My life is pointless, so devoid of any meaning. Wouldn’t things be much easier if I was gone? Yes my family and friends would feel sadness but mostly only temporarily. That’s not wholly true- my parents and brother will probably never get over it and that’s the only reason why I don’t kill myself. Although, if I ceased to exist then they would never have to worry, they wouldn’t need to keep carrying me. I don’t want to get a disease which slowly and painfully kills me, I want to be in control of the process myself as it’s the only thing which is wholly my decision. I have not been manipulated to feel this way but I am bound by guilt to not do it. People go through much worse in life and have the courage and strength to ride it out. But some people aren’t made that way and no mantra or self help book or tough love speech or prayer will ever help. Some people are just sad and will always be sad for the entire lives. It will never go away. Sometimes the pain isn’t as intense but it’s always there. People like us are much more sensitive than others but also much better at hiding our true feelings. Everything is faked. The smiles, the conversation and feigning interest in other peoples lives. Nobody on this earth has gotten to know the real me because they simply mustn’t; I try my best to hide it by denouncing myself as a drama queen which only enables people to hurt me even more. Nobody knows how I really feel how little I care about them or myself and how ready I am to slit my arms open and bleed to death. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> But I can’t. Not because I’m even afraid anymore but because who will find my body? My parents? They have no idea how ready I am to end it all- the shock would be too much. So I live. I live in darkness and I die painfully inside everyday until the universe delivers it’s last fatal and most probably ironic blow. I live and squander this ‘gift’ on thoughts of dying every single day.