I'm ready

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AfterFact, Jun 19, 2013.

  1. AfterFact

    AfterFact Well-Known Member

    When I checked myself into rehab 8 months ago, I was presented with a choice, a choice I made long ago. Continue to go down a path of self-destruction. Continue to be miserable. Continue to drink and drug myself into oblivion. Continue to do things my way. Enjoy the brief moments of artificial happiness and instant gratification and deal with the much much longer periods of pain, suffering and misery. Lose EVERYTHING that ever made my life worth living and dig a early grave that would lurk in the shadows for the rest of my short life. I know this path well. For so many years I was determined to beat myself to a bloody pulp. I didn't care about life or death. I didn't care about the damage I was doing to myself. All I wanted to do was escape. "Fuck it" was my favorite saying. If I died, it would be doing what I loved: lying, cheating, stealing, drinking, drugging, isolating and in general making sure my life was a living hell. Oh I hated myself. But even though I wasn't happy, I refused to change. I refused to change because I was comfortable with how I was living. I was afraid of what I didn't know.
    And then I left rehab. I resumed my path of self-destruction. I continued to destroy everything I cared about. I had joined Alcoholics Anonymous, but I was too wrapped up in my own shit that I was unable to listen, I was unable to see the solution that was right in front of me because I didn't have hope. After 5 years of pain and suffering, I had lost hope that things would ever get better. I stayed sober at first out of anger and rage. But willpower can only get you so far. I relapsed 3 times. The 4th time I attempted suicide, nearly succeeding in the process. That was 7 days ago.
    The last 6 months have been hell. But out of the ashes came a second choice. A choice that would be the hardest decision in my short 17 years of life. That choice was to get up. To get over myself and do the work. Finally, today, I am ready to live my life. I am ready to do whatever it takes to stay sober and live sober and live happy doing it. Fuck drinking. Fuck self-pity. Fuck feeling sorry for myself. I am fucking done. I'm done with my own self-inflicted misery. I'm done making the same god damn mistakes over and over again. I'm done throwing away my life. I'm ready to do it someone else's way.
    I was alone because I wanted to be alone. I was hopeless because if I wasn't it would mean facing reality.
    Things WILL get better. But only if I work for it. And that is the key. I wanted a better life but refused to do the work that would get me there. No more. No more bullshit. No more lies. My old life is finished. My new life is just beginning.

    Today I can finally say that I want to live. I want to take advantage of my own untapped potential. I can succeed in life, I just have to work for it.

    There's always a choice, and now I can finally realize that.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Thank you for sharing this. I agree completely with you - until you accept that somethings (or many) need to change and actually put in the effort to change them nothing meaningful will change. Set backs do not mean it is time to give up - it means it is time to alter the plan a little bit. I wish you success and strength in the hard times and congratulate you for even the small victories to come.

    Take Care and Be Safe

  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Everything you said is so true, and I'm really proud of you for taking that huge step, for being ready to make those changes. :hug: Good luck; we'll be here if you need some support along the way!
  4. AfterFact

    AfterFact Well-Known Member

    Just an update. I stayed sober. I now have over 13 months of sobriety. I graduated high school and am signing up for College for the Spring of 2015. I used to be able to talk but never followed through with action. Finally I decided to take action and my life has changed dramatically for the better as a result of the actions i have taken. There has been challenges along the way, but difference is I have been able to learn from my mistakes. On top of my sobriety it has now been almost a year since I last cut myself. I am med free, a personal choice I made when I turned 18. 3 months after I made that decision I am completely drug free for the first time in 5 years. My moods have stabilized, I have more energy and my mind is more clear. I still have problems, but they are problems I'm okay with dealing with today.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    That is great to hear AfterFact! Well done. You must be so proud =)
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Congrats on graduating from HS. Go you! Keep it up. :)