me free. It is the only thing I find hope in anymore. However, despite having multiple options of ways to go through with it, I'm fighting the urge. I'm trying to stay distracted and all of that fun stuff. But things are getting bad. So bad. I feel like I'm really going nuts. I feel like if I don't attempt I will at least end up severely hurting myself. I've managed to not self harm for 7 weeks but my birthday marks my 17th anniversary as a cutter, so cutting seems fit. I feel completely alone and like I'm going nuts. Everything hurts. I really should just end it. I really should.