Im ready.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by LILICHIPIE, Jan 20, 2008.

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  1. LILICHIPIE

    LILICHIPIE Well-Known Member

    HEY guys!

    how are you doing? how was your week end?
    Ivejust come back from my parents- I flew over to their house in France.
    I knew it was the last time I will ever see them,ever.

    It was really emotionnal Id say. strange, yet very peaceful. I was kind of tired from brains but yet I tried to enjoy the most. It felt really weird on one hand because I thought Id be really sad not to see them again. I mean I was sad on a way and almost cried when I hugged my dad good bye and when my mom dropped me at the airport. I was very melancolic.
    If they knew they wouldnt have seen me again. moreover, I knew I would not see them again.which makes sense.

    However, as strange as it sounds, I felt relieved because I saw them and we had a good time ( good time that didnt happen since 2 years actually). I felt I could feel every single feeling deeper. from sadness, to relief, to a bit of a joy.
    I went to see a movie, "Into the Wild" by sean penn. great movie, very meaningful, you should see it. so weird i saw this movie, knowing the topic with my mom. it was about struggling for life and death.

    So yeah, as my mom walked away from the airport, I felt sad but a few moments later when getting off, very realieved. However, the guitlt about them not knowing whats going to happen suddenly is still here ( I think it has nothing to do with me not wanting death, it has to do with human instincts that want to still hold on).

    However, Im ready. I know Iam. ive never been as ready as now. I have to do my note again and arrange the hotel, then Ill be done. but Im ready and "happy" to feel ready because I last saw them. Im almost at peace. Im glad Iam because Ive been working these few months on not being feeling too guilty.


    Dont try to convince me not to do it, theres no point. Im a stubborn girl lol
    but I thought Id just vent; feel free to let me know what ur thinking, and if anybody has ever felt that "peace", that "relief".

    Hugz
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 20, 2008
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    have no idea what to say but im thinking of you, and please stay safe
     
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm really sorry to argue with you (esp since you said don't) but i really don't want you to take this final step.

    i *do* know that feeling of being ready... the calm... the peace. it's the relief of knowing that my pain would finally be over. i've been here a few times - tried first when i was 17, again at 19, and most recently a few weeks ago.

    but in between the suicide attempts and difficult times i've also known great joy, had wonderful adventures, spent time with beautiful and generous lovers. the depression comes and goes, and when i'm not paying attention and taking care of my health it sneaks up hard and flattens me. it's sneaky and i hate it, i really do. mostly 'cos depression is a liar, it takes over my brain and my heart and makes me forget the beauty that is within.

    i guess i'm saying that with time you can heal, and i really want that for you. i want you to trust that there is something good and beautiful waiting for you down the road, and i don't mean death.

    please hang in there just a bit longer

    c.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    yes, when im making a plan i feel that relief and feel extremely happy, but then i just find a way to cope and it continues that way, im scared that one day i wont find a way to cope which is probably the way you feel now. i completely agree with what dazzle said, hang in here hun, we are here for you and know how you feel:hug::sadwave:
     
  5. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    Everytime you feel bad and want to die say you´ll wait a day. Take every new day as a new chance to achieve something. Set goals to yourself.

    Please keep us informed how you´re feeling.
     
  6. mrclean4456

    mrclean4456 Member

    Yes...i know exactly what you mean...how you feel...and how you've gotten to this point...

    Hugs to you...

    -K
     
  7. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    I know you specifically said don't try to convince you to not do it, but please Lilichipie, don't go through with this. I know you think you feel at peace right now, after seeing your parents, but it is not your time to go yet. There's so much you have to live for. Plus, just thinking about how heartbroken your poor mother and father are going to be at your funeral, makes me want to cry. There has to be another way Lili. Also, we have no idea what awaits us when we die. What if the afterlife is worse than our current life? What if you end up being a disembodied spirit forced to wander aimlessly? Once you die, there is no coming back, no second chances. Please think about this.
     
  8. Well...I am thinking a lot right now. I am thinking how I understand your pain. There is not a day that goes by where I do not think about committing suicide. I even put belts around my neck...give a tug...just to see what it feels like. However, I do not think you should do this to yourself. I promise YOU that there is going to be judgment. If you are in Christ, then I personally believe that Christ will forgive your sins, whether it be suicide or not. But if you are not in Christ...I promise you that there will be eternal judgment...which is hell...in which hell will be cast into the lake of fire. It is appointed for man to die once, then judgment...it is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.

    If you do commit suicide and end up in hell...just remember my words to YOU. Also, this is not a scare tactic, although you should fear. Please understand that I know what it is like to feel suicidal. I am up and down, get little sparks of hope here and there...however I often wonder when the day is going to be. I could not imagine living much longer. But I keep pressing on, knowing that life is a vapor, and then comes eternity. I hope you do not go through with this grave action.
     
  9. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Hell's always been a scare tactic throughout history, even if you aren't trying to use it as such right now.
     
  10. An Angel in Black

    An Angel in Black Well-Known Member

    Please dont. If i told you i needed as many friends as i can have right now, and that my tears are a thinking of what will happen to you, would it make a difference? And you are my friend, i know that feeling of barely hanging on, ready to let go to end all the pain. I know that feeling, because it was so bad before i used to sit at the table and tell myself i wanted to end it looking at the knife placed in front of me. I picked it up before, but it never periced, right to my stomach, but i didnt push; because i tried hanging on a little longer. And then i knew what i needed to end it all, love. I searched high and low for someone to love me, someone i could love, and to this day i have yet to have a girlfriend. but then i found this forum, and the love surronding it, suddenly i feel a little more loved. youre very beautiful from your pics, and im sure theres someone out there who needs love as much as you do. I will do no nothing more than cry my eyes out, which theyre starting to get a little sore..lol if i found out you were no longer around..plz hang on..plz
     

  11. Well, in my opinion, it is a very good scare tactic. Also, it does not change the fact that it is TRUE. I would hate to say "I told you so".
     
  12. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Ghost are you being serious? You are clearly trying to scare her into not killing herself. The idea of heaven and hell is so rediculous anyway. I'm Catholic but I honestly don't but into it. Also, how could one person who commits suicide go to heaven while the other goes to hell? There is no logic behind this argument.

    I believe that when we die, our spirits live on and continue on where we left off until our time is really up.
     
  13. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    You know what, feeling this awful is it's own kind of hell. From this frame of mind death is a release from the hell we feel every day. I also don't find this heaven/hell talk helpful.

    But to the OP, I repeat, hang in there one more day. Try to find that one cell of hope that lives on in your body. The fact that you are posting here gives me some comfort that we can still reach you and comfort you in these painful times. You've told us how you are feeling. Is there someone in real life you can tell? I know how tempting it is to lie, to gloss it over, but please reach out to your therapist, your doctor, and tell them the truth. I'm thinking of you,

    C.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 21, 2008

  14. Please refrain from using religion as a weapon. You are using it as a fear tactic, which is insulting to the OP. Instead of threatening her about her decision, support her and love her like a true Christian would.
     
  15. forlorn

    forlorn Staff Alumni

    Lilichipie what can I say, nobody is ready for death. Relief is a feeling youve got to be alive to feel It. The other day you were going out to a meal with a friend but they didnt show up and you said nevermind youll go out next week. Next week, you looked ahead! I'm been waiting to hear from you on the chatroom and find out whether you started on lithium. I now you can go on, suicide is so selfish. Your mother and father will be devasted and forever feel they let you down. My brother tried to hang himself and was cut down out of a tree, just in time. It still tortures my mum and to think he nearly took his life, that they came so close to losing him. Please Lilichipie for them if not for you, please dont do it. I need you around to help me and I'll be there for you.

    Pain is a survival Instinct, you want to survive.
     
  16. Of course I am being serious. I find it interesting that everyone else can type what they believe and for some reason...I can not.

    Like I said, if one is in Christ, then I believe that he or she will go to heaven. If not, then hell.

    Heaven and hell can not be much more ridiculous then...our spirits living on and continuing on where we left off until our time is really up. This is the point of suicide...to make it final. Our time would be really up when we commit suicide...duh (teasing about the duh).
     
  17. This is insanity! Love and support her like a true Christian would? I am. I am warning her that there is judgment on the other side. Explaining what Christians believe. Also, I have shared with her that if she is in Christ...I believe she will go to heaven, if not, then hell. Also, I explained that I understand because I go through the same issues of being suicidal. If people would actually read what I say, then it would be much easier. Please refrain from twisting what I say. I know most people do not like what Christians teach...but I do not like what non Christians teach. May I please just say what I want to say, and you say what you want to say? I am just a suicidal as she is...however I know what I am going to face, if and when I do it.
     
  18. Crue-K

    Crue-K Well-Known Member

    Lilichipie, give it as much thought as possible before you decide to go through with it, if you have any doubts at all regardless of how trivial as they may seem, then put your plan on hold. An old but very true cliche is it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
    Take care.

    PS, how can people in the 21st century still believe in 'heaven and hell', god, jesus and creationism etc etc, it's all bullshit. All the god squad need to grow up.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 21, 2008
  19. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I've never experienced the calm before self destruction, but you can always PM me.
     

  20. Throughout the years of 1988-1993, I lived with my abusive Christian father, who many times would shout and curse at me like a raging drill instructor. He was a police officer who took his frustrations with his job out at me, along with all of his anger caused by the regret he had of having convinced my mother to not have me aborted, since her wishes were to have me aborted. He would threaten me with God and tell me that God would send me to hell for all of eternity. That is not love. Ghost in a Machine, what you are telling to Lili, is not love, compassion, nor caring. It is brutal hostility spawned from your own issues which obviously you have yet to resolve for yourself. Next time you consider telling someone they might go to hell, think about how your judgement is perceived by the one you " supposedly" believe is the ultimate judge; Jesus.
     
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2008
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